The Walk Back

You ever seen one of those SafetyWalk lampposts? University installed them, like twenty years ago. Ugly little things; short and squat, a crude safety yellow, with a biiiig red button. 

It was a precaution. For people like me, walking home late at night. 

If you felt like it was dangerous, or you were at risk of being harassed, you could just press the button, wait, and someone would come help you walk home. Simple as that.

I'd never used one. Never needed to. 

The fact of the matter was this: I wasn't afraid to walk home at night. Figured I'd never been cat-called, and if I did get jumped, the good ‘ol wolverine claws, house keys between the knuckles, would work just fine.

I wasn't afraid. 

But I was lonely.

Lonely enough to do something stupid like use a SafetyWalk lamppost to talk to the first human being you've seen in God knows how long.

How desperate did someone have to be to punch a safety button for company? Pretty fucking desperate.

The thing about loneliness is you don’t know it’s there until it’s all encompassing. It's not about being apart from people. It's about being surrounded by so many people. Hundreds. Thousands. And not one of them could say a single real thing about you. Or you to them. 

I looked at the button. When was the last time I'd talked to a real person? I couldn’t remember. I hit it once. Then again. The gentle thumping did nothing for me. I spammed it some more. So hard I thought it would break. 

This has to work God dammit–

And then it shocked me.

I jumped back with a yelp, shaking my hand off as I did so, trying to get some distance between me and this faulty ass stupid lamppost--

"Hey! You here for the SafetyWalk?"

I turned. Some tanned dude in a beanie was standing there.

"Umm...Yeah." I said with hesitation. He wasn't who I expected to be my only human interaction for the month, but I supposed it was better than nothing. 

"Me too!" He waved me over. "Come on."

There was an awkward silence as we walked. The March snow hadn’t quite melted yet. The salt and ice sloshing with each gross step we took across the university cobblestones.

“You just get out of lecture?” 

He said, breaking the silence.

“No. Just studying late. You?” 

“Yeah, actually. Dr. Plimoth– didn't understand a word she said, but I have friends who take pretty good notes.”

"You have Plimoth too? Crazy. I thought she only had one section."

"Yeah, she's pretty great. Probably why she's taught here so long. Twenty years, I think.”

I raised my eyebrow at that.

“She’s a bit young to have been here that long, don't you think?

“What?” It was his turn to be confused.

“She just earned her first PhD. Barely earned tenure.”

He looked at me, with that expression people get when they have no idea what you're talking about. I’d seen that look on my family enough times to become familiar with it.

"I suppose she looks good for her age…” He said finally. “Her classes may be hard, but going to lectures beats zooming online. Right?"

"What?"And the ball of confusion was thrown back in my direction.

"You know, zoom?"

“Online learning? You mean distance education?”

“I suppose that’s one way to put it.” He paused. "DE wasn’t so bad. You miss the human interaction, but sometimes it's safer than being on campus, you know?"

“So you don't have to use SafetyWalk?” 

“So you don't get sick." He must be one of those germaphobes. “Which way are we going by the way? My dorm isn’t too much further.”

Then the oddest thing happened. I hit a blank spot in my mind. Like when you’ve studied for days on end and suddenly can’t remember anything during a test. I looked around. Did a complete 360. 

Where was I?

"You okay, you look like you're a little lost." Then he smiled at me, as if he was laughing at a joke, one I wasn’t privy to. Just like all the girls in my dorm did when I came here, like every single teammate I'd ever had on every sport I'd ever played looked at me, like my family members did whenever I said something at dinner. Like I was just some stupid thing they kept around for fun. I didn’t like it.

“You know…I actually think I left something back at the library.” I said slowly backing away.

“Do you want me to come with you?” He asked, any joking tone he had disappearing as suddenly as it came.

“No!” I said a bit too strongly. “I mean– no. I’ll be fine. Go on without me.”

He shrugged. Typical. No one ever cared past their initial concern. Not enough to push my boundaries--

“Just… be careful, alright?” He said, making me stop in my path.

“Sure.” I said plainly, before bolting straight back into the library and behind the bookshelves I had gotten used to. I hadn’t really forgotten anything, but he was creeping me out. I looked at the clock. 9:30pm. What was another hour of studying? It wasn’t like I had anyone to meet up with. Besides, it was so nice in the library. So safe. So comfortable. I could stay forever if I needed to.

You ever heard of the Stone Tape Theory? It's that theory that ghosts aren't actually ghosts, but instead recordings of past events. Mental impressions carved into the surrounding area, like chalk on a blackboard, or the ten commandments, or some shit like that. And the thing about university campuses, the old ones at least, they're all paved in stone.

I read about it once. It was fresh in my mind when I fell into my dorm room. My roommate was waiting for me.

“You use SafetyWalk again?”

“Yeah.”

“I still don't understand why you use it.”

I gave a sigh. Throwing my beanie onto my desk.

“I don't know… guy like me, way I look, my… orientation– you never know who might jump me. Especially at night.”

“You could take 'em.”

“Not if it's a group. Listen, it's just a precaution, had a good chat too. With some girl.”

“She hot?”

“You know I don’t notice that stuff.”

He paused for a second, letting me collapse into my bed.

“You know why they have those right? The SafetyWalk stuff?”

“Why?” I asked begrudgingly.

“Some girl, man. Got killed like twenty years ago, walking home from the library. My aunt told me. She’s an Alumni. Well, alumni-dropout. Started a buzz all over campus. ‘The dangers of walking alone’.”

“Did she know this girl?”

“Nah. No one did. Complete loner. Made it all the more tragic.”

Both our phones dinged. A text from the University.

Safety alert. SafetyWalk temporarily out of order. Under maintenance. 8pm-5am.

“Crazy. Looks like you got home just in time huh?”

I looked at my phone. It read 9:30pm. The alert was late. But I used SafetyWalk at 9pm--

“This girl, you get her name?” My roommate interrupted me.

“No.” I said softly. “She had to go back to the library. Said she forgot something...”

“That’s too bad. It can be so hard to make friends first year. Lost opportunity.”

“Yeah.” I muttered. “Lost.”