Master Plan

This is once in a lifetime.   Everyone has their cameras or phone cameras.  Some scared, went in underground shelters.   Wimps.  Some went to church.   But, along with the armed forces, we were here to witness history or herstory, depending on what happens.  So many predictions.  Bombings, viruses, anything.  Anything can happen.  But, they come and the armed forces are here.  And nothing happens.   Their ship sits there.  

     Then, these tiny tubes come out of their ship, if it is a ship and we see what I’d call a vacuum or magnet or it attracts things, but they don’t seem important.   The President of the United States gives an announcement over a system.  “Welcome to planet Earth, I am President ____   We’d like to know if you and your planet are here for peaceful means or warfare please?”   There’s a pregnant pause.  The sucking gets stronger, louder, weirder.   Ants,  butterflies, bees, gnats and other critters get sucked in.   “What are your objectives on Planet Earth?”   Mosquitoes get sucked in, army ants.  Good riddens to all of them and other critters.  Bye bye.  More insects get sucked in.  What?   They don’t have enough pests on their planet?   “What do you want on our planet?”   More sucking.   What?   They want to anally probe our insect population?   Doesn’t make . . . Clouds of insects look like fog in London, but blacker.  Imagine every insect going into a vacuum?   What’ll the pest control companies do now, right?   “What do you want?”   The ship sits remote, sucking.   But, there’s protests and celebrations, but it seems anticlimactic.  Bugs.  They want bugs.  All the bugs.   Hell, they can have ‘em.   After a month of negotiations from all kinds of government weirdos and linguists, the sucking stops, and the ship levitates and leaves.  Satellites and telescopes watch it leave, news reporters are everywhere filming, but it’s over.   The great bug abduction.   Late night comedians have a field day.  Come back to my house any time alien friends.  

      So, pest company presidents scratch their heads, but they realize the rats, raccoon and big pests are still there and need to be killed, so they’ll be ok.   Why would aliens want bugs?   Then, shit starts happening or stops happening, but slow.  Fuck or rather no fucking.   It’s complicated.  

     See, the way plants fuck is pollination.  Like the pollen from one plant is brought into the egg of another plant.   Plant fucking, but plants fuck through insects.   Like an insect’ll get pollen from one plant and fly it to another.  But, with the help of science, this shouldn’t be a big deal.   We’ll just have to use mechanical insects or Q-tips, or something.   Then, shit starts going bad.   See, things like bats, aardvarks, even people in poor countries eat insects.   But, with no insects, these beings go hungry, since that’s all their systems can eat.   So, after a few months, they die of starvation.   Then, the animals that eat the animals that eat insects start starving and the animals that eat the animals that eat the animals that eat insects start dying of starvation.  Environmentalists seem to care, but no one else does until the chickens, cows, pigs, and other animals start dying out and even with artificial pollination, it feels like it’s too late.  Within a year, the planet Earth is looking like all the other planets in our solar system:   Dead of life.   So, that was the master plan:   Kill the ecological system of Mother Earth.   Damn.   Who ever thought us humans would miss mosquitoes?  

*

      But, after everything and everyone was dead, they came back.  They landed and no one greeted them, as expected.  The aliens waited 72 hours in Earth time to be sure, but nothing but bacteria and viruses survived.   They’d stolen the cockroaches.   So, the “aliens” put the vacuums in reverse blowing insects out like a child blowing bubbles.   Bursts of breeds.   Flies, gnats, you name it.   Then, our foreign neighbors brought beginning seedlings from their planet, and put them on Earth, or TRST as they called it, and they sort of flourished.   See, the foreigners couldn’t comprehend English, Spanish, or any human language and couldn’t read the Bible or the Farmer’s almanac and agriculture on their planet, Auququa, was different.   There are five stars near their planet and two moons and all these orbiting entities cause nutrients from three soil to be near the surface every year, whereas on Earth, the soil must be plowed and, as stated in many religious books, be rested after seven years, but our neighbors thought the insects would take care of all that.  

     So, as expected, the first few years went well.   Foreign plants grew on native soil.   Strong plants out rooted weak ones, as evolution dictates, but when everything died, so did the forests, including the rain forests.   So, oxygen was a scarce commodity.   But, the aliens breathed nitrogen and had no need for O2 or CO2, but, soiled alien plants do.  Think of it like a genetic hybrid and half the hybrid needs O2, but they don’t know that.  

    So, the insects are happy, eat and spread the pollen, but there were also different plants on Earth before the forced Bug Armageddon.  There were annuals, deciduous, and perennials, but they didn’t understand that.  Nor did they understand different plants only grow in certain regions, like palm trees will die in Ohio.   

     So, the plants died and, despite the alien’s several attempts to feed the insects, the insects died, and only the viruses, bacteria, and aliens remained.   But, the aliens had a parliamentary thing and decided they’d have to find some other idiots to steal insects from, because no one missed or cares about insects, until they’re gone.  

      So, they flew away on their metal (best human word to describe it) spacecraft and they found planets with some water, sun, and bacteria and viruses, but none other with plants, insects, and ecosystems, at least not after one year.  Back to the insect board.  

Epilogue:

The whole point of this stupid story is sometimes we think of ourselves and/or others (including insects) as unnecessary Not of any value.  But, without us, Earth wouldn’t be the same.  So, things change, like they always do, but without bugs bugging us, we’d all be extinct anyway.  And how much would it affect bugs if we were extinct, versus how much would it affect us if bugs were extinct.  Blue collar or white collar, we all matter.  You matter.   I matter and the bug on your PC you’re about to squash matters.  It matters, right?