Between You and Me

The sun was low in the sky, and the slow songs of the crickets were playing rhythmically all around. Shane sat on his friends couch, surrounded by four of his closest friends. Gabby, Leana, Sam, and Jake were sprawled out in different places around the room. They were absent-mindedly talked to each other about school drama. Who liked who, classes, new crushes. Only vaguely noticing that Shane wasn't an active participant in the conversation. His eyes wandered around the room, trying to sum up the courage to say what he needed to say. This was a stupid idea.

Shane cleared his throat, gaining the attention of the other four teens in the room. They all turned to look at him and he felt the heat spread to his cheeks. If this went badly, ot would break him. He knew that. Gabby raised he eyebrows at him. "You need something Shay?" She laughed. She saw his eyes darting around the room. "Shane, what's wrong?"

Sam scooted closer over and Leana and Jake sat up from their spots in front of the couch. "Are you okay?" Sam looked him in the eyes speaking quietly. He looked over to Jake concern blazing in his eyes.

Shane felt his breath picking up, so he started counting down. Down from thirty. It's okay to talk about it. 29, 28, 27. They won't think less of you. 27, 26, 25, 24. They can help you. By the time he reached one, his friend were starring at him wide eyed. "Yeah I have to tell you something." His hands were shaking. He could tell his friends were getting worried. He didn't want that, but they would be more than that after this conversation. They'd be scared for him. "I'm going away for a while." Shane put it simply. "I'll be gone for three months at the bare minimum, maybe more, I'm not sure yet."

Leana pulled her props together. "What do you mean Shay?" Then it hit her, and it hit hard. "Oh God. Shane, tell me you... you're..." She stopped talking, her hands just waved in the air. He couldn't be saying what she though he was saying.

Shane rubbed at his eyes. "It's a... um... a mental institution." He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.

Jake tilted his head to the side. "Why?" Then he seemed to get it too. There was that week not that long ago, when Shane wasn't around. Where he basically went off the grid. And he never said why. "Did you... shit... Shay!"

Sam and Gabby seemed to understand.

Gabby looked up at him, her eyes watering. "You tried to kill yourself Shane?"

A strangled noise came out of Shane, and he nodded. His whole body shaking. "What the fuck! Why?"

He shook his head. He remembered everything. That suffocating feeling that invaded his body, that took over everything. And he felt numb, completely numb. For months. "I wanted to feel something again, and I wanted the pain to stop." He felt a lump growing in his throat. "I- I never... that week I wasn't at school..." He paused to compose himself. He felt his arms burn, like a fire was growing inside them and it was scratching to get out. He crossed them over his chest. "I was... that was the week I... hmm... Eric found me." Eric, his older brother, who was home for the weekend from college. Eric who saved his life. "Apparently, I was half conscious when he did, and I was trying to push him out of the room. I ruined his favorite shirt." He laughed but it had no joy in it. He friends looked at Shane, and saw what they'd been missing for years. It was all in his eyes. His dead eyes. The eyes that once held so much life in them. He shook his light hair into his face, trying to even out his breath once again. "They put more blood back in me and stitched me up, and I was home a few days later, and I was tired. I was so tired of all of it. And it felt like I was getting worse... if felt like I wanted it to get worse just as much as I wanted it tobget better." Shane's body shook with a sob. "My mom looks at me like I'm gonna break any second, or like I just did it for attention. But I didn't. I really hoped... I felt like... nothing. That feeling is still there, but guilt is there to now. And I want it to stop!"

"Shane..." Sam went to grab his hand. Reluctantly Shane let him. "I get it okay. I've been in dark places." He rubbed his thumb along Shane's knuckle. "I understand what that feels like okay. But we're not alone. Not with this. You don't have to be."

"I hate them." Shane said quietly. "The scars." He wiped the tears from his eyes. "I hate them so much. They just remind me that it didn't work. But also that I wanted it to in the first place, and somehow that's worse."

Sam smiled at him. He'd be okay, in the end he would be, Sam knew that, it would just take a while. Ever so gently Sam slid him thumb under Shane's hoodie and over the scar that was raised up on his forearm. Shane hung his head whispering I'm sorry. Sam brought Shane's arm to his lips and pressed them gently against the scar. "If it's any consolation. I like you better alive." He wrapped his hand around Shane's one more. Gabby whispered I love yous, and Leana said that she was glad he's getting help through her tears. And Jake, he wiped the tears from his face and hugged him then sat back down. "All we need to do is make sure you learn to like it to." Shane threw himself at Sam wrapping his arms around his talker friend. Gabby wrapped her finders around him pressing a kiss to his forehead, Jake and Leana wrapped themselves out the three of them.

Shane whipers into Sam's ear, "I think I'll learn just fine."