The Space Between Us

Going home for the holidays was always hard for me.

When my alarm clock started buzzing at 6:15 am on Friday, December 13, I briefly forgot about winter break and almost got up to get ready for class. My immediate next thought was it’s doomsday.

I didn’t want to go home.

My family would bombard me with questions, but that was easy enough to handle. Mom would brag about how hard I worked at Tufts, and how I had a whole group of friends in pre-med, pre-law, and engineering. I could take Halmeoni’s traditional of “Are you eating enough?” and “You look like you’ve lost weight” comments. I could handle any questions about JavaScript and Python and even C++.

The one thing I couldn’t handle was the party I’d already said yes to.

That’s why now, at 5:00 in the afternoon, I’m sitting in the sunroom gloomily, because it isn’t much of a sunroom anyways. It’s dark and gloomy outside, there’s ice on the windows, and it looks like it’s going to snow soon. I have to be there in thirty minutes.

I’ve already gotten through the family questions. Umma already bragged about me and even made a Facebook post on her Asian Moms of MA chat. Yeah, that’s a thing.

I look at the grandfather clock. 29 minutes.

Evangeline slides the door open noisily, cutting through my thoughts. “Mom said where are you, because we’re going ice skating.” She sits down next to me on the sofa.

“I’d love to go ice skating,” I say immediately, but Mom calls from the kitchen: “I forgot you have Ethan’s party, Regina! Never mind!”

“Who’s Ethan?” says Eva.

“My friend.”

“Your only friends are boys.”

I shoot her a look. “Not true.”

“So who’s Ethan?”

I sigh. “He’s not from Tufts. He’s from high school.”

Eva looks at me. “You don’t talk to your high school friends anymore, though.”

“Damn, Eva,” I whisper under my breath. For a six year old, she’s pretty blunt.

“You’d better leave soon, Reggie,” Mom calls. 

Hearing that name makes me flinch. Reggie. Nobody’s called me that since high school.

“Bye, Regina,” says Eva, mercilessly leaving me in the sunroom. C’mon, guys.

I don’t bother with my hair or outfit. I drive to Ethan’s as I am: long red coat, leggings, Ugg boots. It’s the same outfit I wore on the plane. I’m planning on a quick in-and-out; say hi, grab a snack, sing one carol, leave. And only small talk. How’s college? What’s your major? The weather lately, huh?

I still know the way to Ethan’s house.

I haven’t driven this way in two years, but I drove to Ethan’s so much that I still know it. We used to have a lot of group projects here. And parties.

I shudder at the thought.

Way too soon, I’m here. I pull in next to a green SUV—is that Annie’s? Or is it Audrey’s? I can’t remember who’s coming anymore.

I open my door and a gust of wind hits me directly in the face. Great, I think, tightening my scarf and earmuffs. It’s already freezing and it’s not even six yet.

I drag my feet to the door, making prints in the snow. The sun is already setting, and it’s getting dark. I don’t want to be here. I want to go ice skating with my family.

With a shaking hand, I touch the door bell. Maybe it won’t ring, and I’ll be forced to go home.

I flinch when the door flies open.

“Regina’s here!!”

Before I can blink, someone has thrown themselves on me, hugging me so tight I can’t breathe. “Reggie! I can’t believe you’re here!”

I pull myself away from the wild, curly brown hair to see that it’s Dana. I met her in AP bio sophomore year, and we became really close the rest of high school. I have to admit, I kind of missed Dana.

“Hi,” I say when she finally lets go. “How’s it been?”

“Ohmygosh, I can’t believe it’s actually you,” she gushes. “How have you been? You never respond to my texts anymore! Did you get a new phone?”

The truth was, I wasn’t responding to anyone anymore. New life, new friends.

“Um, I have a lot of texts I need to catch up on,” I lie.

A look crosses Dana’s face: she doesn’t believe me. Maybe she remembers what happened at the end of senior year. But just as quickly, the look is gone and replaced with another grin. “Come on, we have to say hi to everyone!”

She grabs my wrist and pulls me down the hall. Ethan’s house is coming back to me in a blur: the warm and friendly lights, the nearly year-round Christmas decorations, the fireplace, the mistletoe…I wonder if it’s still there.

“Reggie’s here!” Dana shouts, and I flinch again. We’re in the living room now, with the big Christmas tree and colored lights and decorations. I scan the room, but all I can find is wreaths and string lights.

And then, all of my friends. Evidently, I’m the last one here.

They come at me at once.

“Regina! I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“How’s college?”

“I love what you’ve done with your hair!”

“Are the bangs new?”

“How is Tufts?”

“Guys, let her breathe,” says a voice farther away. 

It’s Ethan. I can hear his smile.

“Sorry,” everyone says, backing up.

“Let me get a good look at you,” says Alex. “You look taller.”

“I’m the same height,” I say.

“How is college? What’s your major?” says Will.

“Computer science,” I say, relieved to have a question I can answer. “College is good. I have a good group of friends.”

“Is that why you don’t talk to us anymore?” says Ethan.

I look at him. It’s the first time I’ve really looked at him since high school. He has the same brownish hair, laughing eyes, and is even wearing the same beanie he wore in high school. But he looks taller. He looks more mature.

“Hi,” I say without meaning to.

Ethan smiles. “Hi, Regina.”

The room gets quiet. I can’t look at Nadine. Did she even say hi to me?

“Let’s go to the kitchen,” Dana says. “We can build gingerbread houses, like we did in high school!”

“Yeah!” says Will. “Am I going to win like always?”

“You wish,” says Annie. “I’ve been taking classes.”

“Nuh uh.”

“Uh huh! Eat my dust, Will Perkins.”

Everyone seems so happy and…comfortable. Like no time has passed at all. Like we all still go to school football games and study for exams and work on projects together.

I’m the last one in the room. I look around, taking in the space. I hang up my coat on the hat stand next to the window. It looks the exact same as it did.

“Hi, Regina Lee,” says Ethan’s voice.

I jump. He’s still in here.

“Hi, Ethan Novitsky.”

“How’s college?”

“I said it’s good.”

“You have good friends?” he asks, peering closer at my face. Like the answers are hidden

“Yeah. I said that too.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

I look at Ethan. “Seriously?”

He shrugs. “I haven’t seen or heard from you in two years.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m a computer science major,” I say simply.

He laughs. “I’m a history major on the pre-med track.”

I freeze. “And you have a girlfriend?”

He looks at me lingeringly, and my heart starts to beat faster and faster.

“Come on, guys! We can talk later!” says Annie, poking her head inside.

I jump. Ethan turns around and walks to the kitchen, leaving me behind.

Dana has set up the gingerbread men stations, and somehow I’m right in between Nadine and Ethan. I shoot Dana a look like, What the heck, but she ignores me. Maybe she’s forgotten.

I figure I might as well not ignore her. “Hi Nadine,” I say, trying to keep my voice calm.

“Hi, Regina,” she says, smiling at me. “I really didn’t expect you to come.”

“Why not?” I say, my stomach dropping.

She doesn’t say anything else to me. “Annie, pass me the red icing.”

I look at my watch. It’s 6:30. I only planned to stay for an hour, right?

“Are you sure you’re not an architecture major, Regina?” says Audrey, laughing at my gingerbread house.

I look down and can’t help but laugh. The windows are lopsided and the chimney has been deformed to a small bump on the ceiling.

“Will might win again,” says Alex, looking over at Will’s gingerbread mansion. It has turrets and balconies and everything.

“What’s your major, Will?” I ask.

“Business on the pre-law track.”

“Didn’t you see his posts?” Nadine says.

The truth is, I haven’t been on Instagram in a long time. Probably since high school. I wanted to forget about everyone.

“I’m not on social media much,” I say.

“Why not?” Nadine challenges, looking at me with her powerful blue eyes. The blue eyes-black hair combo makes her look ten times more intimidating.

“I’ve been busy,” I mutter, not enjoying that everyone’s eyes are on me. Especially Ethan’s.

“Why don’t you talk to us, Reggie?” says Annie, her voice quiet.

I swallow.

“We’ve missed you,” says Dana.

“I’ve missed you,” says Ethan.

“For crying out loud,” says Nadine.

That’s it. I put the icing down and go to the living room to get my coat.

“Regina, wait,” says Ethan, following me.

“God, this is so cliche,” I complain, buttoning my jacket up. “Get back to the party, Ethan. Forget about me. Please.”

“No,” he says, crossing his arms. “I know you’ve forgotten me, you’ve forgotten all of us. But I’m not going to forget you.”

I sniff, willing myself not to cry. “I didn’t want to forget you, but I had to.”

“Why?” he says, his voice softening. He actually looks desperate.

“Because,” I say, wiping my nose with my sleeve, “I wanted to start over. With new friends. With a new reputation.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he begins, but I cut him off.

“I did do something, to both you and Nadine.”

His brow furrows.

I point up to the ceiling, where a mistletoe hangs over us.

Christmas two years ago, Ethan’s house. Nadine told me at school that she had a crush on Ethan and wanted to land under the mistletoe with him. She gave me an elaborate plan with instructions of what to do. The only problem was, I also liked Ethan. Since freshman year. Nadine started liking him at the beginning of senior year. Nobody knew I liked him.

And I didn’t plan on telling anyone. I just wanted to follow through with Nadine’s plan and get the night over with. I’d get over Ethan, I told myself.

But something went horribly wrong that night. Instead of Ethan, I grabbed Alex by accident and brought him to the living room, where Nadine was waiting. A look of fury passed her eyes before I realized my mistake: Alex and Ethan were wearing the same beanie. I quickly apologized and went back to the kitchen to get Ethan.

“What’s up, Reggie?” he said, looking away from his gingerbread house.

“Follow me,” I said, grabbing his arm and taking him to the living room. But Nadine had vanished, and Alex. Where were they? I looked around, but there was nobody else in the room.

Ethan looked up at the mistletoe and back at me. “Do you…”

“Wait, this isn’t supposed to happen,” I said, my hands shaking. My heart was beating rapidly. Calm down calm down calm down. “Where is—?”

But Ethan’s kiss stopped my words.

It lasted about three seconds before I realized what was going on, and that I needed to stop it. But before I could push him away, Nadine walked in.

“I knew it.”

I look back at Ethan now, wondering if he remembers that night.

“Nobody is mad at you for that,” he says. “It was a mistake.”

“But when Nadine walked in, it looked like I wanted to kiss you,” I say.

“And did you?”

I pause, caught off guard by his question. “No. I mean, yes, but no. Not if Nadine liked you.”

Ethan stares at me. “You did like me, didn’t you.”

My heart starts to beat faster, but I ignore it. “That’s not the point.”

Ethan takes a shaky breath. “I know it’s pretty obvious, but I like you, Regina,” he says. “I have since freshman year of high school.”

The clock stops ticking and the world starts spinning. I know my friends are watching from the hall, and I hear a sharp intake of breath.

I don’t know what to say.

“Say something,” Ethan wills.

“Do…you still like me?”

“I haven’t seen you in two years. But when I saw you tonight, I...I don’t know.”

I close my eyes, already regretting what I’m about to say. “I like you, Ethan. Six boys asked me out this semester, and I said no to all of them. I missed you and high school and our friends, but I had to move on. The only way for me to move on was to cut you off completely. I’m sorry.”

“Regina,” says Nadine, walking into the living room. Her face says, How could you?

“I couldn’t help it,” I say, tears openly streaming down my face. “I’m so sorry, Nadine. I can’t help it.”

Her face softens. Everyone else gathers in the living room, around me and Ethan and the mistletoe.

“You should have told me,” Nadine says. “This whole time, I thought you only kissed Ethan because you wanted to beat me at something else.”

“What are you talking about?” I say, wiping my eyes and looking at her.

“What else, Regina? You’re good at everything. School, sports, music, and look at you. You’re so amazingly beautiful.”

I stare at her, not sure what to say.

“I didn’t even like Ethan that much, honestly,” she continues. “But when I came back, and you stole my spot, I thought you meant to. Like it was your plan to rub it in.”

“I’m sorry, Nadine,” I say. “It was never supposed to happen that way.”

“It’s okay,” she says, smiling tearfully. “After all this time, I really missed you, Regina. I want you to come back.”

“I want to come back, too,” I say, more tears falling.

I look at Ethan. He’s looking at me.

“I always knew Ethan liked you,” says Audrey.

Everyone looks at her.

“What? I can’t be the only one who noticed.”

We all laugh, and a few more relieved tears slip down my face. This whole time, Nadine wasn’t mad; she was only hurt by a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding, that, in the long run, wouldn’t matter anyways. We all went our separate ways and did separate things. 

Ethan’s still looking at me, and I smile. Maybe things would stay the same between us, maybe they wouldn’t. But I at least wanted to stay friends, stay in touch, with everyone.

As the night begins to dwindle to a close and hats, gloves, and coats are being put back on, I look back at Ethan before saying goodbye.

“So, New Years party in a couple weeks?” I say.

He smiles.

“Don’t forget, Regina,” he says, putting my ear muffs on me, “to stay in touch this time.”

I smile.