To Whom it May Concern: PART THREE

TWIMC-3

Boxes of memories.

A chaotic mind riding on the edge.

It doesn’t matter anymore.

Hello?

Say it! Say it!

It is the pure consciousness of society. An epiphany of sorts. The new normal. Say it!! You’re slipping. Say it! You’re slipping. Only because I love you. Re-writing a history full of prophecies. Suffocating in her little brown jar. She remembers so clearly. Staring out over the ocean. Clang, clang, clang. Ching- ching. Bang-bang. Her muffled screams before she lost her mind. Focus. Focus.

Focus.

Bam, bam, bam. Bang, bang, bang. One, two and three. Three, is half of infinity. Ching- ching. Bang-bang. Say it! Say it! A new room, with no name. Get away. Get away.

Tragically numb.

Open doors with locks and keys. A yellow house once filled with dreams. A life of the sun, the moon and the stars. Clang, clang, clang. Ching-ching. Bang-bang. A million different…

A million different ways to be me.

Falling into a world of defeat. There is always a different way. So close…

So close…

She could hear them breathe.

Catastrophe, catastrophe. Our democracy in shambles. I need to go home. I want to go home. I am not deaf. I am not blind.

I am.

Her withdrawal runs deep and long. The lights are flashing, and her distraction is absolute. Lost in a box of time. Yearning for the truth. Lie, lie, lie. I feel pain. I feel fear. How do I be? I want to hide. I feel pounding. I feel hurt. I feel worry. I don’t want to remember. I thought that I was dreaming.

Expecting a different conclusion.

Being reminded.

I’m not deaf.

I’m not blind.

I am.

A million different ways to be me.

Hello?

FYI…

Her garden. It’s full of red. Red, bushes. Red Dahlia’s. Red thorns. A red wagon. And an amazing, red-bud bush. Red-red-red. With green. And the yellow four headed queen. It’s the patterns. The bold colors of fall. And because of that, I am tired of the same old feeling, so I let it go. For, now. Because there was terrified screaming that nobody could hear. Her eyes are open and filled with fear. Her knowledge is barren as the deserts are dry. She’s alone with her fear and she doesn’t know why. Hey-hey.

Is the pain good? Or is this pain bad?

Shouldn’t I be happy?

Or should I be sad?

Clang.

Clang, clang.

The words, tears, touch, and tone. It’s been so long. How did we get here? Somebody, hear me. Why am I so alone? Listen to me and tell me…what do you hear? The lies or the truth? Say it! Are we honest or untrue? Say it! There is nothing you can do. The answer is unreal. Something is there. You want to see, and I want to feel.

Without feeling wrong.

An unmistakable feeling.

Clang, clang, clang.

Was this a part of the plan? How do I get away? It’s a game. It’s a puzzle.

It is all, that she knows.

It is what she remembers.

An unmistakable feeling…

Clang, clang, clang.

Hello.

Left side right side, which way does she go?

She’s caught in a maze. Please help her.

How do I do this?

It’s all random thoughts.

Tomorrow is another day. A million different ways to be me. Conditions are habits, as habits are conditions. Lol. I have them all. I don’t want it. Throw it out, and away. Through the open window.

What do I see?

I gave up on them, as they gave up on me.

Lol.

A double-edged sword.

Example-

Money, money, money. Here she comes now say money, money. She’s falling into a world of defeat. There is always a different way. A refusal at first, walking into the maze. So close, she could hear them breathe.

I am not deaf. I am not blind. I am.

There is no voice. I can’t escape myself. The lightning is crashing. And her confusion is real. She is lost in a box of time yearning for the truth.

Be honest.

Lie, lie, lie.

I feel pain. I feel fear. How do I be? I want to hide. I feel pounding hurting me. I feel worry.

Wonder… Wonder, wonder.

A million different ways.

A million different ways to be me.

I remember some.

I remember dreaming.

Lol.

Dreaming that I was dreaming.

And I couldn’t wake up.

Did I expect a different conclusion? How do I forget my confusion? Hey-hey. Being reminded, not reminiscing. A one-way ticket. I need to go home. I want to go home.

I am not deaf. I am not blind. I am.

Pick a side.

What do I do…

Where do I go??

I am always going to wonder.

You did something.

There is something there.

It’s here…

It will not go away. Most of the time I don’t want this. It’s not time yet.

But I am changing my behavior towards it.

It’s there...

So many different ways to lie.

I have nowhere to go but here. I need back-up. I need a plan. I’m stuck.

I need to go.

I want to fly. I want to soar. I don’t want to be alone at night. Any, more. I see bigger and newer things, all around.

I see what is happening, all around also.

Did they get lost? There was no end. It is not over. It is just…

Beginning.

To this exact moment.

An issue, that is yet to be dealt with.

I wish that life would leave me a pause. Let this all pass me by, for a moment.

You deserve to be alone. I was. This will surround me. It always has. I don’t know much different. Today anyway.

I DON’T WANT TO GO!

To change my life, I have to change myself. How to be. How to be. How do I want you to see me? I really don’t care at this moment.

How do I want to be?

Unforgiving...

But proud.

Relentless.

And loud.

But then there is me.

Letting things go, and letting things be. Go...

Trust, thyself.

Move forward.

LOL.

Be sure…

Of something.

Ex.

Medication. I need medication.

Yep.

This is not all me. I AM GOING TO FIX ME.

Hello Saturday.

BANG, BANG, BANG!!

BANG.

BANG-BANG!!!

She walked straight outside and sat.

AUMMM…

Good morning!

Lie, lie, lie. He’s a liar.

He is weak.

There is always a reason. I am not, deaf. I am not dumb. I see you. I watch you. I’m not blind. I wish that I were not feeling those things. Not because of you. Because it is me. Me, me, me.

FU-U-U-CK.

Give in or fight to get out.

Today Amy feels like a rolling ball of broken glass.

Rollin-Rollin-Rollin...

Sharp on all edges.

With…

Black outlines. The roots, of a flower.

She gets the color soon.

But right now, it’s black.

I’m not mad. I need a life. A life outside, of life. A life I have never seen. It’s a little sad, but it’s not enough for me to want to apologize.

Again.

Your willingness to lie is unnerving. Too heavy, for me to forget.

If I can’t forget, I can’t forgive.

This is going to be hard for both of us.

I want something to do.

Something else, to do.

Because…

IT DIDN’T MEAN ANYTHING.

I don’t believe you.

You lie.

I HAVE NO MORE I WANT TO SAY TO YOU!

How do I do this?

What will the silence of today hold?

How do I do this?

Roadblocks.

When dusk becomes dark, she stays focused on the white sparks flashing about, two or so feet from the ground.

One step closer...

I remember standing at the door looking in. The bathroom was to the left. A nice bathroom with a walk-in closet. There was also a big jacuzzi style tub. To her right, there was a big picture window. It looked out to a baby Palo Verde tree, with a brown backdrop. Directly in front of her is a queen-sized bed which she has known since a very, young age. She is scared to go in but does so a little unwillingly.

Come on Amy…

She walks around the bed by the side of the window as her mother tells her to say goodbye. She wishes she would never have left. She wishes that she were still there, for a moment.

Frozen with time.

Is that what saved me?

I will never know. Outside I go.

Dot. Dot. Dot.

What would it be like today?

Would it be different?

Where we too far behind?

Could we have made it?? My fucking hair!!! I see it floating in the air!

Hey-hey.

Hey…

How, who, when, what, where…why???

(The story of my life.)

I feel for him. I am sorry. I want to be there.

But I don’t.

But I do.

Yes no, maybe so. Outside I go.

Lol.

Adamant Amy.

That is what she is. She does what she says, and she says what she means.

When she sets her mind…look out.

It’s pretty outside. It’s beginning to, glow.

Purple.

I woke up scared. At whatever time it was in the morning. More than once. I tossed and turned and tossed and turned. Woke, up. Fell asleep. Woke up, again and again. Dreaming, the whole time.

Ya know…I took and take all, of his rules and regulations. Treat me with respect.

She keeps saying when she gets better. There is no getting better, mom.

How do you say that, in the softest way possible? A million times at that.

How do I say goodbye?

Soon...

The choice of word. I love you to pieces mom.

My heart aches.

But…

Lol.

You’re wrong.

I see no end.

I saw no end last night, anyway.

One thing after another. Good things. Bad, things. Funny things, sad things. Normal things.

Every, thing.

Btw…

0+1+5+5+5+2+0+2+3+1

Aummm…

It’s almost over. She needs to figure it out before the end. This is where she is now, and this is where she will always be. On the outside. Looking inside.

Watching...

Her spot has not changed since the last time she was here. There is still no room, which makes her a little crazy. But maybe that is the reason why this isn’t over. Good evening.

It’s 11:25 PM.

I have to tell you it didn’t last long. Maybe, three hours.

The reason for that is that it’s Amy. It always has been.

Amy, Amy, Amy.

Yep.

It’s all about Amy. Lol. She thought that she was done. Well she wanted, to be done.

It’s never-ending.

It will never be over. Not as long as she is here. And here is where she is.

Her spot.

Where will she be in a year?

Here?

Who knows…

Not, Amy.

She’s busy. She has places to go and people to meet. Things to do, and letters to write.

Maybe.

She doesn’t know. She has never known.

In this moment Amy feels good. She keeps moving forward. And somethings, seem to be falling into place. Lol. Seem…

She does know that she needs to figure out other things before she gets lost. Lost…

Because we all have the same shirt on.

But different.

14+97+20+44

Hey…

You...

What do you see?

(He can’t smell his own shit on his knees). Lol. Nope. That’s a song. Sometimes she feels she’s got to run away. But she can’t. She needs to see the endocrinologist first. She will hopefully, finally, get the answers that she needs.

Yep.

Still a waiting game. Wait, wait, wait….

That’s what she does. While we wait Amy is going to try and figure out something new to do.

Hmmm?

Maybe she’ll start sewing again. She used to love, to sew. That was back when she had this thing called patience. That is no more.

Example, she wishes that she never started this. Lol. But…but she loves letters. She loved letters. People don’t write letters anymore. They type emails.

Maybe that is something new that she can learn to do.

In the time being, we will wait.

Wait, wait, wait…

The kids are good. They are busy with their lives.

Jason and Amy are busy with their lives too. They both have learned quite, a bit. Mainly, she has learned that she cannot control her emotions like a normal human being.

She feels. That’s all she does.

Oh.

And she thinks.

Example-

Where will I be in a year?

Here?

Who knows...

She needs to get her head ready for her appointment on Monday.

Stop letting them make her feel stupid. Her head is never ready.

She doesn’t know how this will turn out, or if it will turn out at all. This is just something that she has to do. Still. She feels almost done. Not quite. She sees the endocrinologist soon. She will hopefully finally get the answers that she needs. Yep. Still a waiting game.

Wait, wait, wait…

It’s freezing!

Six degrees.

With, no wind. Nor breeze.

Nope.

Time to, man up Amy!

Talk to them Amy! Tell them what you know. Or think, you know. Get answers. Ask questions.

Ask him the right ones.

Not the wrong ones. (If she could figure those out.)

Good morning!

Today is Sunday. Game day, Sunday.

Go Lion’s!

I hope Aaron is wearing his Lion’s hat. But first thing, we are going to paint. Early, because Jason has to sleep. He needs to go to work tonight. It is going to be a busy week. This week will be busier from all the other weeks.

This week is a new beginning. She’s, different.

Her blood pressure may be a little high. Understandably, so. She doesn’t know. She sees her doctor in Saline at the end of this month for her yearly physical. She’s taken all the tests for who knows what, already. To maybe answer general questions that were already answered once or twice, or a billion times before. See?

It’s beginning again.

Circles.

Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and then Monday again. Full of appointments.

Bam, bam, bam.

That’s good, I guess.

One down…

Three to go.

Her blood work is balanced. As good as she can be at this time.

But…

But the first and the only thing he told her was that she is post-menopausal. She was there for her thyroid. He did change that. And then he asked to see her in six months. Or a year. She jumped at a year because there was no reason for her to be here.

Onto, other shit.

The only thing on Amy’s mind today is Jason’s job. His interview is tomorrow.

I sure hope something positive comes from this. Who knows what will happen? But I will be there to support him. I do support him. I always have. I am here.

It’s almost over.

And then what??

Seriously, what is going to happen if Jason does not get this promotion? I have no idea how I am going to feel. But how is he going to feel?

I want to ask, but he will say that I am being negative. And that he doesn’t want to talk, nor think about it. So, he doesn’t.

But Amy does.

She’s thinking ahead and getting prepared for what may come.

Or not, come.

Nothing negative.

What is wrong with being ready for bad news?

If it is bad.

Hopefully not.

But in a sense if we discussed it, he’d be ready. If it is a good answer, then the sting won’t hurt so bad. No harm done. Just a plan.

Be ready.

Balance the emotion before it even presents itself. That way he won’t feel so defeated. If a negative answer is the answer that he receives.

11:11 123

Now if this turns out bad, what is he going to do? I’ll tell you right now, he has no idea. He needs to figure that out. Still, yet, whatever. Things have been better. But I know it is still there. And it’s in my head. Because I am delirious. (Not so forgotten) Lol. For the sick and rotten.

I am…

Hmmm?

I am curious. I am curious as to why I moved the desk like this. There is no other way to put it.

There is no room.

As she sits here, she looks out to the window that faces Cathy with a K’s trailer. She notices that her garbage can is crooked. And now she sees that her clock is behind her. Because it had to be moved, if the desk was to be moved. Good thing her neck doesn’t hurt. She noticed that when she shut her curtains. She feels that it is cozy when it’s darker. She doesn’t get the urge to go out when she can’t, see out. Among other reasons. Plus, the snow is melting as we speak. I can hear it drip from the roof.

The new roof.

This was the busy week of the month. She went to the endo doctor on Monday. The next time she sees him is next year. Tomorrow, she goes for her yearly exam. What more do they need?

Hurry it up!

Let’s get this done.

She has things to do before this starts over. All she has left is her teeth and her physical medicine, and rehab doctor on Monday. That’s it. Except that she wants to see Sharon.

For it’s been awhile.

How has she been feeling? Okay.

That’s how.

More than a reason to see Sharon.

Btw…

The Lions are playing in the NFC championship tonight.

It was a great first half. 24-7. Right now, it is tied at 24. The living room is now strikingly sullen.

For good reason.

It is also for good reason for Jason to turn into an asshole.