Alone

Meg wiped a tear from her eye, as she watched the snow fall outside . Last year this would have been a perfect picture, she thought. Now it seems so cruel. A reminder of how sad and lonely her world had become

Meg and her husband, Tim hadst enjoyed the holidays in their remodeled farmhouse. The smell of cinnamon and oranges throughout the house the crisp smell of pines and firs greenery..Tim would cut down their Christmas tree and always would bring insects branches for Meg to make her infamous Christmas wreaths and porch pots.

Meg’s daughter and family would come for the holidays and would enjoy the festivities of cookie baking and porch pot making. It was something Meg look forward to every year, every year till now.

Shortly after Christmas last year, Tim started to have headaches, worse than just common migraine. He did not eat to see a doctor but meg insisted after he passed out outside. 

“I’m afraid your husband has malignant brain tumor “ said the neurologist. It appears to be stage 4. We can do radiation and chemo to see if it will shrink, but no guarantee it will.

Meg and Tim left that appointment stunned. They had a choice. There was no guarantee that if he do all the treatments that he would have any more days on with her. And if he did the treatments, what quality of life would he have?

Meg struggled with the decision, she wanted Tim and her to grow old, together. She knew Tim had to make the choice and she wanted to be supportive of him. 

She and Tim discussed the options . “If I take the treatment” said Tim, “I am probably looking at having treatments 3 days a week, being sick probably at least 2 days tired one day giving us maybe one good day a week, and no way of knowing if I will have longer time after this is done. Where’s as if I don't do aggressive treatment? Try to stay healthy , eat healthy, I may still have pretty good days, I usually have maybe one to two days a week that are debilitating but we would still have 5-6 days of good quality, days. We could make the most memories. I don't want to be aggressive meg. I want quality with you not just quantity.”

Meg agreed but her heart was broken. We will have to tell Michelle.

“Dad, you can’t just give up. You have to fight this, “Michelle said. Tim and Meg explained their reasons for their decision. Michelle agreed it was their choice especially her dad’s choice.

Meg and Tim and Michell and her husband, Jim and their kids, Katie, 5 and twins Jonah and Judah 3, planned on a family vacation , Tim spent as much time as he could with his family, making memories writing letters to his wife and daughter and to his don in-law, he made video for ahi grand kids wanting to share as much wisdom and insight as he could into their young lives.

The weeks went by fast it had been 5months since Tims diagnosis. He has bad days and good days. He was diagnosed at the end of January it was now May, Tim was more tired and having more days of headaches. Dr had suggested hospitalization for pain control, but both he and Meg wanted hem to stay at home if they could control the headache.

Each week Tim was getting worked, Meg had special bed placed in the family room, it as the room with his faerie view of the lake and Rees outside, Michele and Jim and kids came for visit Michelle had discussed whether to let kids see Papa. Jim had decided that if papa had a good day, they would have one last visit with him. Tim knew that it would be the last time he would see the kids and he hugged each of them and said how much he loved them he did not tell them that he was dying that would be too much for little ones. He actually made  video to share with them, when the parents thought it was appropriate He shared even though he may be gone from this live he would be n heaven..and they had the hope of seeing him again.

Michelle had Jim take the kids home and she stayed with her parents.

Tim had entered into heavily rest in June. Michelle stayed a couple more weeks, then needed to get back home. “I hate leaving you mom," she said. “No worries,” M eg replied. “You have your family you need to get back.”  “How about you come to see us next month mom?”

The weeks went fast with all the legalities of will, life insurance, that meg had to go through. She enjoyed spending a week with Michelle and family. As much as she enjoyed being with them she wanted to be in her own place she missed her familiar surroundings, funny thing was at home in the familiar it seemed strange without Tim. The days kept passing on and she fell stuck.

Meg traveled to Michelle’s for Thanksgiving, Michel had planned for her and her family to go her moms for Christmas. Christmas was something Meg was not looking forward to. Christmas was her and Tim’s favorite holiday. Having Michelle there with the kids would keep her busy but not the same. Meg said her good byes and was on her flight home. Home to an empty house. The rest of November and December weather was very cold even for the Midwest, Meg could not bring her self to do any Christmas decorating or baking. She said to her self she would just wait till Michell came and they could do decorating together maybe Jim could get the tree, if he waned. She was trying to think of ways to make a family holiday . 

Blizzard watches forecasted, great she thought,

It had been 5 months since she lost her husband of 39 years. Her daughter was 450 miles away. And it looked like this yer heavy blowing snow and blizzards were forecast throughout he holidays for everyone. Meg would be spending g her first Christmas alone.

Alone, funny, Meg could remember times when she looked forward to having some alone time, time to er self. Time of peace and quiet. Meg enjoyed sitting in her reading nook with a cup of coffee and reading. Or taking some time to paint watercolor birds and flowers. Just enough alone time to allow creativity to flow. Now she didn’t feel creative at all. Now there was too much alone. Alone time, she hated it.

I will most likely be alone for the holidays, she thought, who would know if I put up Christmas decor or not. The water is supposed to be crappy, I can’t go anywhere. Michele and fam can’t come here. I just don't feel like doing anything.

Meg’s cell was vibrating, Meg saw it was Michelle calling, putting on a fake smile trying to sound fine she answered, “ Hi sweetie how are you?” “Hi mom! I am bummed that the weather is supposed to be bad. We really wanted to be together for Christmas especially this first year” “I know it ’s sad and depressing Michelle, but I will be fine,” Meg said, trying to convince herself.

“Have you put up any decorations yet mom?” Meg didn’t answer right away, “You are going to do some donating aren’t you. You always had such nice festive decor.” “Not sure , your father did a lot of the greenery,I don’t think I want to put the tree up. It just isn’t the same. Since it looks like you guys can’t be here for the holidays, it doesn’t make sense to decorate just for me.”

“Every where I look I think this is where Tim would want this or this is where he would put the tree. I have to remind my self he is not here. He is not putting up the tree or bringing me fresh greenery. He isn’t here to sit with me in front of the fireplace and listen to old Christmas tunes .As we drink hot chocolate We would enjoyed the lights flickering on the tree and the flames dancing in the fireplace. This house is empty and is going to be empty just like my heart” “Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset, I just thought something pretty in the house would brighten your days.” “It’s fine hon, I guess I am just not in much of mood to do anything right now. I will talk to you later”

Meg hung up the phone and thought, “Oh. I’m just having pity party for myself.” Meg got up and surveyed the room. Tim was the one who put the tree up. If she was to have one she would have to do it herself She just didn’t know if she could bring herself to that. Maybe Michelle is right maybe some pretty decor would make her feel some better.

Meg brought up a few Christmas boxes from the basement. She looked at the pieces and decided to put a few pieces on the mantle, she even placed some white lights across the mantle wrapped in some greenery, she placed green and gold bottle brush trees on the outside edges of the mantle. Meg looked at the mantle and decided maybe Michele is right maybe having some things out will make me feel better. Meg, decided to fix some hot cocoa, pouring it in her favorite Christmas mug, the one she would sit and drink with Tim. She turned out the lights and only had the lights on the mantle and the fire place on. She started to sit down, then she decided to get out Tim’s mug and pour another cup of chocolate. She carefully sat his on the ottoman tray Meg threw a blanket over her lap. Raising a toast of hot cocoa to Tim,“Fist Christmas without you sweetie, this is s so hard. I really didn’t feel like doing any decorating. Michelle and family can’t make it home, so I am all alone. I don’t know how I supposed to do this without you. I miss you so much I don’t want to be selfish and wish you were still here. I know you were suffering. I know you are in a better place. It’s just so hard.

Do you remember our first Christmas together? We lived in a tiny apartment and found this lopsided tree? We thought if we place it in the corner no now would see the side that was so sparse? So we placed it in the corner and decorated three quarters of it. And we had your folks over for supper one bight and we herd this crash and we looked and the tree had fallen over and broke half the ornaments. I wanted to cry. Your mom kept saying, “It's ok dear” and you and your dad were laughing so hard. I miss your parents too. Hope you are having a wonderful holiday with them in heaven. Hugs to you.

Meg decided to FaceTime Michele. “Hi Michelle” Look what I did.” Meg turned camera and shows Michelle her decorated mantle. “Mom that is so beautiful. I am so glad you decided to put up some Christmas. How do you feel?” “I won’t lie and say life is great and I am fine. I am just taking things a little bit at a time. I don’t think I will put all the decor including the tree up. I may just stick with this. But I did p have some hot cocoa just like you r dad and I would have, after we were done decorating. I even poured a cup for your dad and I sat n the couch watching the lights and the fire place and just talked with him as if he was here. I know he isn’t here but remembering our first Christmas tougher was a nice memory. I told him I missed him. Told him to have a Merry Christmas with his folks in heaven.

 “ Mom, memories are a wonderful thing. We can look at them anytime we want to. Memories can help us to feel close to those we’ve lost. I miss dad too. I was thinking the other day when I was little he would carry e on his shoulder when we go look for a Christmas tree, he use to say I was his look out. “Keep you r eyes peeled Scout. It is your job to spot the perfect see for me to cut down for Christmas,” I thought for years dad would not be able to cut the perfect tree if I want on his shoulder helping hime look,” 

“Mom, I am sorry we can’t be there this first Christmas without dad. I really wanted us to be able to share memories together. I am sure this first Christmas alone, without dad or us being there has to be hard. Believe me it is not what we wanted. But this one ting I hold onto and it is something you and dad taught me, and that is God will never leave us or forsake us. He never said life would be easy or that we won’t go through har times or sad times he just said he ill be with us.”

“You’re rig ht Michele, I need to remember that God is with me, I need to just trust in him.” Thanks for the reminder. FaceTime Christmas morning os I can watch the kids open gifts.”You know we Weill. Love you mom. “Love you too”

Meg went and poured herself another cup of cocoa looked at Tim’s cup as if it was going to be empty, smiled and got a third cup of cocoa, and placed it on the table in front of her. “Merry Christmas Lord.I hope you and Tim are having a great day. Help me during this time and help me to realize with you I am never truly alone”.