Worth The Wait

“Slow. Steady. Breathe in and out. You can do this. I believe in you. Slowly, breathe. Yes. That’s it, darling. Close your eyes and just breathe. Listen only to my voice. We’ll keep on waiting. Just breathe.”

I heard Joe’s voice calm my pounding heart, and even my sweaty palms seemed to find warmth in the coolness of his voice. 

“I’ll wait. I can wait. If he believes I can do it, then I can. I will wait.”

I followed his gentle instructions and held tightly unto his soothing voice. It was my anchor, keeping me from drowning in the numbing pain. I was frightened. But Joe heard my fears. I couldn’t speak, but he heard my needs in the painful silence that escaped my lips. I was trying to breathe, trying so hard to take air in, but there was no air. I had run out of oxygen.

Joe must have seen my struggle, for before I knew it, my husband was blowing mild raspy breaths on my face. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to.

“As long as I live, my life gives life to you. As long as I have breath in me, you’ll never run out of air.” These words quietly echoed as the vibrations of his breath hit my face. I was breathing in his oxygen. My love was literally giving me his life to live.

 But for how long? How long before he also ran out of breath? My heart twisted in pain, and the panic gripped me. I couldn’t do this! I couldn’t take his life. We had been waiting for so long. Why was it taking so long? She had been waiting too, patiently curled up, but till when?

Although my eyes were squeezed shut, I saw Joe leave me. Desperation escaped my lips in bare whispers. “Joe. No. Please…” I begged him as loudly as the pain would let me, but the deafening silence mocked my pleas. No. Not him too. 

The Drumbeats got louder and louder. The rhythm rose to a frightening crescendo, as the seconds whispered away. The pain told me the eerie music was coming from my fragile heart. I couldn’t take this. What happened to waiting? What happened to believing?

Whoever said faith always prevailed lied. Whoever thought love conquered all things thought wrong. Love never dies. Love always fights. But Joe was leaving and this love was definitely dying.

Shuffling feet and shameful footsteps were his last words as he walked out. Out of the apartment, and out of my life. The door slammed. The silence returned, boldly with all the darkness and every single fear I even had. 

“In pain and in sickness. Till death do us part.” Lies. Liar. Liars. I never once caught him lying in all our ten years of being together, but that’s exactly what he was. A liar. What happened to the promises? What happened to the vows? What happened to us waiting together? How could I do this on my own? How could I survive the silence and darkness my world had been subjected to?

My stomach grumbled loudly, almost as if replying my heart’s cries. Somehow, my body still managed to keep it all together. Somehow, my heart hadn’t abandoned me in this waiting. Somehow, my body was still in one piece. The pain was there, frighteningly present, but my body hadn’t given up. We would wait. We could do this.

It had been three days since this wait started. It had been three days since water gushed out of me like a fountain untapped for too long. It had been three days since this bed took me as one of its own. Three gruesome days and I was still waiting.

I remembered the doctor’s words. “We’re sorry but you have to leave for now. You’ll need to wait a little bit more. One more day should do the trick.” Those were his words. But like everything else, those words were lies, bright lies designed to trick me into hoping. To trick me into waiting.

It had been three days since my legs moved. Three days of Joe cleaning me up like a little baby. It had been three days of waiting, and for a deserted pregnant woman, I was tired. I couldn’t wait any longer. This child had to come forth.

I felt the contractions. Gentle at first, but suddenly in quick rapid successions, they became more painful. I reached for the phone on the nightstand and dialed the doctor’s number. Soon, I was back in the hospital, the doctor peering at my womanhood and urging me to push. The nurses chanted “Push. Push,” over and over again, but I couldn’t find the energy I needed. Joe had left me when I needed him most. I had used up all my strength to wait, and now the waiting was over but I had no more strength.

I saw a group of kids playing in a familiar garden, jumping and laughing in the rain. There was a girl in a blue sundress. She was jumping the highest and her laughter echoed in the garden. She had all she could ever ask for.

That girl was me, but no longer a girl. She was now a woman, struggling to bring forth her baby into the world. She was me, forgetting how to breathe and filled with panic. She was me, lying on that hospital bed, legs spread wide apart, forgetting how to push.

“Lina.” I heard the voice but I wasn’t sure what it was. My mind was slipping away.

“Lina.” I heard the Voice again, this time, a bit louder. That was my name. I was Lina. I couldn’t go. I had to push. We had waited for so long. Now was the time. 

After some moments of heaving and sweating profusely, a melodious cry filled the room. I did it. I brought a child into this world. I did it. The doctor brought the baby to me and as I beheld my daughter’s eyes, I knew one thing for sure. My Princess was worth the wait.