Passing Trains

Beep beep beep

I open one eye just enough to hit “snooze” on my phone before falling back asleep, hoping that I could stay in my dream. I was sitting on fluffy green grass while elevator music played around me. Sitting across from me was Thayer, the boy with the beautiful hazel eyes, the boy I had loved for a decade, the boy who broke my heart. It’s pathetic how often I still dream about him, sometimes I feel like my brain is trying to sabotage me. Even though we are only sitting a few feet away from each other I can’t hear what he is saying, I try to move closer but the grass between us caves in, leaving a crater going for miles in either direction. I can still see his mouth moving but no sound is coming out. He’s motioning for me to look behind me, I start to turn around-

Beep beep beep

I can afford one snooze but that’s it, I'll have to let this dream go. I hit stop and ponder for a moment what the meaning behind it could be. Maybe the crater signified the distance that had been growing between Thayer and I since october. He had moved away from the city where we had both grown up for a curator position at the Chicago History Museum, a dream job for him. He didn’t even ask me to come with him, he said that it would be “best for the both of us” if we made a clean break. I proceeded to block him on every form of social media, although I left his email alone. Every single holiday I would get an e-card from him, always signed with “Best wishes, Thayer”. I haven’t responded to any of these. I stopped opening them after a couple of months, but every time I saw his name in my inbox I felt a new wave of heartache wash over me. I know he’s just being nice and it doesn’t mean anything more. I snap out of the Thayer haze, I’m already running behind after this trip down memory lane.

I rush through my skincare routine and grab the outfit I wore to dinner last night, a romper and sandals. Maybe a little nicer than my normal work outfits but I’m really running late now and don’t have time to change.

I look at my clock, 8:09. Once my front door is locked I am running full speed toward the station, almost knocking down a few pedestrians on my way. I get to the platform, sweaty and panting, just in time to watch the train take off. I catch a glimpse of a passenger who looks like Thayer and shake my head, I have got to get him off my mind. By the time the next train arrives my breathing has returned to normal. Of course I didn’t have time to make a drink to bring with me today so I will have to grab one before heading into work.

My mood is instantly brightened when I walk into my favorite cafe near work and see that Carly is behind the register.

“Hi honey!”

Her nickname for me, because of how I order my tea; extra, extra honey. I’ve been coming to this cafe for almost two years now, since I started working downtown. Carly and I always share some friendly, flirty, banter. She grew up around here also so we have some mutual friends and sometimes we bump into each other when we’re at the bars or getting brunch. Carly is the only crush that I have had since Thayer but I’ve never had the confidence to ask her out, even though I think that she might possibly have a tiny crush on me as well.

“My queen of caffeine” I say as I walk to the counter, giving her a little bow.

“You look great today, Elle.”

I can feel myself blushing and laugh off the compliment “I was running late today so I just threw something on, I’m sure I look like a mess.”

“Not at all, you could never look like a mess.”

That was definitely flirting, right?

“Is this a matcha morning? Or do you maybe want to try something from the new menu?”

“Hmm, how about you surprise me?” I give her what is hopefully a flirty grin. 

“Coming right up”

I pay for my mystery drink and step away from the counter to wait, trying to not be too obvious as I watch her. 

“Brown sugar iced latte for Elle” she calls after a couple minutes.

I take a sip and my eyes widen, “Wow. This is delicious, Carly”.

“I thought you would like it” she smiles and puts a brown bag on the counter “I also wanted to give you a muffin, on the house.”

I peek inside, banana walnut! My favorite. “This is so sweet, I’ll have to pay you back somehow”.

“Well… I’m actually about to go on my break, I was hoping that I could walk you to work? And maybe steal a bite of that muffin.”

I can’t tell if my stomach is grumbling because of the smell from the warm muffin or because of all the butterflies flying around in there. “I would love that.”

I check the time while she clocks out, I’m already ten minutes late. I might as well make it fifteen, and this is so worth being late for.

We share the muffin as we walk down the street, our hands brushing together. I’m thinking about how great this morning has turned out to be and I miss something that Carly says, “I’m sorry what was that?”

She chuckles “You’ve just been quiet for a minute, I wanted to know what was on your mind.”

I went for it and took her hand in mine, she squeezed back and smiled. 

“I’m just really glad that I hit snooze today.”

Beep beep beep

Vague remnants of my dream float through my mind; the sound of jazz music, sitting on soft green grass. I can’t put the pieces together and it slips away from me completely. I let out a groan as I roll over, resisting the urge to hit the snooze button on my phone. I set my alarm a few minutes early for this morning so that I could make my matcha to bring with me to work. I’ve been trying to be more mindful about my spending and that trip to the cafe every morning really adds up, although the opportunity to flirt with my favorite barista usually makes it worth the overpriced drinks. Shuddering as I peel back my blankets I sit up and carefully step into my fluffy slippers, not daring to let my bare feet touch the ice cold floor. After setting up my water to boil, I rifle through my closet for today’s outfit. It’s been unseasonably warm for april, plus it’s casual friday at the office. Keeping this in mind, I land on a pair of denim shorts and a raggedy “Life is good” shirt that I’ve had since high school. Luckily as an assistant hardly anyone notices my presence at all, never mind my outfit choices. 

Twenty minutes later I’m walking out the front door, matcha in hand. It’s looking like I’m even going to make it to the 8:13 train with time to spare, a rare occurrence. As I walk down the block I remember the other reason that I choose to go to the cafe next to work instead of making my own drinks; I despise having to carry my coffee tumblr around with me during my morning commute. Holding the handle tightly, I make my way down the dark, and somehow always slightly damp, stairwell of the train station. I get to the platform with 4 minutes to spare and take this moment to sip on my drink and pick out a podcast for the ride. I glance at the smattering of other people waiting for the train and I see a head of familiar curly brown hair. The train arrives at that moment and I lose sight of him as I board, sliding into a prime window seat. It’s a surprisingly slow morning, I might get this row to myself the whole ride to work. I settle in and start listening to a show about herbology..herbalism..something about herbs. The host is talking about something called “borage” when I feel a knee knock into mine. I jump in my seat and then again when I turn and see who the stranger sitting next to me is. “Thayer?” I ask incredulously. 

I search his face, that face that has been visiting me in my dreams for months, making sure that my mind isn’t playing tricks on me.

“Hi Elle”. I would recognize that voice blindfolded.

He explains that he’s in town for his parents 30th wedding anniversary, he’s going downtown now to pick up his mom’s favorite wine for the party.

“Oh how sweet, you’ll have to tell them I say hello” I say, trying to remain pleasant despite the tornado of emotions that I am feeling.

“What would you think about coming to dinner with us tomorrow night and telling them yourself?” Thayer asks with hopeful eyes.

Now I am flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, but are you really trying to casually invite me to a family dinner after dumping me and moving to a whole other state? I haven’t seen or talked to you in months!”

He winces, “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry Elle, I just got so excited when I saw you that I couldn’t help myself. I hope you know that I’ve texted you about a hundred times. I’ve tried to message you on instagram, on facebook, I’ve even been sending you emails. I guess you haven’t seen any of them.”

I had no idea that he had been trying so hard to get in contact with me, remembering the emails that I hadn’t read. Maybe I could go to just one dinner. I did really miss his family, and maybe I had missed him a little bit as well. 

“I’m sorry for snapping” I said sheepishly “Bumping into you has really caught me off guard. I would love to see your parents, are your sisters going to be there too?”

As I watch Thayer’s face light up, all of my feelings for him that I had been trying to forget started to bubble up again. I lose track of time as we continue catching up and setting plans for the next night. He says that he’s been considering moving back, Chicago isn’t for him. I try not to show how ecstatic that makes me. When I hear my stop being announced I have to force myself to stand up and I feel like I’m being ripped out of a dream. We share an awkward goodbye hug where for a moment I think he might kiss me, but maybe that was just my imagination. My mind spins as I walk out of the station onto the sunshine covered sidewalk, my heart is still pounding and all sound around me has turned into one loud hum. It takes me a minute to notice the faint sound of my name being called. 

“Elle! Elle!”

I turn to see Thayer jogging towards me, my coffee tumbler in hand. I slap my hand to my forehead, embarrassed. “I swear I would lose my head if it wasn’t attached to me.”

“Don’t worry about it” he comes closer and gently touches my chin “Honestly I’m just grateful for the excuse to redo our goodbye” 

I lift my head up towards him and his lips touch mine.

“Wow” I stand there stunned. The love of my life who I thought I had lost forever is kissing me in the middle of the street. The sun is shining and people are laughing and I swear I hear birds chirping. I subtly pinch myself to make sure that I'm not dreaming and I feel the sting on my arm.

I can see Thayer’s face start to worry as I don’t say anything more, “What are you thinking?” he asks me gently.

I let out a laugh and say “I’m just really glad that I didn’t hit snooze today”.