A Lesson in Meditation

I don’t like silence.

Silence invites in too many thoughts that I prefer to drown out.

But I understand the importance of silent moments, which is what brought me here.

To this dark room, the only light available is that of a single candle that burns in the middle of the room.

My task, to not let the flame go out.

There’s a window somewhere in the room, it’s night out, I can feel a breeze and every now and then I have to lift my hand up to cup the flame to protect it from the breeze.

I don’t look for the window, there’s really no point. I don’t want to take my eyes off the flame.

The flame is dancing on top of the candle, and I can’t look away.

Deep breathe in, pause 1,2,3, deep breathe out.

My head feels heavy, I roll my neck to try to ease the weight.

I hear the cracking of my joints as I roll my neck a few more times.

My throat feels dry, I should have brought some water.

What if my throat gets so dry I can’t breathe anymore. Or I have trouble breathing. There’s no one here to call for help if I need it.

My breathing gets shallow, I acknowledge it.

My focus goes back to the candle.

Deep breathe in 1,2,3 deep breath out.

Deep breathe in 1,2,3 deep breathe out.

My shoulders feel like they are carrying the weight of the world.

I roll them back and I hear the popping of my bones and cartilage rubbing together. I focus on the popping sounds as I continue to roll my shoulders for a little longer.

I sit up a little straighter and feel my back groaning at me.

The flame starts to dance as another breeze comes through the open window, I cup my hand near the flame again to protect it from the breeze.

I feel the heat of the flame on my hand.

What if you touch the flame, the voice in my head intrudes. Subconsciously my hand moves closer to the flame, I feel the heat get hotter on my skin.

My hand whips away from the candle quickly, my conscious mind back in control.

Deep breathe in 1,2,3 deep breathe out.

Deep breathe in 1,2,3 deep breathe out.

I focus on sitting up straight again. I’m sorry I whisper to my body, my back specifically, because I know I don’t have good posture throughout the day and that’s why it’s groaning in slight pain right now as I straighten it.

There’s a pain in my stomach, I go through all the things I ate today to try to think of any food that could be the cause for my stomach pain.

Nothing sticks out particularly.

Maybe it’s something more than just food pain. Maybe it’s something serious. Should I see a doctor, what if it’s a sign of something bad happening inside my body.

If I ignore the signs will my health get worse, will I regret not going to the emergency room if it’s something serious?

A pain shoots through my chest, is this a heart attack. Do I need medical attention? There’s no one here to help me if I need it.

I don’t even know where the nearest hospital is.

If I was having a heart attack, would I even make it to the hospital in time?

What if I have a heart attack and die, I’m not ready to die.

I move both my arms sticking them out to each side parallel to the ground and rotate them. My left arm forward my right arm backward, still full motion in both.

I sigh.

My focus goes back to the candle.

Deep breathe in 1,2,3 deep breathe out.

Deep breathe in 1,2,3 deep breathe out.

I can feel the cool floor beneath me. I notice where my body meets the floor. How the coolness feels on my skin through my jeans.

I start to imagine my body is one with earth and it’s pulling me past the man-made floor and deeper down until it hits the soil it is so longing to be one with right now.

When I leave, I think I’ll walk outside without shoes, give my body the contact with the earth that it is desperately asking for in this moment.

My body seems to accept this, it pulls itself back into this moment.

I focus on the candle again.

Deep breathe in 1,2,3 deep breathe out.

Deep breathe in 1,2,3 deep breathe out.

My mind goes inward again, thinking about the flow of my blood in my veins as it moves from my upper thighs down to my knees which are both bent inwards as I sit crisscross on the floor.

When my blood reaches my knees it stops, like it’s blocked. There’s something that’s preventing the flow.

I straighten my legs out one at a time.

The candle now between my two legs at my knees.

With my legs straight out in front of me, my blood starts to flow again making its way down my calves and into my ankles.

I roll my ankles, one pops. An old injury that won’t go away.

The blood continues through my feet and into my toes.

I wiggle my toes, 5 on each foot.

My focus goes back to the candle.

Deep breathe in 1,2,3 deep breathe out.

I close my eyes, there’s no breeze, I trust that the candle is safe.

The flicker of the candle is still on the inside of my eyelids when my eyes close.

I don’t know how long I sit there with my eyes closed; it can’t be long.

I hear a door open slowly.

My eyes open and focus on the candle, making sure the door doesn’t let in a gust that might put out my candle.

I cup my hand around the flame.

“Times up,” the woman says, “How was it?”

I remove my hand from the side of the flame.

I blow the candle out and watch the tiny stream of smoke go up and then disappear “It was great” I reply as I stand up from the floor keeping my eyes on the burnt wicker of the candle taking a final deep breathe to get up the energy to take on the real world again.

I step outside into the dark night, as promised I remove my shoes and step onto the grass with my bare feet.

Thank you, I feel my body telling me as it melts into the earth.

The earth replies with a breeze that whips my hair around my face.

I look up at the clear night sky and all the stars that are visible in a place with no artificial light.

“Thank you for letting me be here in this moment” I whisper to Mother Earth as I close my eyes and let every inch of my body soak in the night.