Coming to Terms

“I have a soft spot for romance. I’ve always yearned for my own, admiring that of others. I would talk with my best friends about crushes, be that wingman to spark conversation between them. But every time, I end up watching others from the sidelines.” I typed into my laptop. I stared at the screen, rereading my work.

“No, too angsty.” I backspaced, deleting everything. I leaned back in my chair, closing my eyes. It is the truth though, I thought. Everybody is going on dates, but I haven’t gone on any. I sat back up in my chair, focusing again on my screen. My fingers hovered over my keyboard, but I had no thoughts for them to type. Frustrated, I got up and headed for the living room in my shared apartment.

“Hey girl,” Becca, my best friend and roommate, greeted me from the couch. She was cuddling with her girlfriend, Taylor, each of them scrolling on their phones.

“Hey,” I mumbled in response, heading for the kitchen. Before entering, I paused in the doorway. “Hey, um, actually,” I turned around to face them. “Could I get your advice?”

Becca looked up from her phone at me, a smile on her face. “Yea, what’s up?”

Nausea ate at me, embarrassment biting at the back of my throat. I’ve known Becca for over ten years, she’s seen me at my worst, she won’t make fun of me. I took a deep breath, walking over in front of them. “How does dating work?”

Upon hearing my question, Taylor looked up from her phone too. They both shared a glance at each other, before their eyes switched back to me. “I thought you weren’t interested in that stuff?” Taylor asked.

I looked down at my hair, my hands picking at the split ends as a nervous tic. “No, I am. I want a boyfriend. I’ve just never really seeked it out, you know? I was hoping somebody would just have an interest in me.”

A chuckle escaped from Becca’s lips. My eyes flick up, only to see her looking at me incredulously. “You’ve been asked out, like, ten times.”

I frowned. “No, I haven’t.”

“Uh, yes, you have.” She shot back in a mocking tone. “Remember Stephen from middle school? There was also Tyler for prom, you’ve had two guys you made friends with online that asked you on a date. And don’t think I forgot about Ricky from work, he asked you out to the movies and you took your sister with you. I also remember you telling me about some of your theater friends that confessed to you.”

“But those aren’t…those don’t count,” I scoffed. “Online is online, and by the way those guys sent me unsolicited shirtless and face pics that I never needed to see. Confessions are just confessions. The only one that maybe counts is Ricky, but he didn’t explicitly state that it was a date. How was I supposed to know?”

“Take the hint!” Becca gestured outward with her arms. “If you weren’t so dense, maybe you’d get somewhere.”

Taylor threw one hand up in between us. “Pause. Bec, that’s not fair to Ainslee,” she scolded. “However, Ainslee, are you really sure you’re interested in a relationship? You’ve never really given off that vibe to me.”

I looked in between both of them. They sat together on the couch, with Becca having one leg thrown across her girlfriend's lap. Before interrupting them, Taylor had been playing with Becca’s hair lovingly, each of them giggling at their phones and showing the other funny videos. I loved the idea of doing that with someone.

“Yes,” I started. “I want to be able to talk to someone about anything. I want someone I can drag along to concerts. I want to sit and watch movies and shows, I want to walk around holding hands. I want to be number one in someone’s book.” Because I’ve never been the priority for any of my friends, I withheld.

My roommate looked at me, melancholy in her expression. “I’m sorry for being harsh, and I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel unimportant to me.” She pulled herself forward on the couch, seeming like a parent. Or worse, a therapist. “But to me that sounds unrealistic. Yes, you get those things in a relationship. But there’s more to it than just that. It’s something you have to put effort into, and it’s a desire you have. You want to put that effort into it. To understand the person, talk to them, be with them. Are you sure you’re not just romanticizing it? Do you just like the idea of a relationship?”

Well I’ve never thought about it that deeply before, I shifted. “I don’t know.”

“Look,” Taylor gestured for me to sit. I obliged, choosing the floor in front of them. “I’ve always had crushes on people growing up. I’ve seen others, have gotten to know them, and felt a desire to be with them. I needed to know more, and I wanted to physically hold them. A lot of people also feel the drive to hook up with someone, regardless of if they know them or not. Have you felt any of that?”

I cringed. “Well, I think in middle school I liked some boys. I don’t know. It’s hard to say, because right now I can’t tell you what exactly I felt or why I believed I did.” I looked to them for affirmation, Taylor nodding at me to go on. “Recently?” I paused to think. “I suppose I can tell you if someone is attractive or not-”

“ERR!” Becca interrupted with a poor imitation of a buzzer noise. “Wrong! Sure, you can tell if someone is conventionally attractive. But the question is, are you attracted to them? Do you want to do anything about it?”

“No?” My voice pitched up. “That’s all kind of weird. A random person? Why would I think that? It just feels inappropriate and invasive to me. Plus, you don’t even know them. That’s scary.”

Taylor chuckled a little bit. “Okay, and how about if you were friends with that person?”

“HA!” I belted, before clearing my throat and fixing my posture. “I mean, no. We’re friends, and that’s how I see it. Why ruin that dynamic? So many guys have made things awkward by admitting they have feelings.” I scrunch my nose, realizing my mistake. “Well, that by itself isn’t wrong, it’s the aftermath,” I corrected. “I don’t reciprocate and they make things all awkward afterwards until eventually we aren’t friends anymore. But if we aren’t friends anymore after they do that, were we ever actually friends? Was their end goal the entire time to be with me? It’s just rude. No, friends are friends.” I concluded, crossing my arms.

“That’s also kind of your problem,” Becca gently stated. “You don’t give people room for that development, and feel betrayed when there is a change.”

I put my head down and shrug. “I guess.”

“I’m not shaming you for it, it’s just something for you to note. Anyways, your take on that is what makes me curious why you want to date. Because if random strangers and friends aren’t an option, then who is?”

That’s the question. The very thing that burns away at me.

“I know you like to read and watch romcoms, and you love shipping your characters,” Becca began, my head bobbing up and down in agreement. “But you have to understand that all of that is basically unattainable. With the right person,” she looked over at Taylor and smiled. “Maybe. A relationship is effort. You text nearly every day, and you hang out as often as you can. You want to be in their personal space, hold them tight, kiss them for as long as you can hold your breath. They annoy you, but you love them regardless,” Becca turned back to me. “Is there any other reason you want to be in a relationship?”

Heat seared my face, turning my cheeks red in embarrassment. It was a weakness I didn’t want to share. But to be honest, I didn’t want to share any of this with anyone. I’ve always internalized my struggles, keeping them bottled up and pretending I’m perfectly okay. It was the easiest thing. That way, I wasn’t a burden to my friends, and instead they could rely on me. I just didn’t like the idea of being different, of not understanding these things other people feel. For some reason, I didn't want those closest to me to know that.

“Yes,” I managed to squeak out. Taking a deep inhale, I centered myself. “I don’t want to be alone. You have Taylor, Cary has Nick, so many of my friends have significant others. Eventually you will move out, and who will I have?” A lump began to grow in my throat. “I’m constantly third wheeling. With my older sister, with my mom, with my friends. Why am I the only one left out? I just can’t understand it. But then I do get asked out, and it just feels gross to me!” I realized I was rambling, but I was on a roll now and didn’t plan on stopping. “I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be sexualized, I don’t want people thinking about me in any of those connotations! And GOD how you described it seems like so much effort. Texting someone everyday? That is exhausting. I don’t even like doing that with my best friends!”

“I know,” Becca chuckled. She was definitely enjoying my admission.

“And oh my god, I can’t stand the idea of hanging out with someone constantly just to be touchy or to spend money. Girl, I’m broke! I just don’t see myself having the desire to be with someone all the time, it feels like a chore. Why is it that the whole world is obsessed and infatuated with the idea of being attached at the hip to someone for the rest of their lives? I hate being alone. But, damn, at the same time I love it so much. I need breaks from even the people I love most because they get on my nerves. I shouldn’t be expected just to put up with all of that because it’s what supposed ‘normal’ people do.” I sighed in conclusion.

Both girls looked at me with a smile on their face, happy that I managed to be honest with myself and find my answer.

“You’re never going to be alone,” my roommate bent down to be on the floor with me. “I will always be your best friend, and I know so many others in your life will be there too. You’re a good person, and there’s nothing wrong with how you feel. In fact, there’s definitely many others out there that have the exact same thought process as you do. There is nothing wrong with you, or your feelings, and nobody has any right to place any expectations on you that would mean otherwise.”

I smile at her and gesture for a hug, which she happily takes and tackles me to the ground. I look up and invite Taylor in as well.

I may not be in a relationship like I thought I wanted, but I did end up with some damn great best friends.