A Moment We're Made For

If I knew what to expect, everything would’ve been so much easier. But the thing about the future is you can never truly know until it's past. You can predict, calculate, hope, I did a lot of that for years. I had dreamt of this moment since the day I opened my eyes, I was always told this is what I was meant to do. I envisioned that moment in the spotlight down to the last second, every year, month, week, day, leading up to my moment. My life. 

“You’re such a beautiful singer!”

“Thank you! My ma says so too!”

“Well she’s right. You’ll be a star one day, maybe even perform in front of thousands of people. Don’t waste that talent.”

“Really?”

“Of course!”

“I’ll perform one day you’ll all see!”

I was born into a family steeped in talent with little success. I was meant to be the one. The one that would shine so bright, so that I’d never be overlooked like my parents, like my cousins, like my siblings. I’d be unstoppable all I needed was the chance and I was given it. 

I wanted to sing.

“Once more.”

“But ma my voice hurt- cough cough”

“You’re fine. Drink your tea. Run it again.”

No, I didn’t just want to sing. I wanted to perform at the grand stadium, for the ‘big game’ to be the centerpiece of the most successful game in history. I dreamt big but I trained harder. Every day began at 5:30 am and ended at 10 pm, not a minute later. I worked to be the perfect candidate and trained my voice, body, and mentality. I worked hard in school and even more so in the studio. I was kind, I was pretty, and I was smart. I was as perfect as I needed to be. No, as I was, I was wholly perfect. 

“Don’t you ever rest?”

“I don’t have the time.”

“You look exhausted.”

“I’m fine.”

It was grueling and entirely awful yet at some point it became habit. It was a habit to help the people around me, habit to push myself to be better. It was a habit to fall asleep on the dot, a habit to notice the imperfections. 

I never forgot why I did it all though. I’ve always been told that to truly perform, you have to be authentically you. A you that everyone will love and sometimes that version of you needs a little help. I felt to deserve my moment, the one I dreamed of, I needed to become something that was almost me. 

“Look at you! I haven’t seen you in so long! Gosh you’ve grown.”

“I suppose I have.”

“Don’t suppose you're so lovely now. I mean gosh you were such an annoying child. But now?”

“Now I’m better.”

When that letter arrived welcoming me to the spotlight, after 23 long years I knew it was my time. The days leading up to it were agony. I wished for time to just move faster and then the day arrived.

“Come on come on! We’re gonna be late!”

“My dear relax. We’ve got seven hours before we even have to be there.”

“I know. I’ve just, I’ve been looking forward to this for so long.”

“I know, but it’s not going anywhere. Relax.”

When I got to the arena it was loud, so very loud. The stage was huge, it felt like I would be swallowed by it. 

“Remember how hard we worked for this moment.”

“We? Yeah, I guess.”

“Of course! We are a team.”

I guess we were. Though it always felt like I was doing it alone.

“This is your dream. I’ve only supported you.”

When does it start?

“We’ve worked so hard you better live in this moment. This is your moment. You’ve planned up till this second your whole life!”

Yet never a moment later. What do I do after?

“We need to celebrate let's get dinner later, your favorite! Sushi!”

I’m allergic to fish. “Yeah.”

As I went onto the field it felt like I was surrounded by static, the cold grueling kind that you’d imagine came from a certain horror film. It was quiet and loud and consuming. The stage stairs were breaking apart, a loose board. How safe. The spotlight is bright, should it be that bright? 

Everything's fine. This is my dream.

I worked for this, I earned this, I deserve this. I want this.

I wanted this!

I wanted this.

I wanted….

Did I want this?

I can see everyone but no one clearly. The microphone is too tall, my shirt is tight. My shoes squeak. I want… I want this moment to be over already.

Now I perform. Now I see what my life means. But the moment it’s over, what's next? I never considered it. This is my life, isn’t it? So is it over? Or beginning? 

Then it was over. I went to eat, I went home, then I woke up at 5:46. I overslept. Was that it? Was this it?

“Why didn’t you perform again?”

“You got stuck in the cycle too huh?”

“What do you mean?”

“You achieved your goal, now what? No one ever talks about that.”

“Well, it's important to focus on the present goal.”

“And what might that be?”

“...”

“It seems you have some thinking to do.”

“What did you do? I mean you achieved your dream so young and then-”

“I didn’t have the dream anymore. I don’t know why I felt so rushed, it was my life dream. Not adolescent. I wish I could’ve seen more, and enjoyed more.”

“But, why aren’t you happy if you achieved your life goal your purpose?”

“The very reason we’re having this conversation. If your life is complete what’s next? Why would I be happy about losing my youth to a moment that I didn’t even enjoy.”

“Because you get to do it all again? And maybe enjoy it this time.”

“But that’s all I was. All I was allowed to be.”

“Says who?”

“Everyone.”

“I didn’t know you could be so many people at once.”

“What was your dream?”

“I have many. We have many.”

Go find the after. It’s not over yet.