February 14th

Here it comes again – Valentine’s Day. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it anymore. In elementary school, it was this exciting event where we’d write the names of everyone in our class onto pieces of heart-shaped candy and hand them out at the end of the day. In middle school, it was a trend to think February 14th was lame. And I had believed it was for a while…until Matt Hershey(yes, like the chocolate) asked me to be his girlfriend in the 7th grade. He gave me a teddy bear and a shiny red box of Russel Stover assorted chocolates. It might sound silly, but I genuinely felt special at that moment…and that kind of attention became addicting to me. 

My sophomore year was a rollercoaster for many reasons, but Valentine’s Day in particular was hard. The guy I liked went to the winter dance with someone else. I spent that weekend with my parents and was a pathetic 15 year old crying over a stupid boy on a Saturday night. Funnily enough, though, I ended up dating that same guy a month later and went to prom with him. I wish I never had. He sucked. I don’t want to talk about him anymore, so I won’t.

That breakup was really hard on me. For years, I’ve tried to forget everything about him, but it’s difficult to forget one’s “first love.” My next relationship was when I was a junior in high school. I’ve never been with someone who loved me more than Adam–and I don’t think I’ll ever be loved like that again. For 4 years, he gave me everything. Sure, he spoiled me rotten with gifts and my favorite foods and big bouquets of flowers…but that’s not what I’m referring to. I was Adam’s priority, and he made sure I always knew that. We went to the same university for two years and I was studying film. I had fallen deeply in love with film and writing, and he had fallen even more in love with me. For my 20th birthday, he got me the Criterion Collection DVD of The Night of the Hunter and a framed poster of Singin’ in the Rain: two of my favorite films of all time. Both gifts were extremely simple. He thought about me and knew what mattered the most, and I’ll never forget that.

Later that summer, we decided we weren’t compatible anymore. I also dropped out of college. The rest of that year had been a downward spiral of trying to understand my purpose in life and making questionable choices in the process. I was intensely craving a similar love and attention from men who were, unfortunately, only interested in the physical aspects of myself. Not one man since the summer of 2019 has even attempted to care about my screenplay, let alone read it. I don’t love Adam anymore. I’ve never wanted to be with him again. I just miss the feeling of being special to someone. He’s engaged now to a mutual friend we shared in college. It hurts a little, but I’m happy for him. I hope she gives him everything that I wasn’t able to.

2020 was a rough year for all of us. I finally started working full-time and I seemed to actually have a purpose. I also had a huge crush on my boss…I found out he was engaged and so I got over it pretty quickly. The month before I got my job was February. Of all people, Matt Hershey from 7th grade tried to contact me again. On Valentine’s Day, I found out he was also trying to get into my best friend’s pants. What a great guy, right? Well, I’m leaving him in 7th grade where he belongs.

A few failed Tinder and Bumble dates later, I finally met someone special. We’re going on 2 years now. I love him, I really do. He’s not a romantic, he’s stingy when it comes to spending money(which is fine until Christmas or my birthday comes along…), and he’s got narcissistic tendencies on occasion – but he’s supportive, brilliant, hilarious, and my best friend. He cried the first time that he told me he loved me. We communicate extremely well. Sex is sparse, but also amazing. We make each other so happy – my life would seriously suck without him. 

Valentine’s Day is in a few days…he hasn’t mentioned it, not once. And so neither have I. As I said before, he isn’t a romantic, he doesn’t like giving or receiving gifts, and I honestly don’t know how much he really knows about me. He got me a pocket knife and an otter stuffy for Christmas this past year. The year before, he gave me a cat stuffy. I love his gifts regardless because they’re from him, and I love him. However, it’s been made clear to me that the special feeling of intense adoration and affection that I once craved, and sometimes still do, is one of the past. 

I could complain and pout about being given the bare minimum. I could berate him for thinking so little of me when I think so much of him. I could stop my generosity altogether and give him the bare minimum too. Unfortunately, I’m unable to do so. My heart seems to genuinely believe that maybe someday I’ll feel special again. My friends and my parents tell me something different. I wish I could explain myself properly without sounding ignorant or idealistic. This entire piece probably makes me sound spoiled and princess-like – whining “woe-is-me” whilst I should be grateful for what I do have and receive. I’m not whining, though. Maybe someone out there reading this knows how I feel. Or maybe I’m just talking aloud and my words leave no impression behind them. 

I guess, to me, Valentine’s Day is just a day in February. Romantic gestures are few and far between in this present world, and I wish that I had experienced them later in life instead of earlier…because now, a little part of me stays hopeful that someone someday will make an effort for me – an effort greater than the bare minimum. Until that sliver of hope becomes a reality, I’ll continue to expect nothing. Maybe then, the bare minimum will feel less disappointing to receive. Happy Valentine’s Day.