Kinda Hurt. Okay?

You said you loved me.

Okay?

I fell into that lie,

okay?

I knew it was lie, okay?

All I wanted was it to be true,

okay?

Wrote poetry every day for the future,

hoping you would overturn them for our future.

You’re a liar,

that’s for sure.

I put down my walls for you

just to be left behind?

You said you loved me first anyways.

Buncha weirdos!

Though, I'm not the one to talk.

I said I loved you back,

I knew I didn't love you.

When you left me behind.

It started with the texts.

You stopped responding.

Why?

To be told I was pretty was the best!

It over wrote all the times I was called ugly. By everyone.

To be loved was amazing!

Yes!

To be missed was glorious.

Someone was thinking about me!

But you’re a lie.

And you lied.

Truth is, I only liked the idea.

The idea of you.

Summer break ended with a buzzzzz

School started, and you left a trail.

My messages were filled with love.

And all I felt from you was distance.

I didn't understand,

did I do something wrong?

3 weeks into school, I felt blessed.

Had many friends, never stressed.

Kinda felt burdened by you,

you were thousands miles away, but I felt you pull away.

Sighhhh

Soon one day, I logged in.

Instagram best place for friendssss.

Posted a story and I saw you kinda viewed it.

Okay?

My 3-day old message was still unopened in the DM’s.

My heart kinda crushed, but still--

Okay?

I avoided the phone all day till the end.

I looked at my views on my story.

Once more.

And I couldn't see your name anymore.

Why?

I checked once, you’re a fool.

Checked it twice, I'm a fool.

Checked it thrice, I'm the besssst.

I was blocked on your list.

From that moment I knew I hated you.

But I knew you were gone.

You didn’t care at all!

Not from the beginning, not at the end.

You never loved me.

You needed me. You used me.

I’ll never forget.

My feelings left all at once.

I told myself to calm down,

shivers ran down my spine.

Kinda heart broken...

Okay?

Kinda sad...

Okay?

Kinda mad...

Okay?

Kinda gone...

okay...

The only person I had was me.

Who wiped my tears, but me?

I only have me.

Only me.

I forgot that for a minute.

I thought you would be there when I cried.

But you weren’t.

No one was.

I texted all my friends, tried to get them to talk.

They never replied.

Okay...I lied, they knew all along and tried to warn me.

I didn’t listen, because I already knew.

But oh it was so nice to feel loved.

I denied all the signs, on purpose.

I’m not stupid. I knew you’d leave.

I told you, you’d leave.

But you told me “never”

Sigghhh

I enjoyed the moments,

till he left.

It's okay I didn’t cry anyways.

I went right home and laughed.

Cause what would crying do?

I cried for you once.

Cried for you twice.

I will never cry for you a third time.

First time you lied,

I was surprised.

Second time you lied.

You told me to trust you over my mind twin?

Liar.

I lied back and told you I trusted you.

I thought I did. Back then.

But now…I realized

I didn’t trust you,

never did.

I just didn’t think you were that bad, I wrote these notes in my head.

My reality and fantasy were fighting with each other.

But you weren’t even thinking about me, you never were

You had other plans.

just cause we weren’t in the same class

I guess you thought it was okay to go behind my back.

Its too bad I have eyes everywhere right?

Alright.

Once we left the school 8th grade year.

You claimed to be on a camping trip,

You claimed you had to go.

But posted on your story,

ya think I’m dumb?

Okay.

Told me you were going to bed

But that green dot don’t lie.

I texted over and over.

Ignored to the max.

I’m annoying? I got that long before you came along,

I told you right?

‘I’m hard to handle, I do what I want.

Are you sure you love me?’

And you replied.

“Yes, I will never leave you”

Kinda corny I know, but back then I thought

Maybe now when I cry in the closet on my own,

you would be one call away

to tell me I would be okay.

HAHAHA LIAAAAR!

Don’t get it wrong, I’m not depressed.

I’m not sad.

I just want someone to understand,

to stay.

sigh

I won’t wish for that anymore.

I’ll push them away, cause their too late.

Where were you when I needed you?

Now I’m talking to all of you!

I’d text and no one would respond,

BUT! When you needed me, you blow up my phone?

Oh goshhhh! isn’t that sweet?

Go-to friend at its finest!!

I’ll talk but I know you don’t care.

Fine.

I’ll stop. That’s what we all want.

Stop telling people to rely on you if you’re going to leave!

I guess they don’t want to seem rude,

but child if you know you can’t handle it

SAY THAT!

You know what its the broken people

who know how to help the broken,

No. That's not what I meant.

Its the people with the most problems,

who suffer so much that help others.

Not saying that the people who don’t suffer do not,

but if you ever have that one friend who is always helping others

who is always there for you. Never complains.

That person is probably hurt. Deep inside.

And the only thing that helps them is helping others.

They know how it feels,

so they’ll try to prevent it from happening to others.

Well I can only speak for myself,

For me, the things I do for others is what I wish to be done for me.

I know, probably never going to happen.

But still seeing them happy helps me.

Seeing them smile makes me think

“Good, now someone else won’t have to suffer like I did”

When you ask me how I am doing, I’ll say ‘I’m good.’

Cause we all know that’s what everyone wants to hear

Its a rhetorical question fool.

Reply accordingly.

Back to the main topic at hand…

The least you coulda told me was, why?

State your reason.

State your reason.

That was all I asked for before and after.

If you had given me a why, I probably wouldn't

blame and hate you so much.

I woulda understood if you told me...

But you didn't.

Truth is, I hate you now.

Cause you lied to my face.

But–

you also opened my eyes

and showed me how alone I truly was.

Surrounded by so many and yet…

who would go for me the way I go for them?

I don’t know if this lingering hatred will ever go away,

but I do pray they will.

I simply want nothing to do with you.

I won’t forgive you,

you don’t deserve it. Plus, I know my forgiveness does not mean crap to you.

I know your not sitting there thinking about me.

I know you don’t care how much you hurt me.

And that’s okay.

At least now your not lying anymore.

Right?

All I want is to forget.

Forget you, forget how happy I felt during those times,

wearing my clown outfit.

All I want is to forget.

I know its impossible, in fact I wish it never happened

but yeah

I’m done talking about this. About you.

This will be the last time you cross my mind.

So l write my heart and mind out here.

October 16, 2019.

You left.

October 16, 2020.

I’ll bury this letter in the dirt of my heart.

My time capsule.

October 16, 2021.

I’ll read you again.

And again.

Someone told me, that I can’t do everything on my own.

As much as I wanna prove em wrong.

I am aware that they are right.

So to that, I guess I’ll say,

Emotionless forever,

Till I find someone better.

~ Ugochi’s world. We are both living in it.