Until Then

Dear [redacted],

It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s just that it’s hard to say goodbye. In many instances, I have wondered what the point of making new relationships was when they are just going to fade away in the end. I’m not much of a social person, but when it came to you, I felt comfortable around you and was happy to talk with you. When I was a junior, you were a senior, so I knew our times would be short-lived. However, that wasn’t in my head at the time, as I just wanted to spend time with you. I showed you my artworks and you told me that I was a great artist. Then I showed you some of my poems, and you liked them.

I have always found solace in writing since words can be so powerful. I have written numerous poems, most of which were repetitive, but I would often express myself in words. I have kept a journal since middle school, and I would write about my day-to-day life. Whether I was happy or sad, I would write in my journal. However, as the years passed, I would only write my depressing thoughts.

Saying goodbye to you was hard. Not because it meant our moments together would be over, but it meant that I may never see you again. I can handle walking around and strolling through streets, pondering life. Yet it can be so dull and boring. I am afraid to expose myself out there because it means I’ll confront obstacles. I know life is not meant to be easy. Life is meant to have pain. It’s disturbing to feel the pain that you can’t quite comprehend, but you just have to let it pass, hoping it heals on its own. Life has been at a standstill for me. Summer is boring so far.

I don’t want to wish for a certain day to come because disappointment will ensue. I’ll probably regret ever lying in stasis, wanting fall to arrive. When I will most certainly harbor the same feelings and attitude on that certain day. I am afraid, do believe me. On most days, I wonder if I’m going to handle being by myself. I have parents who love me and a sister who talks with me a lot. But I often look out the window in my room and feel alone in the world. As if I were the last man on earth.

I wish I weren’t such a deep thinker. Because you are too ingrained in your own thoughts that the silence it leaves you with is indelible. I want to be those people who just live in the moment and who are carefree. Those who are rowdy and act all ‘immature’ with their friends. In my past life, I would judge them harshly, but would end up alone. Alone in the dark car, feeling lonely and depressed. It’s hard to change into a new, complete person. It’s easier said than done. You think that to change, it would be to change your outfit or the way you talk. But this change is a gradual and invisible change. Maybe you’ll go to a friend’s house and notice how they seem to be happier than usual. It may seem abrupt the way they changed so suddenly. You then realize how much effort it takes for somebody to change themselves.

There was a time when I was in my history class when I heard Mr. Bravo telling us how we thought life was good when we were kids, because we were not aware of what was happening around us. It did get me thinking that it is true. As I grow older, I begin to become more aware of what is happening around. Sometimes it has led me to erupt in tears and sorrow.

So I hope you are doing well out there in Berkeley. Hope your dreams of becoming a businessman come true, and I wish nothing but the best for you as I always have. If you ever feel a slight doubt, remember that there are people who support you. Know that we all lead lives at different paces, and it's not a race. In cases, we may feel as though we are getting nowhere. It may take years for even the smallest outcome to happen. We may feel uncertain about what the future will hold for us. Know that we will never know the true outcome of our circumstances, so we just have to let it be, because we wouldn’t want our anxieties to rob our joy.

Even though summer has become dull and boring for me, I still appreciate waking up the next day without the expectation of walking to school. I am going to become a senior soon, which scares me, [redacted]. Your graduation recently has really shown me how time flies by so fast. I was happy seeing you walking to get your diploma. When the graduation was over, I walked over to the field to say goodbye to you, but I didn’t see you. I asked people where you were, but they didn’t know. I eventually did see you talking to some friends. I went up to you and we hugged. You almost cried, and I did too. You told me to keep working diligently in my senior year, and then I told you to keep on persevering during your college experience. Then we parted with our last goodbye. The walk home was quite deafening because the school was shrouded in darkness, and I passed by the familiar classrooms and benches. It struck me how, after graduation is over, I’ll walk here again for the last time. I’ll no longer walk home anymore nor have to sit in those same classrooms anymore. I am nervous about how college will be.

The reason I wanted to write to you was to alleviate the loneliness. I was crying a bit after your graduation, but now I feel better. I hope you don’t feel uncomfortable learning this. I know we’ll see each other again, even if it may not come true.

I will always remember you. When fall arrives, I will feel relieved because the breeze will come, and I will still get to see the beautiful sunsets. You have impacted me greatly, so I thank you. Hope everything goes well for you, [redacted].

Yours truly,

[redacted]