Why Aliens Skip Earth

Trigger warning: Not a story for ones who are easily offended by everything around you.

“We’re not alone,” said Nubert, as he looked around frantically.

         Stewie looked at Nubert with a questioning look. “Of course, we are not alone. I have you and you have me.”

         “I know we have each other, you dolt,” said Nubert. “But there is something else out there.”

         The two of them looked around, seeing little since they were in the middle of a dark forest, with a penlight to get around.

         Earlier, they decided to go on a camping trip, so Nubert loaded up as much as he could on the moped and they were on their way. After a couple of hours of setting up their one-man tent, they were set to try to enjoy nature. It didn’t help that Stewie forgot the food, and the matches were wet since he didn’t tighten the bottle cap, so the water sloshed all over the scattered matches.

         “I guess we have no warm fire,” said an irritated Nubert.

         “We can rub sticks.”

         “Maybe I should just rub your head.”

         “That might work,” said Stewie, as he started rubbing the top of his head.

         Nubert shook his head and walked off.

         As darkness approached, they crammed into the tent since the mosquitoes were making a feast of them. By the time they were able to close the flaps, there were quite a few mosquitoes in the tent so as they lay side by side like hot dogs in a package, they were slapping at the blood suckers, hitting the other most of the time.

         “I need to pee,” Stewie said half an hour later.

         “Why didn’t you go earlier?” asked an irritated Nubert.

         “I had to go before we came in the tent, but thought if I held it, I would stay warmer in the tent.”

         “What?!”

         “It doesn’t work, and now it feels like my bladder is about to explode.”

         “Then get out to pee.”

         “Can you come with? It’s very dark out.”

         Nubert was about to tell him no, but then realized if Stewie took the only light, he would end up losing it. Like the time he found Stewie in the backyard, behind a bush with only his underwear on. His explanation was that he was very hot, so took his clothes off. Then the neighbors came out, couldn’t remember where he put his clothes, so hid behind a bush. There were countless stories of Stewie losing things. Even his head when he looked in a mirror that was chest high and he couldn’t see his head. He thought he lost it until Nubert calmed him down and told him to bend down.

         The two went out into the pitch dark and Nubert turned on his penlight. Eventually, Stewie found a spot, and after peeing on his right foot, then his left, he finally hit the dirt. After some time, he was finished and ready to head back.

         Now, to the present, Nubert had a feeling they were not alone.

         “I feel like someone is watching us,” said Nubert.

         “Maybe it’s a deer, or lion, or elephant,” Stewie said as he looked around.

         “Let’s go back to the tent.”

         “Okay. We will be safe there once we close the tent up.”

         ‘Sure,” said Nubert, having a feeling the tent wouldn’t stop any animal. Even a rabbit.

         The two slowly headed back toward the tent but came to a sudden stop upon looking at the tent. From inside they saw something moving around until two glowing orbs with goat shaped irises looked their way.

         “What the heck?” asked Nubert.

         “How did a goat get in our tent?” asked Stewie.

         Whatever it was, came out of the tent and stood up on two long, stick-like legs. The body was very thin too, with two long arms ending with three fingers, and the head was flat on top with the orbs for eyes halfway down from the top where, for a human, it would be where their nose would be. Whatever it was, had to be close to seven feet tall.

         “I have never seen an animal like that,” said Stewie, in awe.

         “That is no animal,” said Nubert, about to wet his pants.

         “Do not fear,” the thing said, sounding like Darth Vader. “I come in peace.”

         Nubert tinkled a little as Stewie grew excited.

         “The animal can speak!” exclaimed Stewie in glee.

         The thing just stood there for a time as Nubert was ready to turn and run while Stewie wanted to run up to the thing to pet it.

         “I have never encountered humans before,” the thing finally said. “Are you like the rest of humanity?”

         “I would say they are similar to me,” replied Stewie with a giggle.

         “I doubt that” blurted out Nubert, then cringed, praying he didn’t face the things wrath.

         “There are other beings from space here that have been here for a very long time,” the thing said. “Many of them have leadership roles on your planet. They are less smart than other beings not of this world, so I had to come to find out how they became leaders so easily. I think I know why now.”

         “You seem like a nice animal,” said Stewie. “One that talks, which is super awesome. You won’t eat us if you get upset?”

         “Eat you? I do not consume things made of your race. I will not be in a good place for a long time if I do so. Plus, I am not like your animals.”

         “No, you are not,” said Stewie, jumping up and down. “You can talk. Only parrots can talk, but now we have you.”

         “You are similar to an animal you call sheep,” the thing said.

         “Thank you!” replied Stewie. “I always wanted a coat like a sheep. Maybe one day.”

         Nubert just looked at the thing, then at Stewie, then back to the thing. His brainless friend was having a conversation with an alien. Amazing. He didn’t know what to say or do.

         “I must move on,” the thing said. “You are an interesting species. I would like to give you some technology, but I am afraid your race is not ready. You are closer to being animals in your world than most of the races out in space.”

         “Thank you!” Stewie cried out with joy and started laughing, ending in a snort.

         Nubert pretended to be a statue.

         A beam of light suddenly appeared from above, covering the thing. Then it disappeared, and they were in total darkness except for the penlight.

         “That was so cool!” exclaimed Stewie, jumping up and down. “I bet we are the first to encounter animals like what we just saw.”

         Nubert stared at Stewie, not able to see much of him, which was probably a good thing.

         “I’m going to bed,” said Nubert. Or maybe he needed to wake up.