Alone

A white car passed by in the lonesome night, the bright lights of the headlights flashing onto a huddled figure leaning on its back on the roadside bench as the car dashed past. The mysterious figure seemed to stir from a deep stupor as she looked back and forth the roadside she had chosen to brood in.Anne blinked twice, and then, as if coming to her senses about where she was only now, abruptly stood up. She was staring blankly, not even paying attention to the bag that just fell from her lap, she slowly raised her hand wide eyed, and clasped the thin air, as if to touch something that was not there.

The air was cold, as was expected of a winter night. And yet, the seemingly alone lady did not seem to be making any arrangements to go anywhere. She was staring at her fist, suspended in mid-air from the attempt of trying to seize nothingness. Her eyes warily shifted from her hand, and focused on the bright light of the street lamp in a daze. The half visible moon’s reflection glinted off her painted dark lips that were tightened into a scowl.

She stood erect for a minute, not moving a muscle, as she pondered over something in her mind. A minute later, her head turned in hesitation, and then she gave an exasperated sigh. She threw her hands up and sank back into the otherwise empty wooden bench. Worry lines formed all across the pale forehead as she glowered at her lap with trying to decide something.

After a moment, she hastily bent down, reaching for the fallen handbag, and brought it to her side. With a resigned posture, she started rummaging inside the bag, fishing out a phone. Her eyes twitched at the phone in hesitation. A few minutes passed as she sat stiffly while cars drove past. It was getting late, she knew. But was there anyone who would care to ask if she disappeared for more than a few hours? No, Not really. She was doomed with loneliness in this cold night filled with strangers. And yet…just one phone call…a few numbers to dial…and then a few words to be said. That was all it would take to stop being alone, guilty and miserable. But the ego made it harder, as if her fingers were made of solid concrete.

“Think of what is best for you, Anne, Just do what you have do” Anne started muttering, wringing her hands.

She leaned her head towards the clasped hands on her lap until her forehead touched them. After a moment, her arched back shuddered and she sat up properly, looking wearily at her phone while pursing her lips.

After a sigh, she slowly closed her eyes and steadily leaned against the rails of the bench,not intending to nap, she will call Sarah, Anne promised herself. But first, she needed to think out how exactly to approach her daughter, it wouldn’t be easy. It has been 6 months since Sarah left, and it must not have been easy for her either.

Maybe, she thought, it is better to try process what she had said and gone through when she confronted me. Think of it from her perspective. Couldn’t a mother do it for her daughter? Not be selfish, as Sarah had put it last time she spoke. It couldn’t hurt.

“The best way…is probably thinking of what happened, and then unraveling the situation by taking everyone’s point of view into consideration” Anne murmured, repeating the words of her therapist with her eyes still closed.

Her lower lip trembled as she recalled each bits of the agonizing moments.

“Mom?”

“Yeah hon?”

Silence. It took a minute for Anne to register that she hadn’t got an answer from her daughter in the backseat of the car.

Maybe it was the hangover from seeing her high school friends after a year. But it was still distressing to see her 19 year old being so unusually quiet in the car. She glanced at the rear view mirror, to see Sarah sitting in the center of the backseat with her eyes closed and lips pressed tight in a determined expression. Did she start practising meditation? She never liked meditation before did she?

Shouldn’t she ask if she was okay? Did she fight with someone at their party? Was she sleeping? No definitely not sleeping, Anne decided.

Slowly reducing the speed, Anne parked the car at the side of road and turning off the engine, she twisted he in an attempt to survey her daughter’s face more clearly.

“Hon?”

After a moment of delay, Sarah hummed in response, somehow strange to Anne’s ears.

“Is everything okay? Did you have a fight? It has been a year since everyone graduated and parted ways, maybe someone got too upset with all the noises, I’m sure it is not your fault, don’t blame-”

“Mom, stop.” Sarah’s eyes opened her eyes, something glistened in her eye for a moment.Her dulcet voice had turned…harsh.

Anne couldn’t understand, did she say something while coming to pick her up that might have upsetted her? She couldn’t remember. She couldn’t stand the sight of her usually cheerful daughter looking so depressed.

“Sarah, what’s wrong?” asked Anne, her hand automatically reaching out to brush against her cheek. “Did someone say something? I’m sure they didn’t mean-” her voice faltered as Sarah warily avoided the hand that had tried to reach out.

Sarah looked up at her mother, her eyes adamant-looking.

“I want to ask you something.” Sarah said, not moving her eyes from Anne’s perplexed face.

“Yeah sure of course darling” Anne replied a second late, her voice strained.

Sarah’s eyes turned icy, and her firm steely expression stood out in such a chubby face.

“Who am I to you?”

“M-my daughter, why-question-” stammered Anne, trying to grasp at where her daughter was heading at.

“So, don’t you think” Sarah began, with gritted teeth. “that I have a right to know, not be lied to, especially not by you who has the sole responsibility of telling me?” her voice quavered.

Anne felt taken aback by her daughter’s question. What was she driving at? What had happened that must have upsetted her little pumpkin so much? Is she blaming her for some quarrel they might have had?

“Muffin, what are you talking about?” She thought of reaching out towards Sarah again, But deep inside, somewhere in a corner of her mind, she was afraid her hand would be rejected again. No, she could not face the agony that would follow such a gesture. As small as it may be, it had a certain profound significance.

Sarah sighed, letting her body slumb back against the back seat. She inhaled deeply, blinking rapidly, not being able to look into her mother’s concerned eyes anymore.

She turned her head towards the window.

“D-did you by any ch-chance lie to me about my-my birth and p-parentage?” She mumbled, her voice breaking in the end.

Anne’s face became a poker face as she realized what this was about, and it hit her like a big weighed sack in the face as she read her daughter’s puckering face.

Sarah’s fingers placed on her side twitched, drawing Anne’s eyes to it, and she saw a crumpled paper inside her fist. But Anne couldn’t think straight, she was baffled by her own stupidity. How could she be so irresponsible? Sarah was 19 for crying out loud. She should have been told about this by her. And way sooner.

But an explanation could still be given, and Sarah would still understand it…right?

Sarah took a deep breath, and looked back at her mother’s serious face “You could have told me, you know? I wouldn’t have had to find this out from someone the way I did. I never thought your ego would be far more precious than your daughter’s right to know the truth.” She whispered.

Anne sighed, “I didn’t think it would affect you that much, I mean, we are still family, we still love each other, and we have each other to live with. Isn’t that what truly matters?” Anne’s words seemed silly to Sarah. That’s it. She could not stand it. She will not. And before she could stop herself, she blurted out frustrated,

“Yeah that is the problem, you are so selfish that you didn’t think how it would affect someone else. Do you-do you know how heartbreaking it was for me? FOR ME?”

“There I was,” Sarah interrupted what Anne was about to defend. She didn’t care now. How could someone break her trust like that? Her voice became shrill as she continued, “at that damn party, talking about how no one could be closer than- than us, and th-then Rachel approaches me wi-with this list.” She thrust forward the crumpled paper towards Anne’s face who couldn’t focus on anything else other than her daughter’s face.

Sarah smoothed the wrinkles on the paper with her hands on her lap and raised it again to Anne’s stupefied face.

Anne’s eyes moved from left to write as she read the typewritten words on the creased paper. It was indeed a bill, marked by a date 19 years ago, there were a number of names under one column, and in another column parallel to the first, was the date they had gone and signed up for the IVF.

As Anne expected the moment she saw the date and name of the clinic, she saw her name as the second last one in the first column, with the date she had signed up nine months before Sarah entered her life.

Her whole body suddenly went rigid and froze. Reality hit her, how could she be so foolish of keeping something like that from her daughter? Sarah deserved to know that so-called father’s death in an accident was not true, that it was said only because Anne never bothered to ask who the sperm-provider was, and didn’t know who her daughter’s biological father was. Why would she care as long as she got what she wanted? A person she could live with, not a man to depend on, but a person that would not make her feel alone. And a child was the option that had come to her, but she did not want a man who she would have to always wait for. So what better way than use the IVF technique? Anne had thought then.

And telling Sarah might have made her feel less dignified, embarrassed and maybe even hurt, and she couldn’t let the reason of her existence’s face fall into a frown even for a moment…

Sarah inhaled sharply, breaking the silence, looking at her open palms.

“Rachel’s mom works there, she was throwing out a few files and found your name in one of them. Rachel thought I knew. Apparently I had to be the one to know it last” Sarah scoffed. “I’m not angry that you did this, even if I don’t understand why. I’m-I’m just heartbroken that you lied to me about this for 19 years. And never even once cared enough to correct my impression.” A tear splashed onto her velvet skirt.

“And you know what mom? I don’t think you wanted me around after graduation because you were scared for me, it was because you didn’t want to be lonely. you didn’t want to live alone. you didn’t tell me the truth. you didn’t care, as long as you had what you wanted.” she shrieked hysterically.

Anne budged slightly, a spasm of pain hit her as she took in Sarah’s words. “Honey, no, I wanted to …-” her voice wavered.

Sarah waited in silence for a minute.

She sighed once. She focused on breathing evenly. And then she slowly shook her head, looked up at her mom’s helpless face,

“I’m sorry mom, if you had just not been selfish, and told me the truth, I would never even dream of doing this. But now, I need space. I just can’t put up with this. I’m really sorry.” she said, with a sob.

When Anne didn’t respond, she continued, “Stella is staying in a flat right across the road, and I don’t think she would mind a roommate until I can find a good enough place to move into. Or maybe I will just stay there itself.” Her voice was resolute.

Anne’s head snapped up, “What? No, of course not, Sarah, we- we can-” she stammered

Her 19 year old daughter shook her head, slowly edging towards the door with one hand on the handle. “This is what I want, mom. I might come to take my stuff to move out. I…sorry.”

Everything inside Anne started screaming in agony, asking her to stop her daughter, to apologize. But her ego was stronger, she couldn’t move a muscle as Sarah slowly stepped out of the car, only looking back to wave a goodbye with wet eyes.

Anne sat frozen. Not moving until she felt the evening get darker and darker. It was a slow drive and it felt different, like she was dreading the way each step inside her empty house would sound without another lighter footsteps to follow.

Anne opened her eyes again as a honking car passed by in the cold night. Surprised, she touched the edges of her eyes, her fingers came up wet.

Yes, she had indeed been more selfish that she could afford to, and more so by never making a move to apologize for her tactlessness, she can see tat now.

With a jolt, her eyes jumped towards her phone. She took it into her hand without hesitation.

With shaking fingers, she dialed the number she knew by heart, a number dialed many times, but never called in the last six months.

Her hands were steady as she pressed the phone onto her ear. She felt the cold wind sweep against her face as she waited for Sarah to pick up the call.

At the fourth ring, the call was picked up, and a stunned voice answered,

“Mom?”

Anne stared ahead as she tried to remember how to open her mouth again,

She could never explain how much she missed the soft soothing voice, and the sound of her laughter ringing throughout the halls.

“Hon?” Anne just didn’t know how to tell her how much she loved her.

And then, realizing this was maybe the last chance she might get, Anne rushed on,

“Listen, muffin, I…I am so sorry, you were right, I should have told you. I was just…just afraid that you would leave me when you realized that I don’t even know your father.

I was never a fan of marriage, but you know that, and I didn’t want a man in my life like the others. But I did want someone, someone to live for, someone to lean on, someone to laugh with until my place is dug in the cemetery, and I found a way to have a special someone like you without many complications. I was just…happy that I could live forever with you that I didn’t want any reason for you to leave, even if you eventually would have to. I was so…shallow, but I lied because, you were the most precious gem of my life, pumpkin, and I couldn’t stand seeing anything make you feel less than happy,…I just thought you would be better off without the truth, but I was wrong, I know I broke your trust. An old protective mother’s mistake. I was so intent upon…making you feel not sad even for a moment, that I went to the extreme of lying to you and eventually hurting you. I…never meant to, hon. I shouldn’t have been so selfish to keep you with me fore-”

“Mom” Sarah’s quiet voice interrupted her mother. “Stop blaming yourself. I’m sorry too” her voice broke. “I overreacted, I should have never left you, knowing that was exactly what you were afraid of. And I should have just called you, but I couldn’t, I-”

“You just felt like there was something stopping you from doing it?” Anne asked softly,

“Yeah mom, I am so sorry, I should never have blamed you totally. And I definitely should not have overreacted like that, even if there were a lot of things going on.” Anne heard a sigh from the other side.

Her lips were slowly stretching across her wet face and she couldn’t help it.

“Sweetheart, I love you, I need you to know that, its okay to overreact sometimes, what matters is that if we really meant it and if we would try to make amends when we get a chance. Don’t blame yourself for overreacting, you are only human, and mistakes happen from time to time.”

There was silence from the other side as Sarah took all of it in,

“I love you too mom, I am sorry I wasn’t the one who hadn’t called. And you’re right, I will always stay with you, and we will be a family forever. I will never leave you alone mom”

“and…um…could you pick me up and my stuff? I’m getting tired of Stella’s home rules and routines.” replied Sarah nervously with a broken half-laugh.

Anne’s forehead relaxed, as her face beamed at her daughter’s words,

“Sure, hon, Of course. I will pick you up in 5 minutes.” replied a smiling Anne.

With her phone pressed against her ear, she stood up with her bag, and suddenly she saw a different kind of meaning for her cold night. She would never be alone, even if she dies, she will always live in her daughter’s heart.

She strutted towards her car,grinning from ear to ear, intending to pick her daughter up after swooping her up for a hug, telling her how much she loves her. Like a mother.