Dear Molly

It was riveting. Like nothing I've ever experienced before. Your words echoed in my brain. Do you know how beautiful you are? I looked up to see you staring at me with lustful eyes. Hypnotized, I shook my head no. You then leaned in and whispered let me show you. I swallowed thickly, quietly answering yes. 

We danced for hours amongst the crowded room of blurry faces, my heart beating through my chest, feeling pure ecstasy as adrenaline coursed through my veins. Tell me again I mumbled, wishing this feeling would last forever. You came closer, as if you were about to kiss me, and I closed my eyes waiting, only to feel a gentle whisper of you know where to find me. And then you were gone.  

The days after consisted of sleepless nights, where my eyes refused to close, unable to think about anything else other than that night, wondering when I could see you again. I felt lost, empty inside. Then the weekend came. My friends and I all dressed up to go out to the clubs. I desperately  hoped I'd see you there. As the night went on, I felt anxious, and in an attempt to calm my nerves, I tossed back shots of vodka until they tasted like water and my body started to buzz as I spun around on the dance floor. 

Eventually needing some air, I stumbled my way into a different room that was quieter, and seemed to be just a small group of people sitting around a table talking. You found me, I hear someone say, blinking rapidly trying to get my eyes to focus. I freeze realizing it's you. I'm broken out of my stupor by someone else, a blonde haired girl with a raspy voice speaking to me. Come join us? I noticed her skin glistened with a light layer of sweat and that she kept giggling uncontrollably at nothing in particular. I glance back at you and see you waiting for my reply, challenging me. Unwavering, I quickly nod my head yes.

And There's that feeling again. That beautiful feeling.

 You watch in amusement as I rock side to side to the steady beat that loudly pulsates through the club. Through the noise, I hear you softly chuckle and see you staring at me with those same alluring eyes as before. Do you know how beautiful you are? Now familiar with this game of yours, I smile and play along. Show me I say before tossing back another drink. 

My body felt on fire, suffocating in the closeness of those who felt on fire too. But we laughed, we sang, we danced, worshiping the energy that brought us here. The blonde with the raspy voice noticed the way I looked at you, and I told her how you made me feel,  always leaving me wanting more. She studied my face for a moment then looked away. I know exactly what you mean. 

After a while I excused myself to go pee. Walking up to the mirror, I watch as my face swirls with bright colors and sparkles like a kaleidoscope. I notice you behind me as I dig through my purse. I smile as you slowly walk towards me and grab my hand. Before anything can be said though, one of my friends, who I completely forgot I came to the club with, barges through the door angry. Where did you go? We’ve been looking everywhere for you. Come on, we’re leaving. Dragging me out of the restroom and through the club, immediately fearing how long it would be till I see you again. 

I lay awake in bed once again, unable to fall asleep, staring at the ceiling.  Tormented by your absence, I jump out of bed to get a glass of water from the kitchen and some aspirin from my purse to alleviate the raging headache I felt coming about. I notice inside my bag, a phone number scrawled in red ink on a used bar napkin. It was from that blonde girl. Liz. I remember her explaining to me how she introduces herself in a different variation of her name based on the energy she gets from everyone she meets. I like you, so you can call me Liz. I called, asking if she was able to meet. She was silent over the line for a moment, eventually saying You know where to find me.

We met up at Cloud Nine, the club from before. She stood by the bar when I got there, then led me to the bathroom, which was much brighter than the rest of the club, allowing me to see her face much clearer. She looked different than before, I noticed her eyes were light green. She laughed at me. You look like shit.  I blinked dumbly at her remark, unsure I heard her correctly. I  quickly turned towards the mirror, panicked, becoming hyper aware of the bags under my eyes and every imperfection I could see. I touch my face, hating the way it feels. My lips quiver as I feel a rush of tears reaching the surface. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to make these feelings go away. I feel the blonde’s hand touch my shoulder as she tells me But I know what will help. She wets a paper towel in the sink, then gently presses it onto my face, cooling me down. She tosses it in the trash, holding out her slender hand for me to take as she leads me through the club to the quieter area. I saw some familiar faces, though not spending too much time looking, as it was you that caught my attention. You got it bad, I barely heard the blonde say. Feeling a magnetic pull, I felt myself floating right towards you. Hello, Beautiful. 

It would only get worse. I went on each day feeling myself slowly disappearing. Thoughts of you consumed me. Nobody sees me the way you see me. Nobody makes me feel the way you do. Practically comatose, I only ever feel alive when I'm with you. I would  hang out with Blondie more often in hopes you'd be there, not paying much attention to the teasing I get for being so strung out on you, falling farther and farther down. But it would only get worse. I needed something more. I needed you. Like air. Though your words of affirmation would become distorted, demonic.  Don't you feel beautiful? My reflection warped beyond recognition. No.  A nightmare I felt would never end. The fleeting moments of bliss I desperately hold onto. 

Returning home, I carelessly tossed my purse on the kitchen table, and disregarded the items spilling from the bag as I got myself a glass of water to soothe the dryness that burned in my throat. Not wanting to make too much noise to disturb my three sleeping roommates, I plopped down on the couch, far too dizzy to trust myself to move a step more. 

 I'm startled awake at 4:30 in the morning, confused as to when I even fell asleep, and why the kitchen was such a mess. I hear people talking so I sit up from the couch and follow the noise  to the bathroom where I see my roommates all standing around the toilet arguing in a hushed whisper, What's going on? Their conversation stopped immediately. They all turn toward me, wide-eyed, tears welling.  One of them eventually speaks,  that's what we'd like to know. Holding up a small plastic baggy of colorful-candy-like pills. My heart races.  I've been caught. At this moment I realize the monster I've been up against. The monster I've become. Seeking beauty in a funhouse of distorting mirrors, I've been left completely disfigured. I look to your technicolor eyes blankly looking back at me, devoid of the warmth I got so used to, but then again, your sweet, enticing words and longing looks mean nothing–for you were merely the works of an hallucination. I burst into tears, sliding down the wall onto the floor.  The hold you have on me ripped apart as the plastic bag opens.Reality kicks in, as your true form is flushed down the toilet. And for the first time, feeling relieved, hoping I'll never see you again.