MEA CULPA

MEA CULPA

It’s me, Eve. Don’t hang up. I mean don’t stop reading. And don’t look to see how long this message is.  If we were on better terms right now, I would make this short. But we aren’t on good terms are we?  So I am going to make this long, Eve, and I want you to hear me out.  I know you won’t pick up the phone because you are punishing me so I am texting you and yes, texting is going to sound less personal, but what is my alternative?  Carrier pigeon, letter by drone, Western Union telegram?  Sorry, if that sounds snarky but isn’t that just like you, Eve? You even make my abject apology hard to deliver!  Ok, cross out abject. I won’t go that far. Because, like you are always reminding me-- It takes two to tango, Axel, or in this case, two to quarrel?  But wait, forget I said that. This is an apology. An old fashioned apology from me to you!  Not up for debate. Not something for a jury or an audience to deliberate.  Just between you, Eve Ellis, the injured party, and me, Axel Gibbons, full stop. Whoops, sorry, strike that injured party insult, if that is what it is, an insult? I almost forgot my mission here is to apologize. I didn’t mean to call you the injured party  if that offends you. After all, we don’t want to rehash what started all of this, do we? Only you know what that was about anyway. I want there to be no question that I am apologizing to you, Eve. Maybe you could imagine me down on my knees, if that helps. Although that sounds kind of cheesy, doesn’t it? And if you laughed at me, looking like a fool down on my knees, I don’t know if I could continue to apologize. And I know you have a short attention span, at least when it comes to me. Is that an insult?

What is the best way to say I AM SORRY? I could have  just dashed  off some halfhearted message with kisses and cupids and heart emojis all over it  and gone on with my day, but knowing you, Eve, that message (even though I was sincere) would go right into your  trash file and you would call me some name that I wouldn’t like. Not that I would hear it, but be truthful, isn’t that what you would do? If you thought I wasn’t being sincere?  Honestly, I am not accusing you of doing that here, because after all, you are still reading this letter of apology, I hope. That’s a good sign. It would make no sense for me to be crafting this sensitive thoughtful letter of apology if you are not even reading it anymore. What If you have stopped reading this letter and are watching “Friends” reruns on your phone and drinking a Frappuccino, as though this relationship which is a little bent- out- of- shape between us is of no importance. What the heck, Eve? What is wrong with you? Oh, sorry. There is nothing wrong with you, Eve. It is all my fault, probably. I shouldn’t have gotten all hot under the collar just because you were 25 minutes late for our movie date. Again. Maybe I gave you the wrong start time. Or maybe you had something important come up at the last minute. It can happen. Tell me if I’m wrong, but I think you said were just having your nails done. So although some guys might think they were right to yell a little, because let’s be honest, a manicure is not an emergency, I probably overdid the yelling. So I am here to apologize, even though it seemed a little justified at the time, wouldn’t you admit?

Ok sorry, maybe I misunderstood the importance of having a manicure right before a sold-out double feature that you told me you were dying to see.  Whatever.  I’m not here to rerun that afternoon.  What if we just forget it ever happened?   I have already put it behind me and I am here to apologize, Eve. To say I am sorry, I am here to express my deep regrets, here to atone for whatever upset you so much that you locked me out of the apartment after that movie incident. That missed movie incident.  After all the tickets weren’t that expensive, and so what if I waited in a queue a week in advance to get them? You did what you thought was an appropriate response, Eve.  Not that everyone would agree. But you aren’t everyone and that’s what I love about you. Well, most of the time.

And no, I am not just apologizing so you’ll let me back into the apartment to get my laptop and my clothes. After all, I can always borrow a pair of jeans from my twin brother and I can always shower at the Y.   So it’s not so bad.

The bad part is that you aren’t talking to me, Eve. My sister says that’s the good part, Axel.  That’s part of what she said. You don’t want to hear the rest. And I wouldn’t tell you the rest because the last thing I want to do is hurt you, Eve. I am here to apologize.  Not to grovel, but to apologize from the bottom of my heart.  

So here’s one final way to impress upon you how sorry I am, Eve. Not  just in English, but in 5 other languages! In case you think I haven’t given my apology some real thought!

"Lo siento" 

 "Je suis désolé" 

 "Es tut mir leid" 

"Mi dispiace" 

 "Sinto muito" 

And last but not least, mea culpa!

 I am holding my breath and hitting SEND!    

Oh my god, Eve, you responded.  So fast!   That’s not  like you. I guess  you are a fast reader. Maybe I  finally got through to you.  I wonder what did the trick? Maybe it was the apology in 5 languages! No six, counting English!

I’m almost afraid to look. But here goes. It says---

“You have the wrong number. There is no Eve here. Sorry”

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