The Lives We Lead

When I was in the seventh grade, my teacher asked us to write journal entries about our daily activities. I enjoyed the assignment. For nearly 6 years, I wrote about my family and my life. Journaling helped me deal with many things as I was growing up. I hope reading them will also help you.

(Apologies for the profanity. I was a very vocal child.)

June 9, 2010

Today mom made her famous tuna noodle casserole. I know Mom likes it, but the rest of us hate the thing.

At dinner, Dad told us a story about him and Uncle Fred fishing when they were kids. He was making us laugh as he tried feeding the casserole to Fanny. But when he got to the part about some fish pulling him and Uncle Fred into the lake, Fanny started gaging.

She sounded like she was hawking a Lougee. Squawking and hacking. Like the time she went through the trash and ate the bacon-greased paper towel. She couldn’t get it up so it went through. Wouldn’t come out though. (Dad had to pull it from her but.)

Anyway, Mom caught Dad, and Mary and I laughed.

I like our family dinners. Just the 4 (5 if we include Fanny) of us eating and laughing together.

June 10, 2010

Fanny got sick from the casserole.

I woke up to find Fanny sitting in her cage. The hallway smelled terrible. Her blanket was soaked in brown juice.

Dad and I spent the morning cleaning out her cage, gaging as we scrubbed the milky brown liquid. Mom was scary when she saw Dad pull out the dripping blanket.

“My Carpet!”, she screamed. (I was biting my lip/holding my nose)

I was both impressed and disgusted by the amount. It looked like the aftermath of a porta-potty explosion.

In my mind, last night will forever be known as Shitpalooza! (One Night Only!) (Hopefully with no encores.)

Fear the tuna noodle casserole.

September 12, 2010

Today was Mary’s birthday. She had a big party with her friends. I got chocolate cake, so I was happy. Until Mary opened up a brand-new smartphone. (Scribbled out curse word I learned from a friend at school.)

I’m not jealous.

Mom ordered pizza for dinner. I wanted pepperoni, but the girls ate it, so I got stuck with cheese. Boring, depressing, cheese. Dad tried to give me some garlic salt to improve the flavor.

I told him I’m a pizza purist! No sauce or fruit or seasonings for me!

If it’s not pepperoni! Pure, spicy, delicious pepperoni! Then it’s not pizza!

He rolled his eyes thinking I was crazy.

After the party, Mary and her friends took over the basement for a sleepover. They played “Dance, Dance, Revolution” and sang karaoke. The walls of my bedroom vibrated as Justin Bieber’s “Baby” came up through the vents.

“Fuck’n pop music. Why they gotta make it so damn loud”, I heard Dad mumble.

New curse word unlocked. Haha!

After the party, Mary had to clean up the entire basement by herself. (Revenge, sweet revenge.)

October 3, 2010

Marys changed. I’m not sure what I mean by that but……

Today’s dinner was different.

Mary wouldn’t get off her phone for some reason and mom yelled at her. Even getting her to the table was a battle. She was listening to music on headphones and wouldn’t come out of her room. She’s been more protective of her room too. I can’t even ask her for help with my homework without being yelled at.

(Bloody Mary is her new nickname now.)

I could tell Dad was angry at dinner too. He was telling us about a problem he had at work, and Mary would even look up from her screen.

Dad’s always been the more easy-going parent. He liked to make us laugh. Like when he used chopsticks to make walrus tusks at the Chinese restaurant. (Mom didn’t like that.) Or when he hid a fart machine under Grannie’s chair during Thanksgiving. (Mom really didn’t like that.)

Dad was the parent who never got angry. But Mary…….

“Mary, no phones at the dinner table”, dad said.

Mary rolled her eyes. “Whatever”

I heard a bell ding. (Round 1)

This fight was different. For one thing, Dad got involved. And for another. Mary got grounded. Phone taken away, and car privileges revoked.

She stormed off to her room and the rest of us ate in near silence. Not even Dad tried to lighten the mood.

*

December 24, 2013

I just got back from our family’s annual ski trip in northern Montana. It was cold as shit, but the slopes were fantastic.

During dinner, Mom was arguing with Mary again. She wanted to know about Mary’s early application to the State’s College.

Mary was a senior, smart as hell. But lazy, and moody as fuck.

I swear, for the past 4-5 months, all I’ve heard is Mom and Mary going at it. (Round ????)

“Did you do this? Did you talk to him? Have you finished writing that?” (Blah, blah, blah).

They argue so often now that I kinda just tune it out now.

Dad does the same.

After I entered high school, he stopped telling funny stories. He started drinking more often and now barely engages with us at dinner. He just watches the game through the dining room’s open wall. Mom’s the same. She stopped asking about our days at some point. Too many stupid arguments. If it’s not important business, no one talks.

Kinda sad.

Nowadays my closest family member is Fanny. She’s gotten older now. Her black, brown, and white fur has faded considerably. I’ve started calling her “Granny Fanny” now.

When I was a kid she would pounce on me and lick my face. Now she just yawns, stretches out, and walks to the couch. When we go out someplace, I have to lift her into the car.

Also, she’s started to fart in her sleep. More than once, in the middle of the night, I’ve heard Dad yell, “Jesus Fanny! Did you shit yourself?”

She’s a Dutch oven master. (ha, ha, ha)

December 25, 2013

Mary tried to sneak out of the house in the early morning. Mom caught her. She wanted to spend Christmas with her boyfriend? Friends? (I can’t remember.)

Normally on Christmas, we would all get up, have breakfast, and open presents. But, Mary didn’t care about this anymore.

She left after a long yelling match with Mom and Dad. Dad stormed off at some point and Mom cried when she thought I was upstairs.

Merry Christmas Mary. You made mom cry.

March 7, 2014

Dad had a grim face when we all sat down for dinner. He wouldn’t look at me or Mary.

Finally, he said what I never wanted to hear.

“We have to put Fanny down”, he said.

Fanny had been going downhill since January. She had gone to the vet multiple times due to unexplained seizures. Eventually, the vet found the problem. She had developed several small tumors in her organs. Inoperable.

“When….”, was all I was able to say.

Mary didn’t say anything. She didn’t even look up from her phone. It was the first time I’ve ever really wanted to punch her.

Mom was crying.

“While you’re at school tomorrow.”

Dad was trying not to cry as well. He and Fanny were good friends. Every weekend you would find the two of them in the garage watching the football or baseball game together. Fanny had her own special bed right next to Dad’s folding chair and cooler.

I tried to argue with Dad, saying I wanted to be with her.

“You don’t need to see that.”

He shut me down hard.

I felt so angry that I left the table without eating. A horrible pit was eating the inside of my stomach. I was angry at Mom and Dad, Mary and Fanny. But more than anything, I was angry at myself.

I don’t know what to do…….

June 13, 2014

Mary graduated and is preparing to go to college.

She and mom have been getting along better lately. So that’s good.

Dad and I are going to a baseball game tomorrow. Phillies vs. The Red Socks. One of the best games of the season.

We’re seated in the Red Socks area, so that’s a bit of a letdown. But the tickets are great. First base 6th row from the front.

I may even be able to catch a fly ball. (Always been a dream of mine.)

Mom and Mary are going on a weekend spa trip. You know, mud masks, and massages done by a buff guy named Hans, that kinda stuff. (Yuck!)

In other news. I had my first date the other day. We went to see a Disney movie. It was that weird one with Angelina Jolie. What was the name again? Malignant?

Dad gave me some advice, but he’s not really good at it.

“Son. Don’t bite the fruit before you peel it.” (What!?)

We held hands and kissed near the end. I told her I had prior kissing experience. (lie)

All I kept thinking about was how I should move my tongue.

It was great. 10/10, 5 stars, would definitely recommend to a friend.

Except no one else will get to kiss her while I’m around.

June 15, 2014

So………I’m not really sure how to write about this.

Mom and Dad are splitting up.

Good thing Fanny's gone. Not sure how they would split the dog in half. (ha, ha)

But in all seriousness. They took us to the spa and the game to make it easier to tell us.

Bull Shit!

Dinner was tense last night. Mom and Mary hadn’t come back from their trip yet. And Dad didn’t want to answer any questions without Mom being here. (Then why’d you split up for this. Poor planning, I swear.)

Not sure what’s going to happen after this. I’ll probably live with Dad. He drinks a lot, but he’s less crazy than Mom is. So, there's that.

I’ll have to learn to do my own laundry.

Not sure what I’ll do without her tuna noodle casserole. But I’ll manage.

Kids are the ones who truly suffer in a divorce.

*

February 11, 2015

It’s now 3 days before Valentine's Day and I don’t have a gift for Christine yet. Mom told me to do something nice like flowers or dinner (basic). Under her breath, I also heard her make a subtle jab at Dad. Something about how I was more thoughtful than he ever was. Not sure if that was a compliment or not, but whatever.

In other news, my college applications have been submitted. I’m not confident due to my grade in physics. Mr. Gerard fucking hated Mary and now holds a grudge against me. I also sleep a lot in his class. So, there’s that.

I hope to at least get into my second-choice school. It has a great journalism program, and thankfully, very little math. Christine wants me to go with her to state.

I’m not sure what I should do if I get into both. I want to see how far Christine and I can go, but I also want to go to the best school.

Why do I have to decide my entire future right now!?

May 13, 2015

I have officially finished my 12-year prison sentence. Time to start my life. (Ha, ha, ha)

Graduation was a bit tense. My grandparents, uncle, and Mary were trying to keep Mom and Dad from arguing during the ceremony. At times I thought I could hear them arguing behind me in the stadium. I think Dad called her, “Big Blow Hole” around the time they started calling people up to receive their diplomas. Then we heard, “You fat fucking bastard!” come from somewhere behind us. Many of my classmates either laughed or looked absolutely bewildered.

“There she blows”, I thought at the time.

The school had to stop to remind the parents to be quiet during the ceremony. I was mortified.

After the ceremony, Christine talked with all my family. I grew very tense when Grandma asked about our marriage plans. Grandma was senile as a bat, and yet she was razor-focused when it came to embarrassing me.

I stumbled through an answer while trying to avoid making eye contact with Christine. Dad later told me that he doesn’t think she’s actually senile we were at dinner.

“My mom’s as sharp as a tack and as blunt as a hammer. If she’s crazy, I’m a Victoria's Secret model.”

(For context, Dad's pushing 240, balding, with a grey and black peppered beard. Not a model. Unless it’s for, “Heart Attack Monthly”)

May 14, 2015

I’ve decided to study journalism at the state college. It’s cheaper than my other choices and I want to see where things are going with Christine.

Call me a fool. But I love her. (Not that I’ve told her yet.) + (Just waiting for the right moment)

Dad thinks I’m an idiot for choosing the girl. Mom thinks I’m a sweetheart. And Mary thinks that I’m going to blow it in my first week at college. According to Mary, I’m going to find some busty blonde bimbo, fuck her, and the rest will be history. (Hell No!)

Mary’s definitely mellowed out since starting college, but every once in a while she can really hit me where it hurts.

In other news, Mary’s getting married. I met the guy at my graduation dinner. (Apparently, he gave Mary a ride.) His name is Josh. Seems like a nice guy. I feel sorry that he’s going to marry Mary though.

Should I warn him? (Maybe. Though if he likes her, then………)

August 8, 2015

Christine and I leave for college next week. I’m not sure what Mom and Dad are going to do without me around. I think Dad will be fine. Mom, I’m not so sure about.

She started dating this absolute tool bag last year. A real glass-half-empty character, if you know what I mean. I try to avoid being in the same room with him if I can help it. Ony to keep my sanity, I can assure you. (And so I don’t punch the guy.)

I’m happy for mom. But at the same time, I was hoping her standards would have been higher. I mean the guy can’t keep a job, drinks heavily, and is prone to bursts of anger. For fuck’s sake Mom.

I’m not sure how she’ll handle her last kid (bird) leaving the nest. She flipped out when Mary left. Only time knows what she’ll do this time. I may come home for Christmas to find her with Marge Simpson hair, wearing a MooMoo and crocks.

Whatever happens, student debt, divorce, kids, crazy in-laws, weird neighbors named Terrance.

I just hope I don’t turn out like my parents. (In any way, shape, or form.)

The End