Say It Again

“Did it hurt?”

“Did what hurt?”

“When you fell from Heaven?”

“Haha, very f-”

“Because you look like a demon.”

That was our first conversation. Lex’s pickup line. I should have realized back then that this “joke” of his was nothing of the sort.

March 25th, three years later, I sat at the marble vanity trying to decide what pair of earrings to wear for the big day. I had finally decided on a spring wedding instead of a summer wedding, though it had taken me months to decide. Now the choice of earrings faced me like a life or death situation.

“Ally, you still haven’t decided?” my best friend and maid of honor, Jessie, chuckled nervously from behind me, her fingers tangled in my braids. “The ceremony’s two hours away! Not even.”

“Earrings are important, Jess. They either draw attention to your eyes and hog all the attention for themselves,” I said stubbornly, pursing my thin lips stubbornly.

“Oh, come on! Your eyes are striking enough without any earrings, Al,” Jessie laughed, adding another stem of baby’s breath to my dark, curly locks.

“So you’re saying I shouldn’t wear any at all?” I droned.

“Ally, aren’t you excited?” Jessie dropped her bobby pin as she beamed at me through the mirror. “Today is YOUR DAY! You don’t even seem nervous! Are you hiding your anticipation again, like you did in our last play? You played Cinderella but backstage it was like you were the Wicked Stepmother. What gives?”

I fiddled with the pearl earrings, but the glint of the diamond pair caught my eye.

“I am nervous, Jess,” I mumbled, my hand slowly reaching for the precious gems.

Jessie stopped braiding again. “Wait...nervous in a good way, right?”

I clutched the pearls currently in my palm. I opened my quivering lips and said, “Nervous that I’m not marrying the right-”

“Ally!!”

A squirrelly boy dashed into the room holding something white in his hand. Lex’s 7-year-old brother, the ring bearer.

“Yes, Jordan?” I managed a smile for the big-eyed, red-cheeked boy. “What’s got you all excited?”

“I wonder!” Jess said sarcastically, stabbing my head with another bobby pin as I turned to greet Jordan. “Maybe a wedding or something like that!”

The short boy approached me like a servant about to bow before a queen. I think Jordan was intimidated by the huge dress and all my makeup. I didn’t usually wear this much.

“I have something for you...from Lex,” the boy panted, presenting something in his palm.

From the reflection in the mirror when Jordan had scampered into the room, I thought the blur of white in his hand had just been the cushion for the rings. Now I saw that it was something much thinner.

An envelope.

“Lex...wrote me a letter?” I couldn’t help but blush. “Thank you, Jordan.”

“No prob!” the boy smiled, showing the gap in replacing one of his front teeth. “He also told me to give you this. He said he knows you love opening letters from pen pals, but you always have trouble tearing open the envelopes.”

The young boy revealed a sharp, gleaming letter opener in his other hand.

I carefully took it from him, as if he were a knight presenting his sword.

Jordan scurried from the room again and Jessie gasped in delight at the letter.

“Cute! How romantic!” Her sky blue dress twirled slightly as she danced around the room. Her theater kid was coming out again. “He really is your Prince Charming, Al!”

“Who, Jordan?” I smirked.

“No! Lex, of course!”

“Yea...he is,” I grinned, though something annoying tugged at my heartstrings as I stared at the bejeweled letter opener with the silver blade.

I sliced open the letter and read every word very carefully, in my head, my heart fluttering.

Dear Ally,

I know you love your letters, so here’s one to keep forever.

I can’t wait to see you at the altar on this our wedding day. You and I both know that making even the smallest of decisions can be nearly traumatizing for you, and marrying me is no small decision. I think I know why you love acting now. You follow a script. A director makes decisions for you. But the best part of your acting is your spontaneous moments on stage, when you go off script, when you yell louder than you intended or cry less than Cinderella normally would. Those moments are the ones that feel real, the ones that convince the audience who you are.

But I know who you are, and that’s why I’m marrying you, not just any cliche Cinderella.

Please know of my love, always, and don’t fret over which pair of earrings to wear or something silly like that.

I love you.

Lex

I giggled, my eyes almost swarming with tears. I quickly blinked them back and decided on the pearl earrings still clenched in my fist. The letter opener was beyond beautiful, almost too ornate for someone as simple as me. Cinderella was not used to such extravagant belongings.

“I should write back,” I whispered, drawing a reaction from the patient Jessie.

“You should!” Jessie twittered, much like one of Cinderella’s birds. “I’ll deliver it! Oh, this is SO romantic, I’m gonna cry!”

I scribbled a short, but heartfelt reply and handed it to Jessie.

She was gone longer than I had anticipated. I felt nervous being alone in the dressing room, my heart racing and my braids still unfinished. I tried occupying myself by lacing more baby’s breath into my curls, but my fingers were shaky and my eyes kept flitting towards the letter opener as it gleamed like Cinderella’s slipper on the dresser.

When Jessie returned, the wide-eyed expression on her face told the truth better than any words in a  letter ever could.

“What is it?” I asked, my heart dropping, my brain knowing the answer already.

“I...found Lex...but I didn’t bother delivering the letter,” Jessie let out a sob, chucking the paper in her hand onto the vanity. “He...he’s cheating on you, Ally. With that idiot, Susanna. He was talking on the phone with her, saying he’s got you under his thumb and he’s going to go see her after the honeymoon with you and...I recorded some of the conversation in case you don’t believe-”

“I believe you,” I said immediately, my gaze hardening like ice. “I knew it. I always knew it...”

Something inside me refused to cry, but my forehead was boiling.

“Ally, I’m so sorry,” Jessie sniffed, her red eyes showing nothing but compassion “I’m...assuming you want to call of the wed-”

“No.”

Jessie gasped. “But Ally...”

“I am going to walk down that aisle, Jessie.”

And I did. With my bouquet of mint green leaves and roses as pink as my pale blush, my feet found their way down the aisle before all gaping eyes and the fake twinkling gaze of my groom, Lex.

I sat through the ceremony, holding the confident hand of the traitor next to me, waiting for the moment, the smoke from the incense traveling through the chapel along with the looming moment to come.

When the time came for the vows, I didn’t grab the ring which I was supposed to use as a sign of my fidelity to my husband. How could I accept his ring of loyalty?

Instead, I reached next to me and grabbed my bouquet which hid a treasure and gift within its bushy leaves.

“YOU BETRAYED ME, LEX!” I bellowed, the flowers quivering in my hand as if caught in a tempest. “TELL THEM! TELL THEM ABOUT SUSANNA AND HOW YOUR RING MEANS NOTHING! YOUR LOYALTY IS DEAD! TELL THEM!”

Lex clenched his jaw, and though the polished words in his letter had seemed so sincere, I could see the scorn and malice in his eyes now.

And yet, I saw no regret.

“Keep yelling, Ally,” Lex murmured in a low voice. “Keep screaming like this is one of your plays.”

The priest could no longer keep silent.

“Lex, is this true?” the grey-haired man declared, not bothering to whisper. “You came here today, to make a vow at this altar, to pledge your love and loyalty before your God...to this woman here whom you claim to love, and yet you’ve betrayed her by using another woman whom you also claim to love. Is this love to you? Is this trust? Is this honor?”

“Keep preaching, priest,” Lex almost scoffed out a laugh. “Cast the demons out of your church if you must, but I’m not the one screaming.”

My eyes widened with fury, my hands grasping the stems of the flowers, crushing them.

“Did I hurt you, Ally?” Lex asked, his voice more insincere than ever. “Did you think embarrassing me right now would make you feel better? Did you think I wanted only you? Is that what you think reality is, Ally? Did finding out the truth hurt?”

Hurt, I thought. Did it hurt?

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

I let the petals and leaves flutter to the floor like decaying dead butterfly wings. In my fist, the bejeweled silver letter opener stood tall like the spire of a cathedral.

“Say it again...” I almost smiled. “Say I look like a demon, Lex. Go on. Say it.”

Lex backed away hesitantly, the priest tried to come between us to diffuse the situation, but I threatened the white collar of the minister, nearly piercing him in the process.

The priest stumbled back towards the altar, and Lex tripped backwards over the ornate red rug below him. He lay before me, slowly inching behind the altar for cover, but I had him cornered.

“Say it again...” I muttered, my teeth aching from clenching them.

Lex stayed silent, which made him look all the more pompous and proud of himself.

“Say it...” I hissed, raising the letter opener. “SAY IT AGAIN!”

No one dared to get close to me. No one tried to stop me. The world around Lex and myself vanished as it had done many times before, during our more romantic moments that were, I now knew, nothing but daydreams.

Lex’s eyes told me I was too scared to carry through with my intentions. The smirk tugging on his lips mocked me. His relaxed jaw showed no fear.

I grasped the bejeweled handle of my gift and raised it high above my head, aiming right for the heart which had once declared its love for me. I avoided Lex’s eyes, only watching his ivory shirt which would soon be blossoming with crimson. 

Then the priest’s words echoed in my head, this time as if addressing me:

“You came here today, to make a vow at this altar, to pledge your love and loyalty before your God...”

Smoke from the candles blurred my vision, the odor of the incense stung my nose. My eyes landed on the God hanging above the altar, the letter opener poised above my head catching the candlelight and glinting like the diamond earrings I had left on my vanity.

I believed my eyes were also shimmering like diamonds that day, webbed with the bitter tears of love’s betrayal.

And yet, even as my hands trembled from clutching the blade with such anger and determination, even as I thought I would not hesitate in this decision, even as I remembered Lex’s first and last words to me, the words that finally slipped out of my trembling lips under my breath were directed towards the God on the cross:

“Do you love me?” I asked, expecting the disappointing answer as I prepared to use the letter opener.

Though no one else could hear my plea, though no one else could hear the answer, something in my heart whispered back to me. Lex’s lips weren’t moving, but I heard someone answer me. Maybe it was just the actress in me playing the role of my Prince Charming, maybe it was just my wishful thinking tricking me into hearing what I had wanted to hear at the altar that day.

Whatever it was, I know what I heard. The words were clear. Clear as diamonds. Clear as the mended shards of the glass slipper.

“I do.”