A Wild Prairie Flower's Big City Dreams

I grew up in the vast prairies. There is a saying… that you could watch your dog get lost for 3 days out there running in one direction. The night sky on a clear night would blanket you with stars. Not sure why I have been bringing this up, other than I feel the land calling to me.

Calling me home.

When I first moved out to the big city over 10 years ago, I was a wild prairie flower with big city dreams. I longed to chase the city lights and the atmosphere that never slept; away from the uncivilized and boring existence I was made to endure in the uncompromising climate of the Prairies in Canada. 

On one level, I had dreams of superstardom - of being able to audition for some show or artistic piece and I would finally “have my big break”. My dreams about the big city were always a little half baked - not quite exactly fully formed; influenced far too much by friends that I thought meant well. 

On another and deeper level, I was running away from myself.

When I turned 18, which was the legal age in my home town - I thought that I would have an epiphany. That perhaps, I would all of a sudden inner stand what I was meant to do here in life. I thought that something; some vital piece of information would finally be made clear to my consciousness. Instead; I was delivered a very harsh truth.

My parents went through a divorce, my grandfather passed away… and my boyfriend broke up with me. All within the time frame of a year; the year I was supposed to transition from being a girl into a woman.

Apparently my emotional outbursts as a result of these incidents were…

Too much.

I felt like I was falling apart. My whole perfect identity that I had crafted, with people I thought I knew - was literally being ripped to shreds.

And so, I ran.

I ran from the pain, and away from the prairies… to the anonymity of the big city. The comfort of no one knowing my past, who I was, all of that pressure to be absolutely perfect. I would start from scratch.

I still remember the night before my one way flight to the big city, the last minute packing of all the things that represented who I was thus far into a single suitcase. Many things I shoved into my closet, to be revisited at some unknown point in time in the distant future. So young at the time, I had no idea how to pack for a new life. The packing was haphazard, unorganized and completely all over the place. Pretty much a mirror to my mental state at the time. 

When I first moved to the big city, I would spend afternoons exploring the city streets. I would have my headphones on with my favorite songs playing on repeat. I would pretend I was in some sort of movie or music video. 

And amid the big city lights, a new me was born. 

I dyed my hair, I got contact lenses - I no longer used the old nicknames that my friends fondly called me back in high school. I became the “big city” version of me. However, that is the thing about wild prairie flowers…

I never tamed my wild.

I kept the wild dormant, hidden behind a carefully crafted facade of stories and avoidance of talking about my past. I only had a few artifacts, from when I hastily packed that one suitcase 10 years ago. Despite this, I managed to make new friends - create a new life. I even met my husband and the love of my life here. I grew up a lot out here in the big city, but I have also seen the city change.

These days, I would no longer walk and explore the streets of the city with my headphones in and get lost in the music. Oh no, now I need to pay extra attention - to where I walk, to other people’s mental state, or even the neglect of others to notice that you are sharing the city with others. 

Once, the level of anonymity offered comfort to me - coming from a place where everyone knew something about you before you even met them. Now, the big city has a level of coldness that I never noticed before.

I could analyze for a lifetime what caused this erosion and decay of my perception of what the big city was. Is. May continue to be. Perhaps it is because those big city dreams of mine were never really mine, as I said - they were always a little half baked - not quite fully formed in my mind.

Or maybe it’s just a matter of the fact that the big city dream came true.

And it’s time to wake up.

And wake up to the fact that we can never fully outrun ourselves and who we are truly meant to be in this beautiful game of life. The side quest of travelling to the big city offered me the opportunity to meet my husband and important friendships that would not have occurred otherwise … if I simply stayed in the prairies. 

Now that I have lived as a wild prairie flower amongst the concrete, the cold boxes of condos and lack of starlight - I appreciate my home and where I am from. Turns out that I never left myself behind in the prairies at all, she was always with me, guiding me… learning along with me the lessons I needed to learn along the way.

I have learned to appreciate wide open spaces, the thrill of the unknown adventure - and the ultimate warmth of people who have learned to thrive as a community together. 

As I plan for my homecoming back to the prairies from the big city lights, I am reminded of that single suitcase that I came out here with - and now that that has magically transformed into a whole life. 

How am I ever going to pack to go back?