The Osprey

Dear Emmett, 

I watched the osprey fly across the lake this morning. He was searching for breakfast and after effortlessly diving into the stillness of the water, he came up short. He reminded me of you. 

Please, read this with your heart open, as it will be our last connection in this lifetime. I guess I could just text you but there’s not enough tangibility in that. I want you to feel the weight of my words as you read them, if you read them, and to touch the same paper that I held. I’m not looking for a response from you, but my therapist insists I owe it to myself to express these emotions. And, while you may have already tossed this letter aside, these words exist, these feelings are now material, even if unacknowledged. Just like me. 

Do you remember the airport before the trip to the coast? Going through security, the little girl was screaming because she had to let go of her stuffy to put it through the xray? You said “Wow, imagine being so attached to something you can’t even let go for 2 minutes.” 

I was inconsolable for hours after you left. I was attached. I loved you. I needed you. Do you understand what that means? When you left, I was still breathing. My heart was still beating. But my spirit was torn in two. I dove, with blind faith, into the lake and I came up empty handed and hungry. 

I should stop here, I’m only supposed to tell you that you’ve hurt me and I cried. It’s out there now and I can start healing. 

So here’s my final…

Farewell,

Courtney

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Dear Courtney,

Today, when I walked down to the mail boxes to get my mail, there was a guy jogging with his little dog. When the dog saw me, it started yapping incessantly until they were out of sight. It reminded me of you. 

That little girl at the airport wasn’t listening. She never had to take her eyes off that bunny; they were even going to let her watch it on the screen. They had to rip it from her arms for everyone’s safety. She didn’t deserve special treatment just because she “loved” it. Holding on that tight to something isn’t love. It’s toxic, stifling, abusive. If the bunny can’t breathe, is that love? If the bunny is torn limb from limb to protect everyone else, is that love?

Tell your therapist she should quit her day job. 

Leave me alone.

Emmett

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Dear Emmett, 

Why would you write such a hurtful letter to me? I can’t believe how much energy it takes loving you. And I do love you! I worship the ground you walk on and would do everything for you! I have accepted all of your flaws and supported you through everything. This isn’t how you treat someone you love. We’re meant to be together, I do let you breathe! You think I’m some horrible, smothering monster, but all I do is make sure you know you’re loved. Your problem is that you won’t let me in. You think the world has more or better to offer. But there isn’t more or better out there.

Just let me in. 

Courtney

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Courtney, 

Yeah, I did shut you out. How can I open my heart to you, if you would only keep it imprisoned from the world. My last letter to you was harsh, I’m sorry for that. The paper, it smelled like you, I’m sure you doused it in your perfume, but it made me remember holding you in my arms and breathing you in. I wanted to let you in, I wanted to hold you forever. But I also wanted to run away and live my life. I don’t want to be kept from achieving my dreams. I don’t want to be a prisoner of love. I have goals I’m working on and places I want to go. If I let you into my world, how will you keep up? What will you do? All you can say is “I will love you, I will support you.” There’s no substance there. There are no goals or aspirations. Your feelings may be material now, but your actions aren’t. You aren’t living life. You just hold me back and call it love. 

Emmett

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Emmett, 

You listen as well as the little girl with the stuffy. This is what I meant when I wrote that I’m unacknowledged. You don’t see me. You don’t see my goals, aspirations, or even my actions. I’ve told you, my goal is to support you in life. Whatever you need from me, I will give. I will keep the home, raise the kids, keep you clean and fed, and take care of all the little annoyances of life so that you can focus on your goals. That’s what I want. To be your rock. I’ve tried showing you this, but you weren’t paying attention. That’s why you need me, so you don’t have to pay attention to the little things. But I’m not a little thing. I deserve to be honored as your number one supporter. No. As your partner. The captain can’t go it alone, he needs his first mate.

I’m sorry you think I want to trap you and imprison you. That was never my intention. I felt neglected and ignored. I cried out for the attention I deserved. I don’t deserve to be left in hotel rooms while you go out to eat with friends. Sometimes I’m willing to go out on my own, but not every time. The more you shut me out and left me alone, the harder I had to hold on to get your attention. 

I don’t douse my letters in perfume, I don’t even wear perfume. Maybe you just miss me…

Forever,

Courtney

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Dear Courtney, 

That last one smelled like you, too. I do miss you. 

If I’m being honest, which you know is hard for me, my life has been a mess since I left. I can’t keep my schedule straight and twice I ran out of clean underwear before realizing that laundry is a recurring task. And it’s pretty lonely coming home to an empty apartment after a long day. I never realized how comforting it was knowing there was a hot meal and warm face waiting for me. Not waiting on me, but waiting for me. 

Emmett

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Dearest Emmett, 

I’m still waiting for you to come home.

Truly, 

Courtney

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Dear Courtney,

What does your therapist say about that?

Emmett

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Emmett,

She’s not quitting her job per your suggestion. She said she’s surprised you wrote back. I haven’t told her how many times.

Courtney

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Dear Courtney,

I will always write back. But now I’m beginning to wish I didn’t have to. Ever since I opened that first letter, my heart has been aching to come home to you. Call me if you want to try again. The ball is in your court. 

Love,

Emmett