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I can’t believe the time is almost up. Just a few minutes and everything is going to be over. Here it comes, midnight is lost and I have to rush to get to bed and close my eyes prior to midnight! And if I manage to accomplish that everything will be OK. If I pass the time awake just one minute after the day is over it would be like entering a new dimension and all that happened during the day will be erased, everything! Absolutely everything! And everyone…since the boy riding a bike this morning delivering papers until the love of my life who is holding me close.
However, it is a way to preserve the day’s events and that is writing a report of it; in that way if it is forgotten, by time, someone could read it - if that someone is smart enough will read it out loud - and restore the day but…it needs to be done carefully because the day can overlap with the day in the future, in short, it is a disaster or if not a disaster a very complicated puzzle. But… it is much more worse going to the next day without the log because that only means everything will just disappear and part of my memory too, part of my life will be gone…I don’t know you, but I don’t want to lose the moments of my life that matter must even when I don’t know how much they matter at the time. But there is another problem… if we stop to think for a second or two how we come to live in this world we have minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years counted. We never know how much time we have but we know, at one point, we will cease to exist in this life and then we will see what happens with our minutes, how some of them are well used making a friendship, helping someone or creating a piece of art even making a difference! But we could also lose those minutes and send them unused to the garbage of lives.
The most important thing is to make the day to count for someone or something. At the end of times, how many minutes or hours or days would be in the trash can? How many minutes of my life will be wasted and at the end, my dreams and goals will vanish? Do you ever get the feeling that if you don’t accomplish a task or a mission everything collapses? This is exactly what happens to me every night, especially if I let my depression take care of me , making me feel that nothing matters not even to be alive.… but I have the control to keep order or chaos in my universe… I wonder sometimes if I am dreaming or living and the question reminds, what is real and what is not? How did I use the hours of this day? What can you do when the minutes gone missing…and you just feel saying “I need just one more hour to live my life of today” and sometimes when I walk on the dark alleys of my soul I want the day to be shorter…Why? I don’t know, even the love of my life gets concerned when I don't even want to get up in a way, it is a death wish. Oh wait! This voice came back, need to clarify, don’t want to die (too many things and dreams to be done) just stop. Those days are…so hard and at the end… I find myself dragging my will to make a log, that’s why, sometimes, I hear voices who encourage me and that fight those who don’t.
Hey Ayalen - my watch is calling my name - have you logged today? Time is ticking
No, not yet, seems to me that today was a waste - I answer
Come on! Something good or interesting should have happened…
I am not sure - I am getting nervous -all I did was sleep, most of the time and my obligations piled up undone like the dirty dishes in the sink.
Well- say my pen this time- even that feeling counts for the log because if you are alive it is not the end…yet.
Yeah, today was the kind of day. The day that for some reason the clock is slower and seems to be endless. The day that nothing happens because everything is on pause waiting for me to get going, tasks and goals are getting scrambled in one corner of my head that I picture as a door. A door to a room that becomes smaller and smaller because it is crowded with things I procrastinate to do. I just wish I could have something else to report other than my worthless feeling, something good, something exciting… What can that be?
It must be somewhere! Let’s look! - the cheerful voice of hope manages to get herself heard when all day silence has imprisoned me.
Yeah, yeah - you only have a couple minutes anyway, what can you find? - the other voice says, he seems to be bored and tired like me but he is also very sneaky, it brings secretly a thought of Nothingness
Leave Ayalen alone, I am sure she will find something! Don’t be so pessimistic
Do you mean, realistic?
Quiet both of you! - I finally had a say in this conversation - I will find something today, just a little glimpse of joy or something good…. Just need to think…(Oh, I am so exhausted).
Before the voices could say something else I closed my eyes and took a big breath. I remember…and dim memories start coming… My trip to the library was very pleasant, it was an “OK” day for Spring. I always love books so it was a good half an hour.
There! - screamed Hope excited - I knew it!
Oh, come on, just 30 minutes
I remember remembering people from my past and saying a prayer for them and those who haunt me. I tried to let them go for the day and for a while it worked out. It was good I managed to cook supper, something simple and my toddler surprised me standing, for the very first time, in the kitchen counter, I was so delighted at the moment and wanted to take a picture that, even when I managed to take the picture, the jug of water fell. Oh no!
Oh yes - said the voice of Disappointment - all is ruined!
No - I said.
Since I tend to document my life with my cellphone camera when I find something I want to remember I decided to scroll in my phone and there! I found the perfect harmony moment. God gave me a gift inside a strawberry! I was cutting strawberries for a salad and the very last one was very big and wide. At the time of slicing it showed the shape of a heart! It was amazing! I even was able to make a digital art with it and I wrote the words “finding love cooking”. Wow, that was something to remember….to remember no matter how small a simple moment can give a turn to your day and sometimes to your life. I want to also log the beautiful moment when my husband and I sat together on the couch reading a book to our toddler and after, when our son wanted to go play some more, we just held hands in silence and smiled at each other and I asked him about his day. It was a precious moment, like the ones you want to freeze forever in time. These are the moments worthy of logging.
But the other moments, the ones that battle inside me, those are important too…something is wrong, something needs help inside me when I just feel I need to sleep.
“As long as you find balance” Luc my husband keeps saying and he is right. It is just too hard sometimes.
I feel peace, I found some moments for today’s log even the absence of moments for the hours I maybe wasted or perhaps use them to pause. “Although it was too long”- according to this other voice who tends to jump in judgment too quickly.
The day almost expires and it will be time for me to rest and reset. I am glad I was able to find something meaningful today and also that my little voices - beauties of mental illness- had some air time in this log. It is 11:59 pm. Ayalen signs out.
Ayalen closed her eyes after the last word, she had a peaceful smile on her face. She also had a wrinkle of concern for all the things she didn't get done today but as her dad in the tea shop says “Every day has its own events” the day has 24 hours, each hour has 60 minutes and each minute 60 seconds… There are many things that can happen. Tomorrow is a new day.
The End
23:59:59
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