God Give Me a New Beginning

"You are a pig!" Yelled the voice.

I thought: This must be Ken cuz who else would it be.

"God hates you!" it shouted.

"God will be happy to send you to down below!"

It kept calling me names and saying mean things to me. BTW, I can not see the voice, I can only hear it.

One day, the voice told me that the only way I can get him out is by killing myself. So, I went in the kitchen and grabbed a knife. I went in the bathroom.

The voice said," Stab your heart."

So, I was about to but I could not do it. I left the knife in the bathroom and left.

The voices got worse but I still believed them. One day, something bad happened (which I do not want to share). I spend the night at my mom's. I started believing that people could read my mind and I can read theirs. It gotten so bad that I thought everyone was talking about/or to me.

Then I started to see things. I saw clouds changing into an unicorn(I'll be happy) then it changed into a demon. Then the voice will tell me that I am a demon ( I'll be hurt). It happened a few times.

Sometimes, a voice tried to be nice so that I would believed everything that voice would say. The voice even made its voice sound like people I know. So that I believed it. I trust those people.

One day, the voices was too much and I grabbed a knife and went in the bathroom. I stabbed myself but it did not leave a mark. Then I (now I know it wasn't me) got even more angry, I stabbed myself even harder and now I was sad but still wanted to stabbed myself. But then I felt a hand trying to make dropped the knife. I dropped the knife and started crying.

Eventually, my mom and sister did not know what to do with me. Connie drove me to C-Pep. The doctors asked me a lot of questions. They said I was schizophrenic. I had to stay there for a month. So, I was in C-Pep and they gave me medicine. They asked me if the voices went away. I told them yes but they did not. I did not want to take the medication, I thought it could be poison or it was for someone. That was the voices telling me. I went in there in early August. When I first went in there I could not go outside. I felt alone. At night, I hear a woman (again I now know it was not her) saying mean things to me.

She said,"Just wait where you are going."(she means when I die)

I thought that an angel was speaking from her. The voices did not disagreed. They went along with it. I was afraid to do anything.

Once the voice said,"You are God."

"No," I said.

Thank goodness, who knows what else would it said to make me believed in. The programs I had while in C-Pep was humor, music, and a class to get ready for Pros. I began to eat more. I remembered that my mom and sister coming to see me every day. Sometimes, my stepdad came too. Sharlene (half-sister) came once. I finally went home. It was in the late 20s in August.

So, I went to Pros three days out of a week. I also had to take pills. I gained a lot of weight. When they realized that I was gained too much weight they took me off that medication and put me on a different one. A shot every week. I also went to see a therapist. She asked us(Ann and I) questions. But I felt like it did not helped. They asked if the shots are working and told them yea but they was not.

The voices came back and again I believed them. So, it got bad. My mom brought me to church. I can not remember what the sermon was about but I kept on going. The more I went , the more I learned about God. I learned that God does love me. God doesn't want anyone go down below. God doesn't hurt my soul. He does not me to be confused. He wants me to know the truth. God wants a relationship with me. He encouraged me when I wanted to give up. I now know the truth because of God. He does not make anyone do anything if they do not want to. The demons (which at this time I didn't know) moved my hand and head. Sometimes, they try to trick me in believing they are but really they not. It's hard to explained. But back to God, God is patient even when I tend to be mean. God is forgiving even when I can not forgive myself. He is teaching me to not be so hard on myself and anyone else. Which it is really hard. He is teaching me to not be afraid of anything including demons. He already fought them and won. He is teaching me to lean on Him for my future. I am afraid of my future. He is teaching me to grow in my faith. Although, it is hard to keep the faith even when doubt comes. He is also showing me which thought are mine and which are the demons. And also feelings. Which are mine and which are the demons.

I am not schizophrenic. I still hear the demons but if they say anything bad and mean to me and try to blame it on someone else I know they are lying. I am grateful that I know the truth. I am grateful that God loves me too much to leave me in my mess even when I cause it. I am grateful that I do not have to take medication. I am grateful that God never give up me. Jesus is God.