Where Shadows Dance

I returned to the stage our shadows haunted, and I closed my eyes. Bringing it all back, but trying not to let the memories take me over, I thought of the last day I spent with her.

My sister moved with passion, more than I ever had at her age. The stage lights reflected onto her skin and brown hair creating an almost translucent glow contrasting the stark red of her ribbon. Our minds became intertwined and connected to the music which filled the room with completeness.

Before I knew it, our dance came to an end. Her ribbon fell to the ground as she tripped, leaving me alone in the eyes of the audience. All those years to reach that moment existed for nothing. I was unable to let go of the failure, it stirred inside me growing larger every moment. We ran out of the building into the night, where I left her. We raced each other to the place she died, a meaningless preventable death. I had only needed a minute, against her pleas to not leave her in the care of the night, I set out alone. I don’t know if she had run away, or was taken, but no matter how hard I looked I could never find her again.

But the haunting memories had always found me, and never once came to an end. Her pleas and last words, all mixed with reality. “Am I not good enough?” That played every time I picked up a ribbon. “Don’t leave me alone.” Those words always followed me. Even still, I swear my mind plays the music of that night every time I blink, and it shows flashes of her face before death claimed it.

I opened my eyes. The lonely stage was close to pitch black. In the darkness I could only hear dripping water, or at least I hoped that’s what dripped. Ice grasped the air as my heart beat faster. Here the voices demanded the most of me, so here I would discover if the whispers in my mind existed. Still trusting only my hands and ears to get around I finally came to a stop, staring into complete nothingness. I considered turning back, but I stood my ground using all of my will power to fight against the instinct to run. Soon my head became light, I lost touch with all sound and a vacuum replaced the coldness in the air. Then for a moment it was like even gravity released me to the emptiness. I needed to make a conscious effort to breathe. In and out. One more time. In and out.

Coldness possessed the air again, but this time it seemed to reach into me, exposing every part of me, inside and out. My body didn’t know how to react to it. Instead of shivering or bunching up I stood there paralyzed. It became harder to breathe as seconds passed by and my heart needed to work unnaturally hard to pump the blood through my body. I moved to give up, but then ever so slowly in the darkness, a warm hand touched my face.

It was soft, but when I reached out to it there was nothing there. I resisted the urge to scream but made to leave the stage. Still, inside of me I wanted to stay. Somehow a feeling of yearning I didn’t own rested in my heart. I stood my ground. Shattering through the silence a soft voice ignited the room with a feeling of closeness.

“Calm.” It was the only word I could make out from the whispers. I took a breath in, and spoke.

“Who are y-you?” Now I began to shake. Like I had been awoken from a dream only to realize I had been awake the whole time, it had always been real. Not knowing whether to feel relief or fear, I dropped to the ground so my legs wouldn’t have to carry me any longer. I wouldn’t be running anyway. Not this time. The whispers started again.

“Peace.” I curled inwards hugging my knees and burying my head, partially for the coldness which began to take effect, and partially to keep myself from crying. I didn’t, instead I found myself and tried to calm down. When I lifted my head I kept my eyes closed, but everything became dizzy again.

I opened my eyes. In front of me lights twirled around like lost fireflies, unsure how to stand out among the starry night.

As I tried to make out a shape, the lights became bright enough for me to see my breath. One at a time the lights evolved into streaks that moved like a ribbon dancer’s thread. My memories flashed back to the day I lost her, red ribbon flying in the air with no care in the world to ever bring it down. Every time I blinked I saw her face, so I kept my eyes wide open.

As my heart rate came back down the warm lights transformed into something more daunting than I thought possible. A face. The most innocent face I have known, one which was filled with passion and love for her family. Once again my sister looked at me with eyes that could only belong to a broken heart.

When I closed my eyes I saw her death, but when I opened them she still continued to haunt me. There was no escape, until… I remembered why she left me in the first place. I would not run away again. The coldness had started to devour me, and every time I breathed I felt a sharp pain in my nose and lungs. When I looked up I couldn’t stop it if I tried. Tears came down my face, almost as a last attempt to blur my vision and keep from seeing what was real.

“Please, I’m sor- I’m…” I couldn’t even get the words out. The lights came closer. I met her eyes as she came down onto the floor with me. Not sure what to do I let it happen, and she put her arms around me the way I used to do for her. Warmth came to me in a flood, like I had somehow been covered in a winter blanket that could heal even my heart. I tried to embrace her, but my arms went straight through the light.

“Do you want to finish our dance?” My sister’s words became clear. I lifted my face to be level with hers. I put my hand out, but then pulled it back. I did not know what embracing this would mean, but still I stepped into the unknown.

“Always.” It was barely more than a whisper. I began to wonder If I would lose her again. What would happen if I stepped into the light? I could tell she knew the answer, so I lived every second as if it were a day.

I remembered the dance perfectly. How could I forget it? I didn’t have a ribbon of my own, but hers became the tie between the both of us. I no longer needed to mentor her, for she was more graceful than any dancer alive, and the ribbon flew across the darkness in every brilliant color the eyes could see. Her laughter filled the empty room with life and it blended into the music playing in my mind. As we danced for our invisible audience, I moved closer and touched the air where she should have been. I breathed out, and let go, I allowed the rhythm of the dance to take control. More than once the ribbon circled around me, moving like the leaves blow in the wind. Then I realized the ribbon was no longer something she had to lift and spin, it was an extension of herself, of her soul.

I moved closer. As the dance came to an end I watched the sun start to come through the windows past the auditorium. When we both stopped spinning I came to her once more. And I let it go.

For the first time in eight years I held my little sister’s hand. Her touch was warm but fleeting, as though she was made of only memory. I embraced her, more grateful than I have ever been before. I was barely able to speak, but did so the loudest I could.

“I’ll never leave you again.” Her glow faded as light invaded our time. The last thing I saw was a smile painted on her face, free from sorrow and regret. The air was lighter, and her laughter real.