Nights and Letters

I watched the candle flicker from the breeze coming from the open window; quill poised above the letter I needed to finish. I looked at the stack of letters I had written to you each night, never sent. Each a declaration, of what, I was never sure about. The thoughts of your beauty in my head confused me, making it hard to concentrate on what I needed to say. I set the quill down and walked over to the window. I opened the curtain to let the moon in. As its harsh white light fell onto my turned down bed, I thought about you. Your beauty; your grace; everything that you are. From the window, I saw couples walking hand in hand, whispering sweet words of love, even in the lateness of the hour. As I watch, hidden from their view, I wonder if they could ever understand. As I continued to watch, I remembered the numerous conversations and debates with my friends. I realized that they could never understand us. The pull of your beauty; the way you smile; the whisper of your fragrance wafting through the room. Shaking my head to dispell these thoughts, I went back to my desk. The blank paper again began to mock me as I sat with quill in hand. What to say, I thought as I slowly let my thoughts wander back in time. I remember the first day I heard your laughter carried on a gentle breeze that warm Spring day, through my open window. I moved quickly to see the source but was too late to see your face, however, the fall of your jet black hair intrigued me. As I walked through the square later that evening, again I heard your laughter. I followed that beautiful music to where you were waiting; standing in all your glory under the full moon. With the barest of light playing on your face, I saw your beauty. The paleness of your skin mirroring the light of the moon. Your hair rivalling the darkness of the night. As I watched from the shadows, something began within me. Something unknown to me, something that began to burn. I walked back to my home. Thus began my writing to you. The words of a mundane life printed on pages to express what?

Days went by as I went about my life. Weeks of mindless wandering through my routine with hints of you everywhere I went. At the theater, at a restaurant, out in the park. In the random hours of the day as you passed my home. I took to watching for you; just waiting for a chance to gaze upon your beauty. You always came. My nights were endless, thoughts of you and your beauty only marred with the frantic scratchings of my quill to paper as I wrote.Then came the day I saw you near the church, dressed in white satin, more beautiful than the moon. I knew. I knew... what? Then it came to me, what I have been trying for so long to tell you through my letters. I put quill to ink and quickly wrote before my thoughts slipped away.

My dearest Love,

Tonight , for unknown reasons, I finally understood my uncertainty, the truth I was unable to profess to you. From the first time I saw you standing under the moon your beauty captured me. You entranced me with your laughter. I waited each night for you, not understanding why, until now. You are so beautiful in white satin; your hair a black halo floating around you. Standing there, looking at you, I realized that I love you. That's the truth of it. I love you and will forever love you.

I looked at the simple message, my declaration, my truth; folding the paper and placing it into a cream envelope. I picked up the candle and letter and headed down the hall to the stairs. The flame flickered from the gentle breeze blowing through the windows. I followed the stairs down into the bowels of my home. The darkness swallowing the light of the moon and the candle the deeper I went.

After several minutes I came to a heavy wooden door with two torches waiting on either side. I took one down and lit it from the candle. Placing the torch back in its sconce, I blew out the candle. I knew I needed both hands for the heavy door. I pulled and grunted as it slowly opened to the darkness within. Taking the torch down, I walked into the room, lighting the many candles placed in here. The flickering light playing with the shadows. I walked to the middle of the room where you were laying on a bed of white satin, still in your wedding dress, beautiful in our love. Staring at you, I thought about my truth, what it meant to finally admit that I love you. With thoughts swirling with the knowledge that our love was meant to be; I leaned over and placed the letter in your hands, my declaration. I knew then that it was time. I walked to the door and pulled it closed, shutting us away from the world. I then went to the wardrobe that was sitting in the corner. I opened it to find the suit waiting for me; full tails, cape and top hat as dark as your hair. I slowly changed making sure everything was in place and spotless. Although I know I can never match your beauty or grace, I hope it is enough. I reach into the inner pocket for the envelope I placed there the day you came to be here. I walk to the bed, with letter in hand, and bend down to kiss your lips one last time. I lay down beside you, placing the top hat above my pillow, hands crossed on my chest clutching the envelope. As the candles sputter and flicker out, my whisper is deafening in the darkness as I make one final declaration. One final truth spoken as sleep finds me for the first time in years.

          " I'm sorry I killed you."