Previous Owned Goods

"Okay, this is the last time you navigate," Dax said loudly as he looked furiously at the star map screen. "I am pretty sure we are not on this map anymore. Plus, I see you broke the Autodrive Unit."

Hagar sighed loudly, he was just as irate with his brother but for other reasons. "Who knew it was possible to load a map upside down on the screen. Also, Dax, I spilled a little bit of beer. A little bit" He held up his hand, his pointer finger and thumb displaying a small gap. Hagar envisioned he was squishing his brother’s head.

Dax rolled his eyes as he dramatically moved his fingers in a pinching motion on the screen showing how the screen zooms in and out. Then he pointed at the arrow in the corner and it flipped the map. He pushed the button until the map was the correct way. "Look you can load it in different ways so that you can look at it from different angles, depending on where you are standing.” His remarks dripping with contempt.

He looked at Hagar, who seemed unphased by the explanation of how the star map functioned. He breathed deeply and questioned why he had decided to go into business with his brother. They had a long history of not being able to tolerate one another. Dax continued to belittle his brother, “Besides, if you weren't so, so, so...” He was searching for a word. Handsy? Not what he wanted but he would make this work.

“Handsy. We wouldn't be in this mess. You just can’t wait for screens to load, so you just push buttons randomly. You handsy, handsy... Person, you!" Great, now he couldn’t stop using the word.

 "Handsy?" Hagar yelled as he crossed his arms, surprised by his brother’s choice of word. "We wouldn’t be in this mess if we had an actual crew. It is just you and me in a large ship in deep space. Your actions cost us our crew, so this is completely your fault and you know it." He was pointing aggressively at his brother.

 "My fault? Cost us the crew? I did us a favor." Dax grumbled. Truthfully, some of what Hagar was saying was true, but Dax was unwilling to take responsibility. The money they were saving by not having a crew was immense. Less oxygen and fuel refills at the port and less food required to sustain the crew were translating into more money in their pockets. 

Hagar silently laughed to himself as he watched his brothers move his arms like he was aggressively swimming through the air. "You were the one being handsy, brother. They caught you skimming a little extra off the top". Of all things happening at the moment, Hagar was surprisingly frustrated knowing that they were using the word ‘handsy’ completely wrong. "If you weren't my brother than I would have left too; and honestly, who puts a swooshy arrow to reverse a map on a computer screen?” Hagar was waving his hands around excessively, and now all he thought about was how he was the one being ‘handsy.’ Yet again, he was using the word wrong.

Dax discouraged by Hagar, he had just explained the reason why the map screen rotated, and still, he refused to admit being an impatient button masher. “I…” He was going to continue to yell at his brother, but it was not solving their current situation. “You know what, it was Gemstar. Gemstar put the ‘Swooshy” arrow on the screen. Let's write them an angry letter, if and when, we make it to a port.” Dax said as he pointed at the label on the side of the screen that displayed the address to Gemstar. He went back to trying to locate their position on the map. He was secretly wished he had a flight crew.

The bigger problem was that Dax was having trouble even locating their destination. “You loaded the Flight Path to Star SG751 as I showed you, right?” A crudely written note with the Star name lay next to the keyboard and Dax was beginning to suspect that Hagar read the writing wrong, but none of that mattered because they couldn’t go anywhere quickly with a damaged Autodrive Unit. 

“I put in SEZSI like the note said” Hagar replied matter of factly. He knew that his brother would somehow blame him.

Dax stood up and put his hands on his hips, and stared in disbelief at his brother. He knew that his brother was blaming him, and the thought was irritating. “Are you telling me that you not only navigated us the wrong direction, and broke the AutoDrive Unit, but you also entered the destination wrong?” His head was hurting as he thought about how this was how they died. They would never be found out here, they were in the outer ring of the terra stations. Terra Colonies were few and far between out here.

“Dax, if your writing wasn’t so terrible...” Hagar stuttered but did not continue, he knew this was leading them nowhere. He walked over to a chair, adjusted his brown threadbare housecoat, before sitting in a chair. Since it was just him and Dax, he had worn his bright blue and green striped pajamas and housecoat for most of the trip. He reached over to a cooler bag and pulled out a beer.

Watching Hagar sit and open another beer upset Dax, “You seem too calm right now. We are LOST IN SPACE.” He realized his mistake with his choice of words and shot glanced over at Hagar who was about to open his mouth. “Don’t you dare use some lame 20th-century primitive TV joke because I said ‘lost in space’.” He turned back to the computer screen and waited for Hagar to speak. He was looking for a weapon to hit him with when Hagar would inevitably speak the lame joke.

Hagar mouthed the words, “Danger Will Robinson, Danger.” Being extra careful so Dax couldn’t see him because he knew his brother well enough to know he was searching for a weapon.

“Unbelievable. How in the universe did you find a Star call SEZSI”. Dax studied the map closely completely stunned to find the wrong star on the map, and of course, it was several lightyears in the wrong direction. They were further out than he thought. “Wait, I think I’ve got it. Look out the window there. See that Binary star out there? I think that is this here on the map.” Dax pointed at the pair of stars on the map. He had his other finger on the Star they were supposed to be going to for the delivery.

Hagar leaned in. “Oh look, we only have to go six inches.” Dax looked up at Hagar. The stupid remark made his head feel like it was going to burst. Hagar leaned back, when he saw the look on Dax’s face, “What? I am the cook, Dax. I cook things. I do not navigate ships. I make terrible food, as we travel delivering stolen goods across the galaxies.”

“For the last time, we do not deliver stolen goods.” he took a deep breath. “We deliver previously owned goods that were taken from the owner by more... shady means.” Sugarcoating it made it feel a little better. There was no money to be made in deliveries these days unless you worked for a large delivery corporation who ate up most of the profit for themselves. 

Hagar rolled his eyes. “Luckily it is just the two of us on the ship, we will have enough oxygen and food to make it those six inches.” He put his beer top against the side of the computer screen and slammed down his palm to make the top pop off. Foam erupted out of the bottle onto the computer screen. “Woah, sorry about that.”

Dax was beginning to realize the gravity of his mistake in skimming the crew’s pay. The crew had been the buffer between him and his brother. “For the love of all that is holy, would you stop doing that?! This is how you ruined the Autodrive Unit.” He wiped the beer with his sleeve. “Do you have a death wish?” 

Hagar was about to answer when a loud beeping noise interrupted him. He lost his train of thought as the main computer screen lit up. He had never been on the flight deck, he had always been in the mess hall and kitchen, but it was just like the old SyFy movies. He took a sip of beer and then hid it. 

“We are being Hailed, look at that screen over there and tell me what vessel it is.” Dax pointed in the direction of a group of screens.

Hagar looked at a screen and shrugged. He had no idea what he was looking at, “Um, Fuel level good? Oxygen levels are green”

Dax cringed and then pointed again, “Hagar, the other screen.” He quickly ran over to the captain's chair and sat down. He tried to tuck in his stained shirt, leaving a portion untucked and smelled his breath before trying to smooth down his greasy hair.

“Um, this one?” Hagar looked over at Dax. “Why are you smelling your breath?” He thought about telling him about his shirt, but Dax interrupted him.

“What? Nevermind.” He took a deep breath, “We are only lost in the middle of barely charted space. What else could go wrong?” He flicked a button and the main screen displayed a face. Dax's heart sank as he realized it was a Terra Enforcement Cruiser. It was just their luck they were being hailed by an Enforcer, and they had stolen goods on board.

The Enforcer’s commander appeared on the screen. “We scanned your ship and saw there were only two souls and a rat on board.” The commander said with great concern. “You are lightyears away from the nearest Terra settlement, are you in distress?”

Dax looked at Hagar, he was supposed to kill that rat ages ago. His anger was lost when he thought about what could they possibly say that would sound remotely reasonable for being stranded in space, with no Autodrive, no crew, and stolen goods on board the ship.

Hagar recognized Dax’s expression of momentary anger that melted into paralyzing fear and knew the rat was not going to be mentioned again. He had to think of something quick. Suddenly, Hagar remembered at the last port there was news of a devastating outbreak of an unidentified illness. He coughed and tried to look as ill as possible. “Hi, I am the cook on this ship, and this is the captain. We hail from Port 437X Star CG765. We just had a bout of some sort of illness. We lost all the crew except for the two of us. We became delirious and must have put our coordinates in the navigation wrong. Autodrive was set, and then we must have passed out from the illness. We just woke and are trying to figure out where we are to where we are supposed to be.” 

“Ah, Yes, we heard about that outbreak. Many people are dead,” the commander stated coldly. “Do you think you will require a doctor?”

Hagar looked over at Dax, who looked terrible and was starting to sweat. “No, I think we are fine now. Besides, I wouldn’t want anyone to come on board and possibly get infected.”

“Yes, an outbreak like this could devastate us or any port you dock at, we will flag your ship for mandatory quarantine when you reach the nearest Terra Station.” It was working, Dax was speechless. Hagar was doing something right for once. “Captain? Are you Okay? You don’t look so well,” The Commander asked Dax, who was staring off into space, as sweat poured down his face. Hagar wondered how his brother was sweating like that but was quietly applauding him for being so convincingly ill.

“Yes,” Dax stammered. “Um... unfortunately, we had a bodily fluid incident on our Autodrive unit.” He mimed throwing up.

“I see,” the Commander said slowly, their brow furrowed in disgust. “We do carry spare parts this far from Terra Settlements for stranded vessels. Let me check if we have one for a vessel like yours. Please wait for a moment.” The main screen went blank.

Dax was silent as they waited, too afraid that the Enforcer might still have mics on and could hear if they started talking. He looked over at Hagar. Hagar was staring at his hidden beer, clearly deeply lost in thought. In reality, Hagar was not in any deep thought. He was wondering if his brother would be mad if he drank his beer. He envisioned Dax having a heart attack if the screen turned on mid drink. Instead, he stared at his beer imagining how good it tastes.

It seemed like ages before the screen came alive again. “We do indeed have that part. Transfer us 10,000 credits, and we will send the part over in an unmanned Shuttle.”

Dax swallowed hard at the cost. “Um, ya, I will do that right now.” He glanced back at Hagar, who shrugged. He reluctantly sent the credits and thanked The Commander. The screen went blank for good this time. They waited in silence, and soon the only noise was the familiar bumping and thumping noises of a shuttle docking. Hagar drank his beer and got a new one as he retrieved the part. When the Terra Enforcement Cruiser left, they finally broke their silence.

Dax looked at Hagar, “Illness from Port 437X Star CG765? Are you kidding me?! Where in the universe did you come up with that?” He was proud of his brother.

Hagar had never heard a compliment from his brother before, so he mistook Dax’s statement as an insult and felt slightly offended, “Oh I am just the cook. I can’t possibly know about current events, or bullshit my way out of an impending Terra Enforcement Cruiser disaster.”

Dax was surprised by Hagar’s reaction, ”I am not trying to argue with you. I honestly thought that it was brilliant. Thank you.” He was trying to be sincere but wasn’t sure it was working. 

Hagar ignored his brother’s compliment, as he became focused on the amount they just paid for the small but important part he had in his hand. “Brother, where did we get 10,000 credits?” Hagar knew, he just wanted his brother to admit to skimming the pay from the crew.

Dax shrugged, “Aren’t you glad I was a little ‘handsy’ with the crews pay?” Hagar cringed at the continued misuse of the word ‘handsy’, but deep down was happy that they were able to get the part they needed. “Hagar, please give me the part.”

Hagar handed over the part, questioning what they were going to do with it. Dax was never a good mechanic, “Do you know how to install it?”

“Not a clue,” Dax said staring at the broken Autodrive. “I’ll manage… can you find me the owner's manual?” He joked, Hagar did not laugh. Dax opened up the broken Autodrive unit, and sat down on the floor, looking at the wires. He slowly started to compare the wires to the replacement. “I think, I got this,” said Dax as he put down the replacement piece, and cracked his knuckles.

Hagar sat next to Dax and put his beer down, “Sure why not, this appears incredibly simple.” They sat in silence for a minute. Dax adjusted his posture and then ting, glug-glug-glug. It was the unmistakable sound of a beer bottle tipping and liquid pouring out.

Dax did not look behind him, he was too afraid at what he would see, so he looked at Hagar, “I swear to all that is holy, if that is beer on the new unit, I will murder you.” He was trying to hold in his anger.

Hagar refused to look at his brother, so he looked behind him to where the sound had come from. He didn’t know what to say about what he was looking at, “So, tell me again how handsy were you with the crew's money.” Dax didn’t say anything. Hagar cleared his throat, “Perhaps, it still works, but seriously, how stranded are we if we don’t have Autodrive”