Midnight Talk

Self-reflection is necessary for growth, when you lose yourself to fear. It might not seem that way, but every day we experience something that changes the way we see ourselves, it doesn’t matter how small it is, if we think it isn't good, it will always affect us in ways we do not enjoy.

“Why couldn’t you handle this like them”?

“Why didn’t you act like them”?

Those are recurring thoughts I have at the end of my day. I don't want them, but this is what I desire from myself, so that’s what keeps rolling around my head every time I go to sleep.

“Why are you not just like them”?

“Why can’t you just be like them”?

The way I am the way I developed, no matter what I did I couldn’t understand it. I tried my hardest to be like them, but nothing happened, Just the feeling of blindness.

“They will treat you differently because I am not like them”

“You will never get what you desire because I am not just like them”

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I knew I had lost something. The only way I could feel like myself was in my own space in my own world. One which I was not fulfilled anymore.

“Why are you doing this, when they are doing that”

“What makes you feel so out of it, why can’t you live just like them?

I always had a fear of being rejected, I kept on comparing how my peers developed and how I felt they were better than me. How they were living life submerged me in my self-doubt, as I began to feel a distinction.

“Why do I feel like nobody likes me”

My thoughts went from being obsessive to being fearful, the smallest interactions with others, even approaching my friends and family simply scared me because I felt they were something I could not identify with like they didn’t see me as one of them.

“They will leave you”

“Without them you are nothing”

It was a shame to notice how some dynamics with my closest friends have changed. Things felt awkward. My actions felt out of place. I was nervous, as without them I felt like my self-esteem drowned in a sand glass, slowly filling up until it turned into a heavy weight that I felt incapable of lifting.

“Am I feeling like everything changed because I am not like them, or is it because I am not like myself”?

I look back at my younger self, no fear, no obsession, just me doing what It feels like climbing a mountain now. How was that so simple? How was being true to myself so simple?

“Am I the reason for my own self-doubt”?

I always noticed how people around me expressed themselves, always knowing what to say, what to do, and what to think. It all was so alien to me, I tried to put myself in their shoes, but the more I tried to be just like them, the less I recognized myself.

“I am the reason for my own self-doubt”

So many times I thought I could have given more of myself, but I couldn't, I chose what was easy, I chose comfort and like a blood test I repeatedly rescheduled because of fear I knew one day my decisions did not matter as sooner or later I would have to confront my fears I just didn’t want to do it. I did try, but Every time I did, I was met back with memories of the past, my failures, how I was treated, and how I reacted to it all built up into an insecurity that placed a blindfold on my eyes.

“Why can't I feel like myself”?

I felt uneasy going through all the memories, my obsession with change came from all the torment my old peers put me through, planting a seed that deep-rooted a belief that I was not enough, because I was not them. I was naïve, I wanted to see life just like they did so I did just that, I became a reflection, a façade I knew was false, but I cared as much as a dead-beat dad care about his son, all I just wanted was to be anything but that weak person I perceived as my own.

“How can I feel like myself again”?

Before bed I looked up at the dusk sky in my backyard while thinking about all the bad, I was doing to myself, I looked within my mind, and I defied those thoughts, as I knew a time to change was coming. So much self-doubt came to a breaking point after so much time I came to understand that those thoughts don't control me, I control them.

“I am not alone”

There are times I find myself in an ocean I can’t control, it frustrates me, and the fact I can’t choose where to go makes me feel helpless as if I can’t be perfect. Everyone around me I perceived as just the way they talked and the way they developed was something I saw far from my reach as if it was impossible for me to achieve, but in that distractive storm I saw a clear sky in the distance as my thoughts gathered to realize I was the one to blame.

“Why do you want to be like them”?

While fidgeting my whole body inside of my blankets I was beginning to discover every single piece of cloth that damn blindfold was made of. So many times, I have proven myself just for myself to put that blindfold back on and think of that as a fluke. All I wanted was constantly to do the things they did without fear of my shortcomings, but I knew that was impossible because to be human is to be imperfect.

“Who am I”

All my life I knew I was a certain way, not like them. As a kid I was constantly afraid to act, I saw myself as lesser than them because I was not capable of doing what others did, so a certain idea of them began to form in my subconscious, an idea of unattainable perfection, making me believe my whole life I had to be like them. That thought restrained me as deep down I knew that's not who I was meant to be. I was meant to be me.

“...”

The less I thought about them, the clearer image of myself started to form. A new self. Now fear is not in control rather hope is. As I feel the blindfold slipping, I am able to see things for what they truly are. My past experiences have taught me one thing and that is no matter who you are we all have our moments where we fall.

When I failed, I fell, the more I did the more I picked on myself for not being perfect, like them. I am so afraid even though that blindfold was beginning to slip I am aware I would make a mistake again; my sweat began to form making its way down to my bed as those thoughts attacked me once again.

“What if I forget what to say”?

“What if I forget what to do”?

“What if I forget how to do things properly”?

“What if all I learned is fake and I am always supposed to be afraid …”?

“It all may seem overwhelming now, but that's only how we see it at the moment.”

“Why?”

“We develop these thoughts, we think we are not enough to ourselves, and to the people around us, wishing we could be like them, just because of our shortcomings, but that's all a lie as they all also have their own shortcomings, like we do, to make mistakes is not bad, the good thing about it is that we can learn from them and comparing the success others earn by being true to themselves will only make you be a part of a cycle, one that only brings discouragement.”

“What about me”

“We all have good traits and bad traits we bring into the world, and it is only ourselves the ones responsible for choosing which one you’ll place your focus on. Neither can be fully eradicated, as both of our traits make us who we are.”

“So how do you know we will be fine”

“We are not able to achieve what they had, but is not because of who we are, it all falls upon what we had done to do so. Fear made us susceptible to catching various fake beliefs about ourselves that were reinforced by our thoughts, which only made things worse as they restrained us from doing only what we were comfortable with. But to achieve what we want to achieve we must grow, get out of comfort, and do; we must understand that perfection is a creation of our fear because when you fail doesn’t mean you are worthless it means you are learning and the more you get out there and do the things you want to do and not what fear wants to, you will achieve what you want, this only can be achieved if you respect me, trust me, and love me however because if you don’t then how else do you expect to be.”

We are all able to towards great things. Life is a gift that gives us the opportunity to change. To evolve into the person, we want to become. Regardless of what we choose to do, we will get there; one way or the other. Self-reflection leads you to find yourself, no matter how far we stray, is a beautiful ability we will always have when you want to find yourself in the midst of our own doubt.

Midnight Talk.