Three Minutes

The kids burst into the house like a tornado, racing to the pantry for their afternoon snacks. The twins immediately grab at each other’s shirts, each trying to yank the other out of the way to get their snack first. I drop the heavy grocery bag on the counter and gulp down a glass of water, the cold liquid slicing through my parched throat. We overbooked the day again, and the kids are all overdue for their afternoon naps, but of course they all fell asleep in the car. That’s a death sentence for the twins’ nap, and they are practically vibrating right now, but at least the baby is still asleep in his carrier. I hope I can transfer him to his crib. Really hoping. He’s been teething and the nights have been brutal. God I won’t miss this phase…..

Crying breaks my train of thought. Vinny, tears streaming down his cheeks with one hand holding his hip, has a look of pure vengeance on his face. His other hand is drawn up ready to sucker punch his brother. “Heeeeeyooo” I say as I step between the brothers, full on ready to brawl. “No need to get violent. I know you’re both hungry. Let’s see what we got….. How about some yogurt and a granola bar?” Snacks in hand and the tv turned on to Bluey, I finally have a chance to put the groceries away.

The baby starts stirring. Ugh. “Ok. Let’s get you to bed, I say as I pull Tommy out of his carrier while checking his diaper all in one swift move. Good, you’re dry. One less thing to do that might wake you up fully, I think to myself. Shushing my way down the hallway. My back aches, a dull, constant throb that never seemed to leave. I get the baby back to sleep pretty quickly. His poor eyes, still puffy from another sleepless night. Please stay asleep.

Dropping the blinds and switching on the sound machine, I gently place my youngest down on to his crib, the soft sound of waves lulling him back to sleep. I rub his belly softly, comforting him back to sleep and then tip toe out of the room, closing the door silently. Just for a moment, I lean on the door frame, sighing away the exhaustion, while rubbing the tension out of my neck.

Back in the kitchen, I finally get my groceries unpacked while the twins watch their show. The small box sitting on the island, waiting to be picked up. A baby commercial flashes across the tv causing my stomach to wince.

“Boys, mommy needs a bathroom break. Can you both sit nicely and finish your snack?” I say, my voice thick with exhaustion. The bathroom, usually a disaster zone, is a temporary sanctuary.

I snatch the box up, and marched into the bathroom. Shutting the door, I lean on the counter, my hand gripping the granite. I take a deep breath, hoping to calm my nerves. I’m only 5 days late, and my period just came back last month. I’m sure the hormones are making my cycle goofy.

Pulling the box open, I push the instructions aside and rip open the foil container. I pee on the stick and set it on the counter, setting the time for three minutes.

Now we wait….

What comes up if it’s positive? Glancing at the box. Oh easy, just + or-. I can figure that out. Is it three minutes yet? Oh only 30 seconds. Shit, it feels like forever. I should listen for the kids. That show was half over.

Peeking down the hall, I could see the twins were staring intently at the screen. Good, I have a few minutes. I can’t leave those two alone for more than five minutes. I can’t wait till when I can trust they won't tear the place apart. Ugh, what if it’s positive? Tommy is only six months old, I feel like I’m not even fully recovered. Christ, the twins just turned three! I’d have four kids under four! How will that even work? FUUUCK!!!!

How will we afford it? Harold was worried last night that he thought he heard someone say they wanted to cut back the office. What if he loses his job? Oh god, I’m going to have to tell him. Will he freak out? Will he get mad? We’ve been so overwhelmed with three, we hadn’t even talked about if we wanted more.

I hope he won’t be mad. Things weren’t great after I found out about Tommy. The twins weren't even two yet, and I was just so exhausted. I would need help.

How much time is left? two minutes.

I was going to go back to work once the twins started preschool. Mom already said she’d watch Tommy and get the boys for the afternoon so I could go back to work. I miss work. Would she be able to handle a newborn too? Although I guess Tommy will be over a year by then. Will he be walking by then or will I have two kids to carry around? My back hurts already from carrying Tommy. Although I guess I’m already used to carrying around two kids at a time.

What if it is a girl? Oh… I’ve always wanted a girl. I was fine that Tommy was a boy. I’m used to boys. They are familiar. I love him so much, just the way he is.

.

But a girl…

How much time is left? one minute.

A girl would be fun! I’m overrun in this house with all these boys. It would be nice having another girl in the house.

Ohhh… She would love a pink bedroom. With a pink satin quilt on her bed. Just like me. She will have a stuffed bunny, and a teddy bear. And dolls. So many dolls.

I close my eyes.

She will be loved by her brothers. They will adore her. She will ride her bike and love tea parties. Just like me. And books. I think I have my old books in mom’s attic. I think that bedspread is up there too.

I remember the tea parties I had with my mom. We always invited the bunny and the bear. I loved mom so much. I miss her. I bet my daughter would look just like her. And just like me. She will love the Little House on the Prairie books and the Anne of Green Gables shows. My favorite. I should find those tapds. I think I still have them.

How much time is left? Oh it’s done.

I pick up the test and look at it. My hands are trembling slightly.

I stare at it.

-

Oh. I guess I’m not pregnant.

I drop the stick in the basket along with the box.

I wash my hands.

And shut the door as I walk away.