Illicit

“Look. I might sound rude, but I wanna get straight with you." Lae opened up to Amy out of the blue as they were taking their dinner.

"The other day, I had dinner with my college buddies in Dine ‘n Wine. Anything rings a bell?” While utter confusion might have been written all over Amy’s face, her palms started sweating and she felt her ears turn hot. It couldn't be, she thought. Amy convinced herself that Lae was just trying to talk about how good the food is in that newly opened restaurant. 

“No? Well, I saw you there the other night.”

This time, Amy was sweating profusely.

“You were with Peter. You guys seemed close. Too close for being just co-workers.”

Right in the middle of the crowded cafeteria, there was sudden silence. For Amy, at least.

“Don’t get me wrong”, Lae went on, as she chomped down a mouthful of the pork cuts she ordered. “I’m just telling you this because I don’t think you have no idea what kind of mess you are in.”

If it were in the movies, the glass might’ve already slipped out of Amy’s hands by now, fell to the ground, and shattered into pieces. But she didn’t budge. She was smart enough to know better; that the last thing she wanted was to catch people’s eyes. Instead, she held onto it for a short while, and gripped into it tightly before putting it down the table and bravely looked at Lae, even if her eyes were already welling up.

Amy hated taking walks for even the shortest distance but that night, she felt like walking her way home. She was wearing her usual office outfit: white long sleeves paired with a knee-length pencil skirt that curved out her petite body so well, a pair of medium-length high heels that she had to endure all day long, and a black shoulder bag to complete her daily look. As soon as she reached the intersection near her home, she paused for a while. She turned her body back, and took light steps again.

Drowned in her deepest of thoughts, Amy didn’t mind the raindrops trickling down her face. She went straight and just let herself drench in the rain. When she found herself showing up in front of a green gate, she had hesitations. Was it even worth it? She gave it some thoughts, but gave in at the end. With her hands obviously shaking from both the cold and her anxiety, she rang the doorbell once. No one answered. Amy rang the bell too many a few times, but only to no good. 

Desperate as she already was, she went on taking her heels off and raising her sleeves up her arms. The gate wasn’t that high, but it was designed to be in the form of spear tip finials which matched the pattern of its totality when viewed from up front. She’s gone mad, she thought. She shook her head and slapped her right cheek with her right hand, in an attempt to wake herself up from such a crazy dream, only to realize that everything was real.

From a distance, Kev just got out of his shift and was heading his way home. He sheltered himself with an umbrella on the left hand and the other on his pocket. With his unique facial features and his good posture, Kev was the kind of man whose impression strongly screams of success and independence.

He was in the middle of opening his gate, when all of a sudden, he heard some metals clanging from somewhere nearby. He took a closer look to where the sound was coming from. From there, Kev saw a lady trying to climb up the gate, as if she was some kind of an inexperienced thief.

“Hey, lady!” Kev shouted as he threw his umbrella away. He rushed towards Amy before she could even reach the finial tips. He reached for her hands that were clung to the wall and took a hold of her.

As the two fell to the ground, they found themselves caught in an awkward position, with Amy’s back lying in Kev’s chest. Amy stood up immediately and shook away her hands and arms. The light from the nearest lamppost perfectly lighted up Amy’s face which had Kev shocked.

“Amy???” Kev paused. “Wha-- what are you doing here?”

Upon hearing the familiar voice, Amy couldn’t look straight into the man’s eyes. Could this day get any worse? Amy thought. Just when she couldn’t handle everything in, she stifled a cry out of frustration and embarrassment.

She mustered all her courage to take a look at the man, only to prove herself right. It was Kev. Her highschool lover Kev. And just like that, for Amy, it was 2005 all over again.

2005. The year when she filled her heart with nothing but happiness. Pretty good looks, excellent grades, a supportive family, a loving and a respectable beau. Everything was perfect. Not until the end of the year, when Kev’s mom stepped in. She couldn’t help but remember how she dragged her out of our graduation ceremony upon hearing the news about Amy and her son. It all happened in an instant and she was left in a humiliation; the kind that felt was gonna last a lifetime.

And yet, there she was, with Kev showing up right in front of her.

Amy let out a stifle Kev noticed Amy trembling. She knew about her anxiety, so she tried to calm her down. “Please, have a cup of coffee in my house for a while.” He said, and gently wrapped his arms around her. It was the same old Kev that took care of her during their loving years.

Kev offered her a cup of coffee when they heard a car engine from the neighboring house. Kev took a look at the window and came back.

“Ah. My neighbor, Peter. His wife arrived today. He might’ve fetched her from the airport.”

His words pierced through her chest, but Amy didn’t budge. She couldn’t afford any more embarrassment in front of Kev.

“Wait, you were trying to get inside Peter’s house. What were you doing exactly?”

No matter how much she tried, Amy couldn’t think straight. 15 years later and now she’s struggling woman in an unstable job caught in an illicit affair.

Looking at Kev made her feel much more of a failure, making her realize how much she’s been living a life filled with regrets.

“I couldn’t even fight for myself, how can I expect myself to fight for this man... again?” She uttered without thinking ahead that Kev was right in front of him.

She can fool the world, but she can never fool herself.