Percy the Cat

“So,” Agatha started her response in the tone of voice she usually does, “what I think I hear you saying is that you feel down in the dumps, right?”

I nodded, but did not yet respond, because I generally felt this way and also because she seemed like she was not done with her interjection.

“And it kind of sounds like,” Agatha continued, pushing her thick glasses up the bridge of her nose closer to her eyes. Her pale face and wrinkles were accentuated by her silver hair, but her intense green eyes gave my aging therapist a burst of color. “You feel this way often. I have often heard you say things along the lines of ‘I suck, this sucks, you suck, everything sucks, it always has and it always will.’ This is what we in the Biz call Negative Sentiment Override, it’s a common symptom of mood disorders like depression.”

This was all new to me. I had been seeing her for several months by this time, and she had only ever listened and offered insights into my perspective before. I was kind of taken aback by this deeper read of my experience, and the lack of nodding and validation she normally provided me. “Okay…” I said.

“Now, I don’t mean to invalidate you in any way, Maggie, and I know this feels like a bit of a shift. I hope it’s okay that I offer some insights that other clients and people have found helpful in treating depressive disorders in the past?” Here was her usual tone, and her friendly personality again. I nodded again, feeling a mixture of apprehension and excitement stirring deep in my gut. “Okay, good. Thank you, Maggie. Now, I have a couple of thoughts. The first is that, the best treatment for depression is to do something. I know that’s vague and sounds overly simple, but when Negative Sentiment Override takes over your brain, activity, any kind of activity at all, becomes the last thing you want to do. And, to combat that Negative Sentiment Override, it’s a good idea to do something, even if you really don’t want to, because when you’re able to, it tricks your brain into disproving that idea that everything sucks. Am I making sense so far?” She looked deep into my eyes to check for understanding, and I nodded.

“Yes,” I said, “I think it makes sense.” It was true. I don’t like to do much of anything when I get in one of my moods. I didn’t bother asking how to force myself, thinking for a moment that Agatha had given me the What but not the How.

“Now, there are two ways to do this, in my experience,” Agatha sat back farther in her chair and continued. “First, you can do something active if you’re feeling angsty energy with your Negative Sentiment Override. This would be like transmuting the energy from something negative or unpleasant and using it for something positive, like an endorphin release from some cardio, like going for a jog or dancing. Again, I know this will be difficult to convince yourself to do when Negative Sentiment Override is in the driver seat,” at least she acknowledged it, “but it really is a powerful healing tool. What activities that you like to do come to mind as a way to practice this?”

“Um…” I wrung my hands together in my lap. “I guess, I used to enjoy turning on some music and dancing in my living room? I’m not good at it, and it’s kind of tiring, but it used to help me get my ‘cleaning done.”

“That’s excellent!” Agatha said. “Dancing alone, it doesn’t matter how good you are, because there is no one there to judge you anyway, and it definitely gets the blood pumping and the endorphins flowing. Great idea!”

We spent a few more minutes discussing how motivated I was to try my solo dancing, and how many times I could commit to doing so during the following week. It actually felt pretty good, making a tangible plan and having some guidance on what to try so I wouldn’t have to keep feeling so glum forever. I think I remember even smiling a little bit for the first time in her office. This session with Agatha really felt like a turning point, and we hadn’t even gotten to the most life-changing part yet!

“Great, thank you again, Maggie,” Agatha said when we had planned my weekly dance schedule. “Now, I mentioned another way to combat depression. This way is for when you feel less angsty and more numb and tired, but it’s good to practice any time, and there is some evidence that it can actually start to rewire your central nervous system! There are many names for similar approaches out there, I like to call it Making Merry Memories, because I love alliteration and I think this title explains it fairly well.”

“Okay,” I said, “I kind of like that title, too! What does it mean?” Thinking back now, I remember leaning forward and the feeling that my eyes were wider open than they had ever been in session before.

“Well, you know how Negative Sentiment Override wants to trick you into believing that ‘everything has always sucked?’ This technique reminds your body, and especially your brain, that that just isn’t the case. Also, practicing remembering pleasant experiences makes us feel those pleasant sensations again, just like how remembering sad or frightening ones can tighten our chest or dilate our pupils.”

“Makes sense,” I said.

“Good. Now, our brains are prewired to pay attention to and remind us about all the bad things that have happened to us, because then we can avoid similar situations and survive longer, which is what our brains have evolutionarily been all about. Remembering and reexperiencing the good things takes more intention and effort but can be just as powerful. So, let’s practice, okay?”

“Okay,” I said with a smile.

“Can you think of a memory that, when you bring it up, you feel at least a little bit better?”

“Um… I’m not sure….” I felt myself suddenly wavering.

“It’s okay, it can be anything. A favorite person from your childhood, or a pet, or the experience of eating a favorite meal, or just a good meal with friends, or a peaceful feeling day at the beach or a walk in the woods. Any memory that just feels a little bit good.”

“Okay… Let me think for a minute.” I turned my focus inward. When was a good day? So many lately had felt the same, and none of them good. I would have to think back pretty far. I settled on Percy, my mom’s chubby white cat. I had grown up with him, and he had always treated me with uncharacteristic patience.

“Percy, my childhood cat.” I finally said.

“Perfect,” Agatha said. “Any particular instance with Percy that felt really special? Or just in general?”

“Well, I have a pretty distinct memory of holding him in my arms and carrying him with me onto the sofa. I must have been around five years old.” I gently shook my head as it filled with nostalgia.

“Perfect, let’s engage as many of your senses as we can to make the memory as real in this moment as possible. First, what did you see? Try to state it in the present tense.” Agatha directed me.

“Well, Percy was white and had long fluffy hair, so I see that. I see the beige walls and the white mantle and hearth. The sage green carpet in my mom’s house. It was summer, I am not sure what month, but the sun is bright coming in through the window, and some of the grass out in the front yard was yellowing, despite my mom’s strict watering schedule, so probably mid to late summer.”

“Good, that’s a lot of detail. What do you remember hearing that day?”

“I heard Percy purring, he had such a deep rumble to him. And the air conditioner, it was sometimes a little clunky.”

“Very good, and how about the temperature? Was the air conditioner keeping it cool?”

“It kept the house comfortable, but Percy was warm on my lap and tummy, and the sun was warming up my neck and shoulders.”

“Great,” Agatha said, “Remember, try and tell me about your experiences in the present tense, like they are happening in your mind right now.

“Oh, right, it feels comfortable and warm.”

“What does the couch feel like?”

“It is actually pretty firm, not letting me sink it very much. Kind of hard for a couch, and the texture is a little scratchy with different thicknesses of fibers stitched in. It’s not unpleasant, though, I loved that couch. And Percy, he feels warm and soft, and that rumbling purr feels nice on my legs and hands,” I added, assuming Agatha’s next question.

“Excellent, Maggie. Now, I want you to notice what you’re feeling on the inside right now. I don’t mean emotionally, because we all experience those differently, so more specifically the sensations inside your body. Where do you feel different now than you did when we started this exercise?”

“I notice my shoulders feel less tense, and my chest feels… I dunno, lighter? Definitely better, anyway.” I said.

“Good, and if that better, lighter feeling in your chest had a shape, what shape would it be?”

“Round, like a sphere,” I answered, without even knowing how I knew the answer.

“And if it had a color and texture? What does that light sphere feel like?” Agatha continued, asking more questions than she ever had in any of our previous sessions.

“It would be yellow, and it feels warm. Like a tiny, happy sun,” I answered.

“Excellent. I want to bring your awareness to the fact that you are smiling, Maggie. You have been for the past five to ten minutes, I think,” Agatha smiled at me with a deeper warmth and pleasure than I had ever seen.

I giggled. “Well, it feels good!” I said.

“That’s wonderful, Maggie. From now on, I want you to know that you can bring up this feeling, that happy tiny little sun in your chest, whenever you want to by simply remembering that day on the couch with Percy. You have that power, you can control this.”

I nodded, still smiling. “Thank you, Agatha. Can we schedule a practice for this merry memory thing, too? Like we did for the dancing?”

“Of course,” Agatha said.

During the last few minutes of my session that day, I gladly committed to practice reexperiencing this memory twice a day for the next week, and I kept that commitment. I think this practice, which I have done ever since, with several other memories, too, has saved my life.