It's a Funny Story

“Alexa, call Andy.”

*ringing*

“This is the voicemail of Andy Green. I’m sorry, Rachel, I don’t know what I’m forgetting, please tell me. Love you. If this is anybody else, leave a message and I’ll call you back when I can.”

*clears throat* “Hey Andy, it’s me again. It’s about to be lights out here. It’s probably not even dark yet where you are, but they’ve got everything connected to the Alexa robot here, so the lights go out at ten for everybody.

“On the plus side I can talk to you without holding a phone, so I guess this is the future we were fighting for in Korea.

“I’m not complaining. I’m staring at my window, and all I can see is myself, like a mirror. Christ, I’m old. I’m fat, I’m hairless, I’m splotchy. I look like my aunt Mildred, who you met but you wouldn’t remember her. That’s the real problem with old people: we used to be young people. I remember playing tag with you when you were a kid and I could chase you down across an entire park, and you had a head start. Now they won’t even let me turn off a light for myself.

“Aunt Mildred probably felt the same way. She was probably an underwear model or something back before FDR got elected. Now there’s an awful thought. Why am I telling you this?

“I’m actually waiting for the lights to go off. I want to look out my window and see something other than my worn out miserable old--

“There they go. So I’m looking out my window. I’m on the ground floor, remember, so I’ve got a pretty good view of the lawn. On the far side of the lawn is the jungle, which is all of ten feet thick, but if there isn’t at least one alligator in there, I’ll eat a boot. On the right is the highway, and on the left is the canal, and the flamingo is right in the middle of the grass.

“I’m telling this story wrong. You don’t know about the flamingo.

“This is actually pretty funny. You’ll get a kick out of it.

“So on the other side of the jungle is the Walgreens, right? We can’t get there because of the jungle, but everyday after lunch there’s a shuttle that goes to Walgreens. That’s about what passes for world travel here, and I don’t like to stay cooped up all day, so I’m usually on it, and the other day I was on it with the Kim’s who are friends of mine, so I guess we were going to Walgreens together.

“When we got there, the Walgreens had set up their summer display in the front of the store, so you have to walk past it before you can get to anything else. They had barbecues and charcoal and tiki torches and plastic flamingos, for your yard you know? Now I never liked that sort of thing, flamingos and gnomes and so on, but your mother did. She had a…

“What was it?

“That’s right. We had a mailbox shaped like a barn when you were growing up. I never understood the point of that, but it made her happy.

“Anyway. So Mrs. Kim notices the flamingos, and she falls in love with them right away, talking about how much she wants to get one.

“So I tell her the truth, that they look like kitschy pieces of crap to me, but Mr. Kim agrees with her and they buy one, which, it’s not a lot of money, but they’re on a budget, same as everyone else here. But I don’t tell people how to spend their money.

“So they bring it home, and they stick it in the lawn right outside their window. They’re next to me, so I could see it too, a plastic flamingo sticking out of the lawn.

“And why is this a story? It’s a flamingo.

“Well, the flamingo hadn’t been in the ground for thirty minutes before the Kim’s got a letter taped to their door from that batty old cow Wanda Sykes, only she signed the thing Residents’ Association. She said the flamingo was tacky and it disfigured the entire south side of the home.

“And you’re right: it was tacky. But if the Kim’s want to have a tacky flamingo outside their window, that’s their business. That’s my opinion, and you bet that’s exactly what I said to Wanda Sykes at dinner that night.

“Well, she clutched her pearls and did the whole bit, and sure enough after dinner she called a mandatory meeting of the Residents’ Association to talk about the flamingo. So we all pile into the common room, and someone turns the TV off for the first time in living memory, which gets everybody’s attention.

“And she starts talking about this very serious issue that’s confronting the retirement home, and making it sound like plastic flamingos are flocking through the dining room every afternoon, and then she says that residents can’t just put their personal possessions in common spaces and force everyone else to put up with them without permission. Which is a helluva position for someone who has a different wreath on her door for every holiday, including Columbus Day.

“Now half the residents don’t even know what she’s talking about, and Mrs. Kim, who’s a real sweetheart, is practically in tears. So I say let’s vote on it. You’re proposing a total ban on decorations outside doors and windows where other people can see them. Well I vote no.

“When I put it like that, nobody liked the idea, so the vote went against it and the Kim’s got to keep their flamingo, and that should have been the end of it. But the next morning, the flamingo was gone!

“Somebody stole the flamingo!

“Of course I wanted to suspect Wanda Sykes, only she’s ninety-three years old and probably couldn’t pull a flamingo out of the ground any more than she could pull the sword out of the stone, but one way or another we all think she was behind it.

“You can imagine how people felt. We voted on it, and she lost, and she got rid of the flamingo anyway. But nobody could prove anything, and even if we could, what could anybody even do about it.

“Well somebody did do something, and I wish I’d thought of this, but when we all came out of dinner the next night, someone had put another flamingo right in the middle of the lawn.

“That night, all anybody could talk about was the flamingo. Most of us thought it was just about the best joke we’d ever seen. Wanda Sykes took it as a personal insult, but that wasn’t the only reason it was funny. She was all for having another meeting and another vote, so we thought screw it, why not?

“So we voted again, and she lost again, and the next morning, sure enough, the flamingo was gone.

“After lunch, I was on the shuttle to Walgreens, and it wasn’t just me: the Kims were there, and the Rosenbergs who had to give up their tomato plant, and Albert and Denise who got their croquet set confiscated, and-- well, a whole crowd of us. Pretty much everybody who had a bone to pick with Wanda Sykes.

“We bought a flamingo, and we brought it back, and in front of the whole retirement home we hammered it into the middle of the lawn, and let them come and take it again if they want it so bad.

“That was today, and that’s why I’m watching the flamingo. Even if it wasn’t Wanda Sykes herself, somebody’s been taking our flamingo, and I'm going to find out who.

“You’d laugh at me. You would’ve told me that I don’t even like the flamingo, and I’d’ve said that doesn’t mean I’m going to let just anybody steal it. I’d have said we voted, and you’d have told me that I shouldn’t act like I was above stealing flamingos if the tables were turned.

“How’d you get to be so smart, huh?

“Anyway. I bet nothing’s going to happen here for a while. They wouldn’t steal it right away. I’ll call you back if I see anything.

“Alexa, end call.”

* * *

“Holy shit! It’s happening! I mean-- Alexa, call Andy. I can’t believe this, it’s--”

“Hello?”

“Oh, uh, Rachel?”

“Nick? Are you ok?”

“Yeah… Sorry. I’m just watching an alligator eat a plastic flamingo.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Sorry, I wouldn’t have called if I thought somebody was going to answer. Christ it’s the middle of the night.”

“It’s ok.”

“I didn’t know you even kept his phone charged.”

“Sometimes. I like to hear his voicemail message.”

“Sure... I call sometimes, to talk to him.”

“So how is he?”

“T-tonight? He’s doing great. Never been better. I think he's happy.”

“I think so too.”

“How, how are the kids?”

“They’re perfect. They’re sad, but they’re perfect.”

“Yeah, I think so too… Sorry I woke you up.”

“I wasn’t asleep… Did you say an alligator was eating a flamingo?”

“You won’t believe it! It’s a helluva funny story.”