Remind Me

“Hey, remind me, are we still in love?” Caroline asked, taking the empty seat next to Sawyer at the Redwind’s bar. 

Sawyer guffawed at this, taking a long swig from his glass of fire whiskey. He set it down hard on the oak-wood bar as he swiveled in his chair to face Caroline. “Were we ever? That is, in love? As far as I recall it, we hooked up a few times during spring break of ‘85. And if my memory isn’t fogged, you were the one who told me to leave. So, I don’t know Caroline, are we still in love? Or are you stuck in a college fantasyland?”

They had found each other in this bar by happenstance. Caroline was out for a night on the town, completely alone, and recently divorced. Sawyer was drinking his loneliness away, his job feeling more like a judge’s sentence than a job lately. Caroline spotted Sawyer, a very old but very much missed flame, from across the room, and she decided to approach him. She was greatly regretting this decision now. 

Caroline smiled in an almost flirtatious, but mostly mocking manner. “Wow, that was a bit defensive, but I suppose I deserve it. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Fifteen years, actually.” Sawyer leaned against his elbow as he propped in on the table, his hand fidgeting with the scruff on his chin. 

“My goodness, it has? No wonder so much has happened. Although, you haven’t aged a day. If you’ll give me even a few precious minutes of your time, I’d love to know what you’ve been up to.”

Sawyer ran a confused, defeated hand through his thinning hair. “What’s this all about, Carrie? How’d you find me here?”

“I see you’re not currently fond of answering questions, and neither am I. So, I’ll go first, and answer my own question. Counterintuitive, maybe. But productive? Yes. Shortly after graduating I moved out to California to pursue my mother’s dream of me being a nurse. I hated nursing and quickly fell in love with an anesthesiologist named Steve. We married, and I learned how to hide bruises with makeup. We divorced in ‘98, no children, thankfully, and I moved back out here. I’ve been spending the last two years catching up with old friends, saving up my money for a Toyota Camry, and waiting for the world to end at the turn of the century. It didn’t, unfortunately. But it might as well have, since nearly three months later I find myself sitting here next to you.” 

Sawyer, a little shocked at this intense recounting of events, took another swig of whiskey to hide his face. He was processing what the dame had just told him. He was enraged that anyone had ever had the nerve to hit her, and embarrassed to acknowledge the twinge of jealousy he felt knowing she had been married. Most of all, he realized that she hadn’t changed at all from the quick-witted girl he once knew. “That’s quite a story.”

“Life is usually a lot to take in.”

He nodded and decided to give her something in reciprocation. “Well, I never left this old town. I started to work in construction, but that was never my deal. I spent some time in the rodeo until a back injury ruined that career for me. I spent over a year in recovery, and then joined a small landscaping company. I’ve been working for it for about a year and a half now, and it’s draining as all hell. I spend most of my nights here.” 

Caroline looked at him with genuine sympathy, but also something else he couldn’t make out. “I’m really sorry, Sawyer. That sounds awful. You’ve spent all this time focusing on work, what about your relationships? How’s your papa?” 

“Papa’s doing just fine. He’s enjoying his retirement, and focusing on the grandkids Jackson has blessed him with. I love those kids to death. They’re pretty much the only relationships I care about nowadays. I’ve had the occasional hookup here and there, but nothing ever stuck. Come to think of it, the longest entanglement I’ve ever had was you.” He looked over at Caroline.

Caroline blushed a little and nodded. “Follow me outside?” She offered with a cautious and questioning smile on her face. 

“Sure.” Sawyer stood up and grabbed his brown leather jacket, swinging it over his shoulders and onto his torso before following Carline to the door. He opened it for her and held it.

Now outside in the early evening, they gazed at the deep blue sky as they stood on the sidewalk in silence. The sun had just barely set. It was too late to have seen it, but not too late to realize it was still within visual grasp at the very edge of the horizon. 

Caroline turned to face him and finally spoke up. “Listen, Sawyer. I’ve missed you. I know I said I never wanted to see you again. I know I told you to get lost, and I meant it when I said it. But somehow, I’ve become desperate, Sawyer. I didn’t realize how good I had it until it was gone. We never fought, except for that one time at the very end. Now I lose myself and wind up searching for you in every person I meet. I’ve spent fifteen years chasing cursory glances in a supermarket aisle. Look me in the eyes, and tell me we were more than just a “spring thing”. That I wasn’t a mistake. That you lied when you said you never loved me. Because trust me, Sawyer, I spent too long in a loveless marriage not to know love when I see it.”

Sawyer looked into her, not at her, for a long moment. The distance between them dissipated in that moment of raw honesty, and Sawyer hung his head in defeat. “Caroline, I’m sorry. You, we weren’t just a spring thing. I loved you from the moment I saw you. Our days and nights were movie-quality special. You are the most beautiful, courageous, witty, loving woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. But, Caroline, I didn’t know what love was. My mama left me as a little boy, you know that. I told you that night on the roof as the sunset beneath us. I didn’t know what love was at all, much less love from a woman, even a woman as perfect as you.”

Caroline stared up at him, her cheeks growing wet. Her guard was lost as she shifted on her feet. “You’re right, I do know that. But you also know that my daddy died when I was only fourteen, I told you that that very same night on the roof. That didn’t stop me from saying I love you. Love can be painful, love can be hard, but that doesn't mean it isn't love. Beating your wife isn't love, but losing your mom or your dad and choosing to love someone anyways even though it's scary and painful is the love we had,”

Sawyer shook his head. “Trauma like that can’t be compared, sugar. We handled it differently. We didn't feel things the same way.”

“I know that. That’s why you never said it back. I understand now, but back then, I-”

“Told me to leave.” Sawyer sighed. “You know what, Caroline? I thought I had lost the ability to love a long time ago. When I fell for you, it scared me. So I ran.”

Caroline was tentative, her heart still scarred from his knife. “For fifteen years?”

“Yes, for fifteen years. Now I know that was foolish of me. I never should’ve left your side Caroline. I thought I’d lost you.” He brushed her hair behind her ear with a tender graze of his fingertips, letting his palm rest against her. 

“You did. But you found me again.” Caroline spoke softly, eyes low, blushing at the feeling of his hand on her cheek. 

“You’re right,” Sawyer smiled, eyes nearly welling with tears, “I found you.”