Bury Our Secret

Trigger warning ⚠️ Mental Health

Hey Mama,

I know it’s been a while and you’re probably wondering what I’ve been doing with my time or why I haven’t been around much, but then again, you have a bird's eye view of everything now, so you probably already know. Hopefully you’re not too disappointed, maybe you could even understand what’s been going through my mind. If not, this letter should provide some clarity on these last few months for me. 

You’ve never been one to judge, but before I continue with my life choices, I wanted to talk to you first.

You know, Mama, ever since the car crash, so many lives have been turned upside down. My own life, the life you tried so desperately to protect. I've been trapped in my own mind and this unmotivated body, unable to move forward, even though I know that's what you wanted for me.

Some could argue that you gave me a valuable gift and a second chance at life, but I'm sorry, Mama, I can’t help but have a different perspective. The memory of the car crash won’t let me rest. The family I collided with in the crash follow me into my dreams residing in the deepest parts of my subconscious. They had a nine-year-old girl in the backseat, trapped and injured. 

She'll be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life, Mama. Meanwhile, I can walk freely without a scratch, even though I don't deserve that mercy. It pains me to talk about it, not that I need to remind you, you already know all the details. It’s far from my intention to sound ungrateful—I could never repay you for what you've done for me. I know you did it to protect me, but if you had known then what we know now, would you have still gone ahead with our secret? Would it have made sense for us to carry on with this lie?

Because, Mama, it no longer makes sense to me. You raised me to always do the right thing, no matter what, and that's deeply ingrained in me. So much so that, it haunts me every day. 

Everyone in town blames you for the crash just like you wanted, saying things like how could she not have been paying attention and that you deserved what you got in the end. I hate them all for judging you, if they knew what I know, I’m sure they would hate themselves to for all the gossip they’ve spread about. But can I really blame them when they don't even know the truth?

I'm not a coward, Mama, or at least I don’t want to be, but I also don't want to let you down or betray you. So, what am I supposed to do? If I tell them the truth, everything you did would be in vain. I'll probably end up in jail for the rest of my life, suffocating under the guilt for the family I destroyed and for breaking my promise to you by not keeping our secret. You suffered so greatly for me to keep it. Would I just be making matters worse, or would it be okay because at least there would be justice for everyone involved?

On the other hand, if I keep our secret, I may be able to live out my life and do a few good things in remembrance of you. But the guilt of what I did, Mama, all the damage I caused, it will torture me every single day until I get to see you again. I swear it will because it already is.

There's no solution, at least not one that I can find. Maybe if we had gotten you checked after the crash, things might have been different. We were so foolish to think everything would be okay, like karma wouldn't balance all of it out. If only you had gone to the hospital, you might still be here to guide me on what my next best step would be. As I’ve been trying to put the pieces together, it still seems surreal that all it took was a blood clot to change everything. A blood clot that could've been prevented from getting worse. Obviously, the crash changed our lives forever, but the blood-clot set everything in stone. 

There is no going back now.

I'm not strong enough to bear this burden, Mama. I'm not like you. If you were still here with me, maybe I could find the strength to keep going. But without you, I'm utterly lost. Honestly, Mama, if I could turn back time, I would have stayed in the driver's seat. I would have never traded places with you. I will always appreciate what you tried to do, but the guilt and the lies are tearing my soul apart, Mama. It's my fault that little girl is in a wheelchair and I’m responsible for your death. How do you expect me to let everyone believe it was your fault when all you were doing was trying to keep me safe. I love you too much to let them believe that.

I've been going back and forth these months, Mama. I made a promise, but if I want to honor the woman you raised me to be, I must tell someone. The family deserves to know the truth, don't they? I’m unable to tell anymore if I would be helping or causing more damage. Every time I think I've decided about what to do, something convinces me to stay silent.

It may sound crazy, but there are times when I think maybe it's for the best to live my life the way you wanted, to make you happy, while also carrying this secret, letting karma do its work torturing me in private, so that my mental stability slowly declines. Your daughter doesn’t deserve peace, Mama.

Either way, suffering seems to be the only outcome produced from this unforgivable tragedy.

I hope this makes sense and gives you an understanding, so that when we meet again, you won't be too disappointed with my final decision. I plan to bury this letter under your burial plot, hopefully my truth might reach you sooner than I do.

I love you, Mama.

Your Daughter,

Lisa