Trigger Warning: Please note, that while this is ultimately an inspirational story, I do discuss a traumatizing relationship in my life that includes unwanted sexual advances, r*pe, and domestic violence (not in graphic detail). Please take care of your own mental health and well-being if these are sensitive topics for you as well; I would rather you be safe than re-traumatize yourself just to read my story. Thank you ❤

It Began Like A Fairytale…

And I mean that in the most literal sense.

“Duckie” and I met at a LARP event – Live-Action Role-Play, for the uninitiated – where he was playing an Elf character complete with prosthetic latex horns affixed to his forehead, pointed elf ears, black warpaint across half his face, and foam longswords for safe combat. Meanwhile, I played a Dryad with vines and flowers in my hair and wrapped around my limbs, and woody make-up on my face to look like I could have been an avatar of the Earth herself.

It doesn’t get much more “fairytale” than meeting in a world with fairies, dragons, and evil-doers to defeat, does it? I once joked with my therapist about how I couldn’t have cooked up a character meet-cute like ours in my dreams, if only for the sheer cheesiness of it; it screamed “straight to TV Rom-Com for nerds” to me! (Call me, Hallmark.)

Having lived the ridiculous plotline myself, in hindsight, I should have looked at the first red flag and sprinted for the hills. Granted, the first one was a fictional flag but I still feel it counts, like a character witness statement in court.

Our characters first met as strangers at a disciplinary Council Meeting of the Kingdom in which Duckie’s character was being tried for (fictional) war crimes. So, my character’s first impression was… less than stellar, shall we say? During this event, my character and Duckie’s had an intense argument over his actions because of the outcome of the trial and his character’s poor behavior as a representative of the Kingdom. For those of you who have never acted or played a game where role-play is involved when you immerse yourself into a character or role as you do at a LARP event, it can be very easy to get emotionally involved in what your character is thinking, feeling, and experiencing. This is called “bleed” because the character “bleeds” into yourself and can cause an emotional response outside of the game setting.

The argument between our characters turned into an intense roleplay scene for both of us and a spectacle for other players because we were so into character, and it lasted for close to two hours. Unfortunately, I believe it also left me with a feeling of bleed between myself and my character that I was too new to larping to recognize. The emotional high of my character ‘winning’ a moral high-ground argument, showing off my acting chops to people who were also actors, and the emotional high of having had such an excellent first LARP event as a player… I was so emotionally vulnerable and twisted around it was a wonder I knew which direction I was walking!

When that event ended, Duckie approached me to thank me for sharing such a great experience between our characters and chatted with me as we helped clean up the camp - just friendly chatter - and asked if I would mind if he sent me a Facebook friend request so we could keep in touch and get to know each other more. “I seemed really cool,” I remember him saying. I wasn’t more than 21 years old at that time, still undiagnosed as autistic and struggling hard with any kind of relationship-based social cues, but it was obvious at least that Duckie was significantly older than me and I hesitated for a moment… but it was only a moment before I said yes and gave over my info so he could send me a friend request. I remember being in a hurry to leave after the clean-up because the event was in South Jersey and I lived in Central PA, and yet I still stood there with him in the parking lot to make sure I got his friend request and accepted it in front of him, at his insistence in case the internet did something funny.

Over the next month, Duckie messaged me every day and often multiple times per day. Sometimes it was just to talk - platonic, ‘typical’ budding friendship conversation like how I was doing with physical therapy for my back or if I got the oil changed in my car. Other times we could end up discussing LARP and our characters, which would often lead to roleplayed conversations through whatever messenger app we were chatting on. This is where things began to get cloudy for me and it’s only through years of therapy that I’m able to see it now.

…And Then I Saw It Was A Horror Story.

During the times Duckie wanted to roleplay as our LARP characters, he made it clear that Winterthorn - his character - had romantic intentions for Rayna (my character). I was dating someone at the time and made it clear to Duckie that I wasn’t comfortable roleplaying romance with another person, at the very least until I discussed it with my partner; Duckie told me that he respected that and wouldn’t cross that line. And he didn’t, at least directly. Instead, he would make jokes or innuendos and blame it on the nature of the character’s race or say something along the lines of how he didn’t mean to offend me or that he was just trying to be funny but didn’t say it right. Being young and trusting someone older and who was kind to me when (in my mind, at least) he didn’t have to be, I believed him and kept talking to him. I wish I still didn’t feel like I should have known better.

Things didn’t come to a world-shattering head between us until a little over a month after we first met. I had volunteered to help with the annual “Kids’ Event” for a weekend and when I told Duckie, he decided that since he didn’t work on the weekends he would go with me and volunteer for the kids as well. The only problem with that plan was that he lived in North-Central Jersey and his car wasn’t likely to make the five-hour trip to the Kids’ Event site. Because I had recently had a contract job that ended and was between jobs, I told him I could drive to his place and then we would carpool to the event if he was able to help with gas, which he did.

I arrived early to the house he shared with our mutual friend, where I hung out with her and where several other red flags were raised and promptly ignored by my younger, much less emotionally intelligent self. My friend asked me why I had been using ‘he/him’ pronouns for Duckie and not calling her ‘Lexi’, and I was very confused. During the month we had been becoming friends, Duckie/Lexi had been telling our friend all about me and implying romantic intent, so naturally, she had assumed Duckie/Lexi had told me that she had come out as trans about 15 years prior since it was no secret that I was pansexual. I shrugged this off as even in 2011 being trans was dangerous in the wrong crowds and figured that Lexi would tell me when she felt ready to, even though I was confused by the act of it having been kept secret from me when it seemed all of our other friends were in the know and it wasn’t a general secret… On the topic of our friend being confused by my intentions for Lexi/Duckie, I set the record straight by informing her that I was still dating my current partner and, even if we were in a rocky spot currently, I had already told Lexi/Duckie that I wasn’t interested in anything more than friendship. We were both perplexed why Lexi/Duckie would have implied otherwise, but before we could talk more Lexi arrived home from work and it was time for us to load my car and head to the Kids’ Event.

Even all these years later I still remember the conversation on that drive like I just had it yesterday. After having the revelation from our mutual friend before Lexi/Duckie got home and we left for the event, I decided I would gently remind my friend that I supported them and that I was also a member of the LGBTQ+ community. That seemed to be the catalyst that Duckie needed because they did come out to me and explained that when they first came out as trans 15 years prior, they had lost many friends and had never really been able to live as their true self publicly which is why they hadn’t told me right away. I understood that and reassured them that I supported them and asked how they wanted to be addressed and by what pronouns they wanted to be addressed and Duckie told me he preferred he/him pronouns and the nickname Duckie for now. I thought our friendship had strengthened and I had bonded with my new friend.

After that discussion, he confessed that he had “more than friendship feelings for me” and that the more I showed how caring and supportive I was, the more he wanted to be with me. I remember looking over at him as I stopped at a stoplight as he said this, my mouth agape and just staring at him for several seconds. I can still hear him saying, “I know you’re with [ my boyfriend at the time ] but it’s been love at first sight for me. That’s why I wanted to be your friend so bad. You’re really great and I respect your relationship but I just wanted you to know that I love you as more than a friend.”

It’s been over a decade of therapy and trauma work and I still have to consciously stop myself from saying “I should’ve known better.” To my young, inexperienced, undiagnosed neurodivergent self who was struggling with my current relationship and feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him or his family and never would be, Duckie’s sudden declaration of “love at first sight” was not just unexpected but the most romantic thing anybody had ever said to me! I remember feeling my heart flutter and then feeling conflicted because I was already in a relationship and even just hearing somebody else say those things to me felt like betraying my boyfriend. I remember stuttering and trying to find words to say to Duckie for several minutes as I drove, while he just sat there and stared at me, quietly sniffling because at some point he had started to cry.

I don’t remember how long it took me to work everything out in my head. I remember that I tried to reinforce the fact that I already had a boyfriend and we were trying to work things out between us, but I wouldn’t have a chance to talk to him until after the event because he was on vacation with his family that week. I remember telling Duckie that I valued his friendship and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I loved my boyfriend and even if I decided things weren’t going to work out between us and we broke up, I wasn’t going to rush into another relationship right away, but maybe we could see where our friendship took us down the line if that’s what happened. Duckie smiled and stopped crying, I remember that, too. It was like he was waiting for confirmation that he hadn’t royally messed up his chances. He said he understood and that he didn’t want to lose our friendship and was just happy to be friends.

I thought everything was fine after that. We were only an hour or so from the event site, but I had started to develop a headache, so I just focused on driving and we sang along to the radio for the last part of the drive.

After we checked in with the event staff, got our stuff unpacked from the car, and met the parents and kids who were playing at the event, I had a raging migraine. The character I was playing for the event wasn’t needed until the next morning so the other volunteers sent me to bed early to rest up and I went, gratefully. Duckie decided he was too tired to participate after working all day and then riding in the car that long, so he decided he was going to go to bed too. I didn’t think anything of it at the time.

The bunkroom for the event volunteers was a private room in the back of the barn with drywall, an A/C unit, and wooden bunk beds that were slightly wider than a single bed. The event was at the beginning of August and was hot, but the bunkroom was chilly with the air conditioning. I had prepared and brought a sleeping bag but Duckie had only brought a thin blanket for himself and was lying in his bunk next to mine shivering shortly after we both settled in.

Now one thing to know about the LARP community in general is that when it comes to sleeping arrangements, most of us aren’t shy and our accommodations aren’t fancy. It’s not unheard of to share a cot or a bunk if there’s not enough to go around and you and your buddy are cool with it. I had both seen other larpers share bunks and had done so myself when the temperatures were cold enough; it was barely a second thought to offer to share my bunk with Duckie because he didn’t have a heavy enough blanket for the bunkroom. I remember telling him he could share my heavier blanket and sleep back-to-back with me, and he agreed. I rolled over toward the wall and heard him leave his bunk and cross the room to slide into my bunk.

Again, I have to stop myself from using that phrase - “I should’ve known better.”

Nobody expects their friend to blatantly disregard the agreement they just made seconds beforehand, spooning up behind them wrapping his arm over theirs, and pressing his entire body against them so they can’t move. Nobody could have anticipated the aggressive kisses to the back of the neck, shoulder, and ear as they were pressed against the wall and his body was rubbed against theirs while they told him to stop. Nobody should have to listen to their friends in the other room laughing and having fun while threats are whispered in their ear and unwanted things are done to their body.

“I should’ve known better” only holds true if you expect the other person to do the worst possible thing to another human being, and that’s no way to go through life.

“I should’ve known better” is what abusers manipulate you into believing to relieve their own guilty consciences.

“I should’ve known better” almost ruined my life. It almost ended my life, in fact. More than once.

After that first night at the Kids’ Event, Duckie manipulated me into believing that what happened was consensual, and by the end of the event that Sunday, we had sex two more times. On the drive home, I remember he started crying almost as soon as we got on the road. I remember being confused and his explanation was “he felt bad for making me cheat on my boyfriend.” Having been raised to take responsibility for my own actions and my own choices, I remember thinking well, I’m an adult; that was my own decision, right? I remember saying to him exactly that, in fact. I told him that I was an adult and made my own choices and nobody made me do anything, and that I would deal with the consequences when I talked to my boyfriend when he came home from vacation. I remember saying the words “I’ve decided it’s not going to work out with [boyfriend’s name] - this weekend has made that clear.” 

If I could go back in time and say anything to myself in that moment… BABE, THAT’S CALLED GASLIGHTING AND IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! But that’s not how things worked out.

For almost five years I stayed with Duckie, in a relationship built on r*pe, manipulation, and domestic violence. He was so clever in his manipulation that even friends who knew us both well and spent tons of time with us - together and separately - were convinced that I was the problem if not the abuser. Even my own mother and other family members never suspected the truth until I finally left him and told the truth about just how our relationship started and how our home life was. If not for my best friend witnessing Duckie’s behavior and treatment of me firsthand and subsequently asking me to tell them the whole story of how we met and started dating, sometimes I wonder if I would ever have realized just how bad things were and that truly terrifies me.

People say the world is a scary place, and maybe they’re right. There are times I watch the news and certainly think so, but I also think I’ve already been through the scariest thing I can imagine, and thirteen years later, here I am, coming out the other side. This is the first time I’ve dared to publicly tell my story, and maybe “I should’ve known better”, or maybe there’s no way I could have known.

What I do know without a shadow of a doubt, however, is that the horrors may persist in this world, but so will I.