Turnin’ in Circles

It all started with a lie more than 40 years ago. I was 23 and had moved to Paris from Minneapolis to study film making (that was little less than a lie as well, because I had no real intention to make movies) and especially to paint and see all of the great paintings there. I’d arrived on a charter flight with a one-way ticket (you can’t do that anymore) with just a backpack and $100 in my pocket (that’s not a lie).

After shacking up with Michèle, a pretty French girl two years my senior, (because I had no way to pay rent), I started looking for a job. One that I didn’t have to be legal to do. I saw an ad for a singer in a rock group posted on a bulletin board in the hallway of a university. They wanted an American or a Brit, so I was sure I could convince them to try me out. That’s where my first lie came in; I told them that I’d sung for a group in Minneapolis, whereas I’d never sung in a group at any time or place in my life. My singing voice is pretty good though, and I knew the lyrics to a lot of 70’s and 80’s rock songs. We arranged to meet, and they took me on as their lead singer. I made a name for the group, “The Gentle Blades”, and we went on to create about 20 songs together. The experience didn’t pay off, we never made any money, and I went on to other things.

I’d kept a cassette with all of the songs we made together, but in my opinion, there was only one that was any good. It was the very first one we recorded together on the day I did my try out with them, “Turnin’ in Circles”. It had been completely spontaneous. They’d played the tune for me and I came up with the lyrics on the spot. We tried and tried to do it again, but it was never as good as the first improvised jam.

More than 20 years later, I went to a studio where the Gentle Blades’ old violinist and keyboard player worked as a sound engineer, and he transferred that one great song onto a CD. He cleaned up the sound for me as well, and we bid each other farewell.

Another two decades went by, and one day I decided to enter the song in a famous contest in the USA. I’d never imagined I’d really win, but to my astonishment, I won the Grand Prize! $2,500 in cash and a whole package of gift certificates, subscriptions, memberships, and professional critiques. I flew to New York for the prize ceremony (expenses paid) and there I was, on the stage in in the limelight. I stared at the crowd and told the biggest lie of my life. I told them that I’d composed the music as well as the lyrics, and gave no credit to the composer. Then, with a back-up band that they’d provided, I sang the words I knew so well. They were simple lyrics. Nothing special without the music. It was the musical composition that made the song great.

“Everything keeps turnin’ in circles

I’m always back where I started from

Every time that I think I’m somewhere

I find myself back at square number one

Gotta’ get off this ride to nowhere

Gotta' get off this merry-go-round

I’m on a plane that’s flyin’ low-fare

But it never gets off the ground.

Turnin’, turnin’, turnin’ in circles” (repeat over and over).

A huge round of applause went up from the audience, but my heart felt no joy. I knew that I didn’t deserve to win this prize, and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to tell the truth. How could I? Trapped in my own lie, I felt like a scum.

Finally, nothing ever really came of the whole matter. The limelight lasted only for that one night. I couldn’t bring myself to use all of the prizes I won. I didn’t deserve them. I never told anyone the truth, but I couldn’t lie to myself.

So here I am today, more than forty years after the day I tried out for the band, and I’m still back at square number one. I’ve never amounted to anything as a singer, and probably never will.

In fact, I can’t say that I’ve accomplished anything great in my life. I never made another film after the first two I did in Minneapolis in ’83. Only a handful of the countless paintings I did ever sold, and my childhood dreams of being a famous painter have faded to naught. I’ve even failed as a father, not giving the attention to my children that they merited all through their childhood while chasing pipe dreams, and abandoning them and their mother Michèle for another unrealized dream in a faraway land. At present, they’re all in their 30’s and as far as they’re concerned, I’m dead.

My confession today is only for my own peace of mind. I can see only one positive result that’s come of all this; I’ve learned, perhaps too late, that lying gets a person nowhere and that being the limelight isn’t what’s important. For the unknown time that’s left of my life, I know that I’ll make every effort to be true to myself and the people around me. Perhaps I can still make something of my life and do what’s really important; bring joy and give support to my loved ones. I can’t make up for the harm I’ve done, but I won’t repeat the same errors. I was on a ride to nowhere, and even while singing the words I hadn’t realized why. Without a clear meaning and purpose, one that helps others, one is bound to keep turnin’ in circles. Now I’m old, but I’ve found a reason to live and a purpose for being on this planet. I’m at peace.