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My life had gone random again! Over the last two years the Covid crisis had changed my job hours and placed me, along with seventy percent of the population, in a work-from-home environment. I learnt, most times, to expect the unexpected and had adopted two pets - family - for company: Judah, a bulky Fox Terrier; and Amelia, a Moggy cat, with half her tail missing. 

Sometimes work would get very busy and dense with hours. I would forgot life, as I plugged into and toiled through mountains and valleys of brain teasers that needed to be solved. I was the abstract person, detached enough to think laterally, a wheel horse to a practical team of wheel horses. Yes! And then I would snap out of work log, like this morning, when my hours got cut and remembered the times we now live in!

I did not have financial concerns! None! I was a quiet, frugile stay-at-home person. Admittedly, I really disliked my routine being changed; that was the difficulty for me! Spare time, too much spare time! It was not forever, but felt like a forever! The new year rush would bring back a plethora of labour demands BUT now it was only late September. I had to breath! Really I had to breath! I had to notice the walls around me! Stop that! Walking around in my kitchen not doing anything! Oh my god!!! Oh no! Breathing-panting- maybe hang the washing out! I was having a panic attack! I hated panic attacks! My mind was bouncing and shouting at the same time. I needed to think rationally! I could not! Turning the tap on, I filled my glass. The crunch of foil and turn of a tablet onto my tongue gulping down with water.

The placebo effect worked immediately and calm came while waiting for the comfort of valium to enter my bloodstream and brain. 'Let's see", I narrowed my brow! How would I fill in these hours in a positive way? Well, I like reading books! That's a fresh thought! Yes! I could browse a few novels on the Kindle library! The imagery loosened my chest and my neck settled to a mild twang of pain. I was starting to come back, I would continue... Hmm, I was part of some internet communities I might need to read the latest posts? Yes I could feel my feet! I could feel my hands. I even felt a slow blink. Yes, I could do some gardening too! Meet up with some neglected friends... 

As an aside, my panic attacks were fairly new, well about two years old. I had become fixated in several dream groups on the idea of lucid dreaming. Browsing You Tube, I checked out some hypnosis videos on that subject. Warnings were posted in the description box, some in capital letters but I got bored and ignored it, after reading a couple. Then a video by a supposed worldwide renowned hypnotherapist, Erick Charkholme lured me. I linked the video into my Television, poured into the lounge in a satisfied manner and pushed play. An ocean began ebbing and flowing. A relaxing harmony of pipe, piano and wind chimes coiled in the background. I yawned when I started to see soft, white pillowed clouds. Sometimes I could see superimposed words like rest, relax, trust and obey. As I saw and heard a fire crackling, the bright red stayed in my mind and I heard the seduction of no return, "At the count of three you will close your eyes! 1, 2, 3..." I could not open my eyes, '...something different will happen in your dream something which will make you wake you up in your dream. I will always be there." That's all I remembered. I became unconscious! I awoke with a start to a snap of fingers and a loud "Now"

I felt totally unravelled and did not sleep at all the first night after the hypnosis. Then the trigger of "difference" appeared in my second night's dream. Australian currency has 100, 50, 20, 10 and 5 dollar notes plus 1 and 2 dollar gold coins. I saw a thirty dollar note! Bang- floating- flying- where was I??? Oh God- no falling off a rock face thousands of feet above sea level with lightning striking everywhere! I feel sick! I think I'm going to throw up! Wake me up please! Night after night this happened. Tossing and turning, then head in the toilet bowl. And staring at the ceiling at 3am desperate to get four hours sleep. Sweating, shaking, heart palpitations! And finally having a microsleep paralysis of full liminal excessive awareness. 

My day were as lifeless as my hair, skin and nails. My skin was dry and flakey. My hair would break as I brushed it, leaving tuffs in the brush and on the bathroom floor. My fingernails were brittle and both my right thumb nail had cracked and bled in the cuticle. Most of all I had lost my faculties to do problem solving and that meant the scrutiny of my employer. And best I take control and see my General Practitioner.before I get scolded.

"How are you Kerry" Dr Smythe said looking at my details on the screen. I said "Ok" He moved his mouse slightly. "I see you are due for a pap smear?" I frowned. Looking directly at me, "There are female doctors here when you feel more comfortable?" I looked at the ground feeling disgraced, "That's not why I'm here!" I blurted out the whole story; the nerves, the short temper at work, the sleeplessness, the vomiting!" Puzzled circular spectacles returned their gaze to the computer screen, "You have no history of panic attacks? He peered back at me. "When did these start?" I told him about the lucid dreaming hypnosis and it seemed like the rolling penny became a dropped penny! "Who was the hypnotist?" He reached over and put a band around my arm to gauge my blood pressure. Zipppp, that sound of Velcro tearing prompted my delayed answer, "Erick Charkholme". 

"Your blood pressures high! You know, I have a few psychiatrist colleagues..." I thought, " No, am I crazy?". Seeing my mouth drop, he paused then repeated, "You know, I have a few psychiatrist colleagues- who have handled several recent cases hypnostised on the internet. There is a cult who have fronts under fake Hypnotist names. Let's look, I have a list of the various names on file." While he did a file search, I remembered a buried subliminal, a word in the ocean sand. I moaned , "Oh- It had the word 'Obey' in the the video!" Turning the computer towards me I could see the enlarged list of at least ten names:

Freya Dens

Nancy Smith

Lorenzo Vastte

Winston Charles

Amilio Rezzos

Dr Phillip de Basilica

- And then -

Erick Charkholme!

I pointed at the culprit- Erick Charkholme!!!

The thirty dollar dreams did stop! I got back to almost effortless sleep and daytime problem solving. I gave up all the dream groups bar one called "Shared Dreams" Months of full time work had left me with quite a few messages and membership requests. I was still hesitant to allow Dragon13 into to our intimate, private all women's group. After a few telephone conversation I had met Dragon13, or Jon a few times for coffee. His Facebook wall was full of inspirational quotes with pictures of acquaintances, family and groups of people in all sorts of personal growth seminars. His vibe, to me, read a womaniser.

I did eventually invite him to my home. I remember the black Lexus paint was so new it was not blunt from a shammy cloth. He drove at snails pace avoiding stone chips from my dirt driveway. The car door opened like the red carpet was rolled for his leather pointed shoe with woven side and lace up front, most likely, Italian. He presented me with a Posie of marigold, lavender, baby breath, roses and a stick of cinnamon. He had to duck under the entrance, but the hallway and loungeroom was tall enough for him. He commented, "A house in this area would be pretty cheap rent?" And then exaggerated his pretense by starring at the three-seater lounge of floral embossed velvet I had scored from the local Op shop. I had also bought an scratched oval table too which I regularly polished with beeswax. He sat like a grasshopper, repositioned pillows at his back, stretching his legs out and then finally crossing his left ankle over his right knee to act comfortable.

I boiled the kettle and laid some marshmallow biscuits with a few slices of banana cake on a plate. He yelled, "Sorry have you got green tea for this time of the afternoon" I changed the teabags in the teapot and poured in the water. I laid the tray of afternoon tea on the coffee table near him. Waiting for the tea to steep I pointed at the sweets and said "Help yourself" He smiled a knowing smile, "No, I'm on a diet... High cholesterol" 

Deliberately diverging the moment, Jon enlarged his eyes and stared through the stain glass window. "My childhood was in a place like yours", he stated, "I really enjoyed your sprawling township, along the way with seeing cattle, horses, vegetable crops, kangaroos and chooks... He paused briefly to look at his phone, "...and yer I often dream about - um..." He started typing, "....umm sorry, work, umm- yer that's right, my childhood farm..." He regained his composure and stated clearly, "... I tried lucid dreaming to maybe relive and control those fond memories Of my childhood. I would really like to join your group- I would like the experience of a safe group- and connection?" As he pleaded in a new age man voice, my eyes crossed to a pointed jagged amethyst tied with leather around his neck. I had never looked at him properly in relation to his sexual magnetism. But this time I found myself looking at his thick jawbone, dark curly man bun, pruned beard, as linen draped over his wide shoulders. Then suddenly I was caught, he had that wild horse look in his left eye. He quietened his reaction and swallowed at the possibility I was attracted to him. No, I was merely the curious meeting the curiouser!

Jon's slightly pitying and clenched teeth shone at the gatekeeper, "Kerry let's do a shared dreaming session together?"Feeling intimidated, I ignored myself, "Well all you have to do is say your intention quietly before you go to sleep and I will do the same. Something like I will a shared dream with Jon- probably take three days-to-a-week, or even a month in some cases." He nodded and stood up. His presence and largeness dominated my space and suddenly I cringed feeling ike a little girl in a second hand dollhouse. I sheepishly and hating myself for it continued "We'll keep this private from the group! Text me if you start to dream!"

After a week I received a text.Thursday 3:27am.

"I was peddling a three wheeler kid's bike down a hill in my driveway; you were in the tray. To my left was a ghost gum trees and the pathway had edges of stiff dried grass. I was your older brother."

"The vibe of it felt a bit cocky and domineering. I said to myself, "Vibes don't lie" but then replied,  

"Oh the sort of three wheeler pedal bikes that get left outside in the rain and passed from older brother-to- younger siblings, then cousins then neighbours until it falls apart?"

He replies,

"Haha"

I introduced my dream

" I was in one of my three current dreamscapes: a field of wildflowers. Above me two large birds flew and their shadow fell and became physically heavy on my shoulders and the the sun was blocked out with an eclipse"

He wrote back,

Wow that's heavy!!!!

Night number two I had fallen asleep to another repeatative dreamscape. I was traveling tiny childhood home. Sometimes the home would be delapitated, other times burning and other times haunted rooms. This time the house had begun to burn I was at a distance and I was a passenger in the backseat of a car watching the fire engulf the house and jump onto the trees. I breathed out and my pets plonked on the floor from my leg movement. 

Friday 4am. I just had a dream that my childhood house had burnt and I was sitting in the backseat of a car watching"

Immediately.

 "Your pretty good at riding in the backseat huh!" I was driving the tractor and you were in a trailor with bails of hay. You were being thrown from side to side and your dog fell out and you screamed. I stopped and picked up your dog and said, "No dramas!"

I replied felling belittlement:

" Well we are dreaming similar, that's a good sign- perhaps- we could get passed the superficial together?"

He texted back.

Heart emoji, smiley emoji, stars in sky emoji

Night three. It was Saturday 11pm. I was walking along a dirt path there was chasm in a rock. I poked my head through to see a large old graveyard. I needed to walk thru to attend my Year Twelve finals test. I had no other path, no other choice, I had to walk through there! I held my breath as the fog descended on me and hummed a childhood song to myself.

At the school the test monitor that t said I was too late and had automatically failed and most of all to stop bothering him!

I penned it into a text to get the reply:

"Obvious your anxiety problems showing up.

Nah ha ha no dreams here... Some of us have real lives..."

I fell asleep again to be walking from a bus terminal. I could hear the sound of vintage bus brakes and the familiar art deco style shops appear walking upstairs wto my flat. Finding the keys I open the door again slowly. This place was always in a hundred different ways. There was the onerous dark, sticky shadow of a man appeared. I called to my angels and said No more!"

The phone rang, waking me up. It was Jon!

A woman yelled from the background "I'm going, this is ipsycho! Are U two doing the dirty on me? 'i'm your wife. You Creep!" He returned her accusations with "A no way. She's crazy" I heard slapping and banging as the phone dropped on the floor. Anger roared out of him as he picked up the phone, "I was driving the tractor, it began to rain. And you stood in front of me!" He stumbled his words, "And you- and you- and you were different. Your hair was tied back in a tight bun, you were dressed in tight black clothing- with long black boots..." He gasped for air, "...And you were smoking whilst a wild dog and lion tore at my flesh cracking my bones. I'm telling you once only - Never come near me or I'll call the cops!" He hung up.

I thought " Vibes don't lie" I kissed Judah and Amelia and thanked the angels for answering my prayer and chasing that old dragon called lust away.