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Dear Diary,
I’m scared about tomorrow. I know it’ll be controlled, but I’m still scared. Sue me. I had to sign disclaimers saying I wouldn’t sue them and I did and I’m going to go through with it in the interest of anthropology, science, religion, hell, in the interest of everything and everyone, but I’m still scared. I have to go through with it in the interest of science. What’s the worst that could happen? I’ll die? No, that’s not. I already know that’s going to happen. Hell, that’s the whole point. Then, they’ll bring me back, but what if I get caught in the cusp; between the worlds? Or what if I can’t remember anything because of the NDE? Right, what if the world blows up tomorrow? Then, none of this will matter. But, I’m still scared. My wife’s scared too, but she’s supportive. Tomorrow is the big day. I’m scared.
Love,
El Perro.
Dear Diary,
Well, I’m alive or I think I’m alive. I feel alive. In fact, I feel better than alive. “I feel good.” I’m alive. Let me tell you what I saw: It was a white light. I know. Big surprise. A white light, but it was brighter than white. Like, think of a dog. Any dog. Dogs can hear dog whistles while humans can’t and humans can see colors, , but dogs can’t or it’s limited or something. It’s like describing a color to a dog. White’s the closest I can come. But, it was like hearing white, tasting white, smelling white, feeling white all over my body. Yes, I know I’m white, but that’s not what I mean. What did it feel like? Imagine all the love you’ve ever had rolled up and thrusted into the heart. Like that. No, it wasn’t Heaven and I didn’t see any angels. Did I see God? I don’t know. I remember what it felt like but I can’t say whether or not it was God or Gods or Goddesses. I just don’t know. I was warm, but not temperature warm, but like the feeling you feel at the end of a great story. That kind of warm. No, I’m not high or drunk unless death is an intoxication. Maybe that is it. Think about it. When people or animals get high, the reason they get high is because of lack of oxygen to the brain. Wait. Is that what makes drug addicts high? Do research later. I’m feeling sane, but catch-22.
Test my blood. Give me a CT scan, MRI, the works. That might explain the white light. NDE’s are high from lack of oxygen. Makes scientific sense. Right? Get these test results.
*
Everything’s normal. Blood’s normal, brain’s normal. I’m normal, but it doesn’t make scientific sense. Why a white light? Unless, maybe aliens are on the other side that give micro viruses that are hallucinogenic. Right, the scientific community is gonna love that explanation. Hell, give me a urine test too. I’m clean. But that doesn’t make scientific sense. Unless . . . Gotta go.
Love,
El Pedro.
Dear Diary,
Well, yesterday was a bust so they’re going to try killing me differently. They’ll “kill me softly with his song,”. No, no. Just kidding. They’re going to do something with an IV, put God knows what into me and give me the antidote when it’s time to come back. You know if these docs are successful 99% of the time and they put me through this experiment a hundred times, I’ll be dead. It’s only going to be two times as of right now, but what if we keep not being able to figure it out? Then what? So, I asked about this and they told me I was being paranoid and marked that as a side effect of my NDE. It’s just, what if the white light is an alien or God or something scientists don’t understand? Maybe the NDE is causing paranoia.
Love,
El Pedro.
Dear Diary,
They almost couldn’t resuscitate me. Great. My friends and family can get the compensation and my body will be donated to medicine. See, something good’ll come out of this. Right? Morons don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. What’d I see this time? The same fucking thing I saw last time and felt last time goddamn it. A bright light. Did it have a name? How the fuck should I know? I didn’t ask. Lots of note taking. I seem angry. What am I angry about? You did the same fucking thing, you’re asking the same fucking questions, and I have the fucking answers. Hmm, let’s try it again and again and see if you motherfucking morons really fuck up and what’ll happen then. They just took a lot of goddamn notes and gave me water. Feeling like this was a bad idea. I’ll write tomorrow, if I’m alive then
El Perro
Dear Diary,
Another day, another death. Oy. This time reviving me was easy. See? They do know what they’re doing and remember to ask who or what the fucking white light is this time, ok? I did and it just had me hear the white light. I asked over and over and I smelled white light, felt white light, but it looked like a tunnel this time so I asked what was at the end of the tunnel. I just heard the same sound so I slimed (not sure that’s the right word) towards the brighter white, then the bastards brought me back and asked the same stupid motherfucking questions and I gave the same goddamn answers. They’ll see me tomorrow. What do you think’ll be different tomorrow? Fucking smart idiots.
El Perro.
Dear Diary,
Well, another day, another dollar. Same procedure: I get death, dollars, and told to move close to the bright light and ask who and/or what it is and what it means. Again, I’m dead, the brighter light is closer and the previous light seems to be moving behind me, but a blinding light is a small dot in front of me. I ask the same questions and again and just get feelings: Bright white.
But, even though the idiot doctors brought me back, it feels like not all of me is back, like I’m in the cusp of the living and the dead. Still feel that way right now.
Love,
El Perro
Dear Diary,
Lights brighter today. Felt euphoric. Didn’t want back. Saw light. Tests normal but don’t feel normal. Dizzy walking to car. Ok drive home. Lock hard turn, nap and dream of light. Check blood pressure and 120/80. Good. Liking experiments at hospital, don’t like Earth. Maybe docs fuck up and I go all way into light.
Love
El Perro
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