The Caffeine Bandit

There was something about skating through the empty streets at two in the night in a bus that had a calming effect on Ian. Such was the nature of his work that he usually left his home just when people were tucking themselves in for a night filled with dreams. And he preferred that. The anonymity that the night offered him was quite welcome.

He still remembered when he had taken his first bus ride after a night like this. Ian was then just starting out as an amateur thief. Or a stealth-artist, as he liked to believe. In the months to come, he would carve his own niche. These days, he was known as The Caffeine Bandit. To say that he was a coffee enthusiast would be a grave understatement. He had once heard that if you make what you love your job, you’ll never work for a day in your life. He had taken it to the heart and combined two of his specialties—coffee and stealth. In the last six months, he had ‘secured’ no less than thirteen premium coffee machines from various residences and businesses. In fact, he was almost at the end of the Coffee Bucket List he had started out with.

Over the months, it became an addiction for him, just like coffee had been at an earlier point in his life. He would lay his eyes on a marvelous coffee machine and the image would haunt him for days. This was the reason he was taking the bus tonight. He had had one of his unsuccessful nights. He had been caught off-guard by the owner’s dog, who had been conveniently nowhere to be seen the previous night when he scoped the place. Always patient, he had prudently abandoned his endeavor and returned home. Keeping out of jail, even with a somewhat inferior cup of coffee, was something he was okay with. The first time he had stolen a coffee machine, he was noticed by the shop-cleaner who had been surreptitiously sleeping in the shop. As the cleaner gave chase, Ian had jumped up a bus which was passing by. On his way home, he had watched at least two police barricades and three strolling policemen go by, all from the safety of his bus. And that had been his escape route ever since.

It didn’t happen very often, but sometimes he would have a co-passenger. Occasionally, he would play a game with himself guessing where they were coming from. Last week, he had spotted a prostitute with mysterious bruises. The week before that, judging by the finicky attempts at tucking the shirt in, straightening of the tie and use of a crumpled handkerchief to smudge out a suspicious lipstick mark, he had spotted a middle-aged man who was presumably going home after a rendezvous with a woman who was most certainly not his wife.

The game wasn’t much, but a thief returning after a hard night had precious few options for entertainment at two in the night.

Presently, he was shaken out of his reverie by the sudden halt of the bus. He saw a man in his mid-20s entering the bus. The man was respectably dressed compared to the inconspicuous, and somewhat cliched, all-black that Ian was wearing. He seemed almost too well dressed for this time of the night with his formal shirt folded at the elbows and the end of a navy blue tie poking from his breast pocket of his shirt. His shoes had seen better days but were clean. The man was cradling a heavy machine. But while others may have described it plainly as a machine, Ian’s eyes lit up inadvertently when he recognized it. It was one of the few coffee machines he was yet to get his hands on. The stranger must have caught Ian staring at his possession, for he sharply turned towards Ian.

Ian put his hands up in mock surrender.

“I’m sorry, but is it Olympia Express Cremina Lever Espresso Machine?”

The stranger was taken aback by Ian’s strange utterance. Slowly, the ends of his mouth curled up in a smile.

“Why, yes! It sure is. Just taking this baby home for testing.” He said, giving the machine an appreciative pat, like you would do to your dog. Seeing the slightly confused expression on Ian’s face, he added, “Oh, I’m the new engineer at the Coffee People store just around the corner from Buckview Street. You know the one with the fancy drapes…”

Ian indeed knew the store. It was the only place in the town where you could get such an espresso machine. Ian himself had been to the store many times, just to appreciate the aroma, shiny machines at every corner and soothing hissing sounds of a perfect cup of coffee being brewed.

“I don’t mean to bother you, but can I take a closer look?” He asked the stranger tentatively.

“Knock yourself out, man.” Stranger said, gesturing him over.

Ian made a beeline towards the machine. He seated himself opposite the stranger and offered his hand.

“I’m Ian.”

“Russel. Russel Montgomery.”

The machine was splendid. Streetlights glided across its shiny, pristine surface as their bus raced through the streets. The lever stood elegantly waiting to be commanded for a perfect brew. The dials and knobs gave it the paradoxical impression of being something exquisite with an indescribable simplicity. He could almost hear the hiss and smell the rich aroma this engineering marvel would be producing in a few hours. As expected, he felt envious of Russel the engineer.

“It must be great working as an engineer at that shop.” Ian said as he gave the coffee machine one last loving look-over.

“Man, I’m here lugging this around at two in the night. So, not exactly my dream job, but I’m hoping a cup of coffee from this would help. Small perks of a shitty job.” He gave a shrug. “Speaking of jobs, what makes you take this bus?”

Without a second’s hesitation, Ian replied, “I work at an adult toy store. We usually don’t get our first customer till nine in the night, and even at this time, we have to push out a few lurkers.” Ian delivered the lie perfectly. He had the story down to a T.

“That’s some job. Must see a lot of creeps in your line?”

“Yeah. That’s one of the things I learnt—you can never tell who’s who just by looking at them. Never judge a book by the cover and all that. Once I saw my dentist spying on a pair of Irish boomerangs. It was quite unsettling.”

Russel gave a laugh that seemed genuine. For the next ten minutes, they discussed Ian’s job and their mutual love for coffee. And while Ian took part in the conversation satisfactorily, the professional part of his brain had spotted an opportunity. He had already determined that this Russel guy lived alone. He seemed like a simple fellow who probably had three cats. He had come to realize in his line of work that people like Russel were not the most vigilant ones. A coffee machine for a night’s worth of efforts seemed like more than a fair deal to him. He just needed to scope his place, tonight if possible, and return tomorrow to claim the machine for himself. If he was lucky, there might even be more of the machines this guy tested. Carrying them would be a problem, but he’ll come prepared. He had a sack-bag perfect for this. It was as if God had nudged this simple-minded engineer in his path to reward him.

Just as they were about to exhaust all their topics for discussion, Russel peered out of the window.

“Riverfields. That’s my stop. It was nice talking to you, man. See you again!”

Ian grabbed at this.

“No kidding! This is also where I get off!”

“You live around here too?”

“No. Just delivering some stuff from the shop to a mate.” Ian added a wink to good effect.

They both got down at the bus-stop.

“I live down the 18^th. Look me up when you’re around here next. Let’s have that cup of coffee.”

Oh, I’ll make sure I do, though Ian.

“Of course. See you later!” said Ian.

Ian gave Russell a minute’s head start. It wasn’t easy to follow someone at two-thirty in the night without being spotted on an empty street, but Ian managed; the broken streetlights helped. Russell stopped in front of a dilapidated building and fished for his keys. Having found the right one, he unlocked the door and entered. In about fifty seconds, Ian saw the lights flicker up on the second flight. A fire-escape was conveniently placed right under the window that Ian was facing. The building itself hardly looked to have any security measures. Ian couldn’t help but smile; this would probably be easier than making a cup of coffee in almost-his new and shiny Olympia Express Cremina Lever Espresso Machine. Easy as a breeze.

Whistling a happy tune to himself, he retraced his steps to the bus stop. In his mind, he was already contemplating where would his new coffee machine go on his kitchen counter.

……

Ian woke up happy the next morning. Like every day, he brewed a cup of coffee in his now suddenly outdated La Pavoni PSW-16. While cup brewed, he picked up the newspaper. Settling down, he took a sip. He was sure it was just his mind playing tricks, but somehow the coffee tasted different. Inferior.

It wasn’t until he started on the second cup that he reached page 6. In the bottom corner, a disconcerting headline greeted him.

Caffeine Bandit finally apprehended;

over 20 stolen machines found

Police last night finally drew curtains on the mysterious thief popularly known as The Caffeine Bandit. The Caffeine Bandit turned out to be a Mr Russel Montgomery of 18^th street, Riverfields. The police statement said that they had been suspicious of the individual for a while now. “We had been keeping tabs on the suspect for a week now. Yesterday our unit followed him from the popular Coffee People shop when the silent alarm was triggered. He led us directly to his house, where we discovered 23 coffee machines.” said Police Chief Thomas Rush. 

This is quite an achievement by the Police Department as The Caffeine Bandit had been embarrassing the department for quite a while. Notorious for breaking in and stealing premium coffee machines from homes and businesses alike, he had been successfully avoiding the law forces for over six months now. 

“Finally, the people will stop drinking coffee at night just to stay awake for this Caffeine Bandit. Can’t say I’m not relieved.” observed 73-year-old Mr Parkins of Riverfields.

Ian finished his second cup of coffee without realizing it had long gone cold.