FOREVER LOVE

I see you. Do you see me? I see you in my dreams. I see you in my nightmares. I see you everywhere I go. Your deep blue eyes. Your thick dark wavy hair. Your smile. I can't stop thinking about you.

My feelings are a jumble mess. I can't figure out my feelings. I'm confused. I'm so confused. Why am I confused? I should tell you how I feel. I shouldn't be scared yet here I am running away from you, from my feelings.

Best friend is what you call me. But I want to be more than best friends. I want you to touch me. I want to touch you. I want to feel you all over my body. I want to kiss you. I want you to kiss me. I want to know how it feels to love you and you to love me.

Courage, strength is what I need to tell you my feelings. What is courage? What is strength? Do I really have courage and strength? Sometimes I laugh at the woman I've become. Outspoken is what I used to be. Whenever I'm around him, I'm tongue-tied, scared. You name it that's what I am.

James, handsome, stunning, attractive, charming, charismatic, irresistible, sexy. Women fall at his feet to be with him. Blondes, brunettes, red heads. Women as fake as their bodies, as fake as their personality run, screaming his name. These fake women, fake smile, batting their eyes at him.

They are not for you James. They want your attention. They want to be seen on your arm because you are handsome and can give these fake ass women all the things they desire.

I desire your love or at least I think I do. I can't compete with these women. Best friend is what I am to James. He sees me as the girl next door, as a tom-boy. Not like the women who are constantly around him.

"See me." I say but only in my head. Not out loud. I don't want James to laugh at me. I want him to finally notice me, not as his friend but as something more. How will I get pass these women who think they belong with James? They see me as insignificant, a nobody.

Strangers these women are. One after another they flow out of James house. Beautiful is that what you call these women who show everything to get into a man's bed. Jealous is that what I am because I dream to be one of the women who's been with James.

I'm not fake. I'm as real as they come. Everything about me is real expect for the truth. The truth is not real to me. James is real to me. What about my feelings? Are they real to me?

Jealousy is real to me because that's what I'm feeling right now. Looking out the window, I'm once again seeing women coming out of James house. I'm jealous of these women. I hate that James likes women who are fake.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see the women James likes, I can't compete nor compare with them. I'm just plain old Samantha. Samantha who is a nobody. I'm smaller in size than these women. James doesn't like that. Tears are falling down my face.

So many feelings are running within me. Jealousy, despair, love, hope, scared. How do I begin to figure this out? Everything I'm feeling is out of whack, that is just not me. I know myself, the person I am. I mean I think I know who I am. Why am I doing this to myself? All because of James.

I feel jealous when I see the women who are with James. I feel despair because James will only see me as his friend. I feel love because I love James. I fell hope, hope that one day James will see me then just his friend. I feel scared, scared that James will laugh at me.

So many feelings. I don't know how to sort them out. Changing who I am, changing my appearance is not going to help. I will not look like myself. I will look fake. That's not who I am.

James is looking at me. He smiles and waves at me. I wave back. James is walking to my house. I go out and meet him halfway. I say hi to James. He says hi back. We begin to talk. No more than a few seconds into our conversation, the fake blonde comes running to James. She kisses James on the lips.

I run back to my home crying. I was so close to telling James my feelings. James keeps calling my name. I don't turn around. Tears are flowing down my face. I can't control my feelings. It hurts too much.

Why does loving James hurt? It hurts being James friend. Why don't I have clarity on my feelings for James? He lives next door to me. He's my friend. I used to be able to talk to him about anything. But the closer we became as friends the more my feelings for James grew.

James keeps trying to call. I don't answer. He sent me a text more than once apologizing for what happened earlier. His words seem sincere. I don't know what to make of it. James wants to talk to me. I don't know if I want to talk to him. Another message comes in.

"Samantha, please talk to me. Again, I'm so sorry for what Brandy did. She shouldn't have done that. I hurt you. I hurt you for so long. I never knew how to tell you the truth. Please talk to me."

I grab my photo album. Maybe looking at the pictures of me and James during happier times will help me get clarity on my true feelings for James.

I look at all the photos me and James took together. Me and James are always smiling, hugging each other and looking into each other's eyes. My eyes and heart are starting to open up. Now with James message I'm beginning to understand everything.

I've been feeling so many things despair, jealousy, love, hope, scared for so long that I didn't know how to control it. But now I understand why James hid his feelings from me. He didn't want to ruin our friendship. One thing I will never understand is all the women he's been with.

After the message James left me, I know I have to stop being scared. Today is the day when I tell James the truth. My feelings have reached a whole new level. No more feeling Jealous or despair or scared. It's time for me to feel loved and hope and happy.