To Whom Shall We Go

“I hope that there is not an eternity. It would be too much to bear. My life is fine with what I have here, what more can I ask for? My bathroom floors are heated. My car self drives. I order my food through an application on my phone. I keep family time to a minimum, only visiting the ones I approve of. I’m busy. I’m incredibly busy. There’s a lot I have to do on this earth, I make sure to make time for my friends and for the activities that give me joy. I eat three square meals a day and exercise regularly. I wake up at the same time every day. I live in a nice neighborhood, donate to charity and volunteer down at the soup kitchen. I am 47 years old. I do not need an eternity to enjoy my existence, I barely want another 40 years on this planet. I don’t have everything that I want. I don’t need everything that I want. My desires don’t all need to be fulfilled. What irritates me most is when people insinuate that I don’t do enough for them. My life is orderly and I’m very busy, I do not have time to make everybody happy. Let me live my life and I will allow you to live yours.” remarked Fred. 

The sidewalk was scattered with dry gum and homeless people. Numerous businesses and restaurants stood on the left-hand side of Fred and on the right-hand side of John. The cuty’s University was just about a block ahead. It reeked of urine for most of that block. The crowd walking up and down that sidewalk wasn’t too heavy. The sky was clear, sun was out, you could feel the heat on the side of your body, which was exposed to the sun. Traffic was light and not too many people left in general since it was summer break. It was a Tuesday, at about 2:37 PM when John had stopped Fred to hand him a pamphlet inviting him to a Bible study for the third time this week. Fred was on his way back from having bought a sandwich at the local shop. Usually, he walks on the right side of the road back to the university, but today he felt ready for the conversation. Fred had been reading a book, by one of his favorite modern authors. The book contained complaints about the system at large, the way in which people contributed to the system and how religion played a decent role in upholding that system. Nothing overt. Nothing impressive. Just a plain argument, that caught Fred’s attention and was something he wishes he would’ve came up with. It was almost providence that Fred had happened to be reading this book with these ideas and John had popped up into his life, asking him to participate in his Bible study. Fred took it upon himself to educate John. The argument wasn’t the same, but the tone was similar from the book. John cowered. 

“I didn’t mean to offend you, sir. I do believe in what is written in scripture and I hope you just give it a chance.“

“Don’t try to act all nice. I’ve been to Bible studies like yours, from your exact denomination. You shame people. You judge people. You cherry pick verses to support your denominations beliefs. I understand you yourself are a nice person, but what you uphold as belief hurts people. I did not mean to come off that way, like a jerk. You just need to be more considerate when asking people to join your Bible study and think about what people have been through in their lives in regards to religious trauma. I understand you can’t read minds, but you know exactly what I’m talking about. Tell me you don’t feel shame from a lot of the things that the leaders in your group have told you were sins.“

They stood there a while, staring at each other. John knew it was all true. He was no saint neither which is why he joined his church in the first place. He felt like it was a fresh start for him. He thought that maybe if he joined the church it would make him a good person And he can encourage other people to also be good people as well. If anybody had ever found out what I had done, I would lose my forgiveness, John would frequently lament. John knew he was an imposter and could feel a deep pain in his body whenever people called him a good person. For he knew he wasn’t. He still had his old desires and almost resented the fact that what he wanted was considered a sin. He also was conflicted about leaving the faith. For he felt that nobody outside of his church wanted to give him a second chance. When he told his church people what he had done, he had told them in a fit of rage when he was being evangelized and wholeheartedly expected to be dismissed by them after sharing his past life, but they invited him to dinner. Everything Fred had expressed was true, and it felt like he was looking into his very being to understand precisely all that John was going through. The one thing Fred was missing, John felt was that one piece of information. What would Fred do with him? If Fred had found out, this good person outside of the church, he would dismiss him. John thought for a moment and realized that he assumed the same thing about these church people. Maybe Fred was different? With the experience of having been forgiven, John had a different demeanor when he exposed himself to tell Fred. Before John could finish telling Fred everything he had done, Fred was already walking away.

“I knew it! All of you church people are the same, you all are filthy people that shame others, despite having done worse!“ John could no longer hear what Fred was saying when he was halfway down the block, but he knew he was murmuring something about what he had told him. John turned around and looked up the hill and saw his fellow church members handing out pamphlets to other people. Smiled at them, waved and continued serving the church