window girl

I see her, a girl about my age staring out the window of the crowded, loud and pee stenched new york subway cart. Shes sitting…as still as water and her eyes looked like they were at the end of a staring contest with her own reflection just— about—to crack. She had a mask on but for some reason I felt her pain and began to shed a tear. Because I know that stare. The one that never ends even when you start off looking at the people on the platform to now into the pitch black tunnel and all you see is yourself. Which shocks you a little for some reason even though you were expecting it. It’s like holding your breath….a self inflicted stillness. Now I'm no physcic but I do beleive when people say eyes are the windows to the soul. I felt her soul so strongly that I wanted to tap the lady next to me and ask her "Do you feel that". And I know she'll ask me "feel what you crazy girl on the train, matter of fact let me get away from you before you try something"....But If she was in the moment like I was and just asked "Feel what?", I would say to her "that girl over there...her pain...her distress it's like I know what she's thinking, what she's going through, shes...." I would pause in perplexity and confusion with my mouth slightly open staring at her with a head tilt and a furred brow. "...Shes what" the lady would utter in an, I’m trynna be nice but your testing me patience, kind of way. "she's.....me" . The lady would look at me with a slight crooked smile but an aura of pity and fear and turn away. But since I've already played through the scene of that cringy reality show, I'll just keep my thoughts to myself and leave that lady to her soduko. But thats just it my thoughts were running around so much it was unsetteling and I felt like I couldn't hold it in. The first thing that was coming to my mind was "The pressha is getting worser and worser" as my intrusive tiktok personality tries to peirce out of me. I felt her pressures. The pressure of society, the pressure of spirituality, the pressure of school, the pressure of family, the pressure of being the person you wanna be. And I know it seems silly why is there pressure to be the person you want to be?…just be her. But I can’t… most of the time shes just out of my reach. My longing fingertips might graze upon her flowing dress some days as I push through what seems to be a curse of stagnitity. At the age of 20 about to be 21, I shouldn’t feel stagnant right? I should feel excited and free about the future. But all I feel is numb. And the crazy part is… even though I don’t feel excited, I can see myself being the emotion of excited. It’s Like I’m in an empty stadium watching a football game with me vs. me. I’m in the first quarter and I’m up 7 after the other team has been kicking me down. That other team is also me, that unfortunate reality that no matter how great I could feel to be winning, I still have 0 on the board. As the single spectature in the stands I’m jumping up screaming “HOWWW IS THAT FAIRRRR REF” “how is that fair….” “cut the girl a break man”... And he would say to me “It’s all apart of the game”.... It that just it, is life a game. What— am I— supposed to do with that. What is she— supposed to do with that. window girl. 

It’s like I don’t know you but I have your back and want to let you know your not ALONE. This urge is making my leg itch. This girl…this stranger… is making myy leg itch. Why is this girl irritating my spirit like this? I keep itching to go over there and just say something to her. But even if I don’t say anything… i could just go by her and she’ll just pick up what I’m trynna put down. Hopefully.  And that’s okay because that’s how humans are right? We crave human connection, we crave community… she probably does too or maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better for bothering this girl. Because to be honest if she’s anything like me she just wants to be left alone. Forget that tho, cause I can’t be the girl I want to be without taking chances and maybe she needs me. Or maybe I just wanna be needed— So its about that time. I’m contemplating how I’m gonna go over there in a way that’s not weird or threatening. I can’t even blame it on needing a seat either because I already have one on the bench across from her so she definitely knows…or does she? Because I haven’t seen her eyes move from that window, let alone blink. So maybe shes in her own world and hasn’t even noticed me. That seat next to her is meant for your butt Mahogany, it has to be, all of this has to mean something. So as I get up about to make my march over there of course the train wants to do it’s jiggy and make me trip and fall over face planting on the pissy floor with the heat wave of embarressment shooting at me like a projectile vomit. In that moment I wasn’t sure if I was feeling window girl’s energy or my own physical and emotional pain. I look up dreading to see if my untimely display of clumsiness has lifted her gaze off of the window. But of course just to my luck…she’s gone… I don’t know if I want to cry or laugh. I feel stuck to floor right now. As I take a sigh and try to brush it off and get up off the floor, I feel a hand on on my arm. Now you can’t trust anyone on the train, so I want to pull away and say “I’m okay, I got it, thanks”. But following the hand was a soft voice that said “Are you okay?”. I know what your thinking, it’s window girl.

…and your right but I was kind of scared because how did she get behind me so fast? But I quickly remembered that time moves slow and blurry in the land of embarressment. I stand up and have to hurry to say something because its already been too long of a pause. “Yes, but…are you?” She cracks a smile that I could see through her mask just by her eyes…a smize. “what do you mean, your the one who ate nasty subway floor” she says. The whole thing is weird and awkward but even though I probably will sound like a crazy person, I have to tell her how I felt her, how shes me, im her, blah blah blah. This just isn’t going as planned. “I know, this might sound weird but I was actually on my way to talk to you”. Now she just looks even more confused, but not apprehensive like how I would probably feel. She says to me “I kinda thought so because youv’e been staring at me since you got on” I’m stuck— Howwww did she see my couple of glances as she was staring at the window the whole timeeee. Now she definitely thinks I’m weird. But what was more surprising to me was that her tone of voice and attitude wasn’t as painfilled as her energy. “Did you want something…why’d you ask me if I was okay?”she asked as she pulled down her mask. I’m still stuck, theres just no world where this wouldn’t be weird now. I take a deep breath and just speak “Ok…ever since I got on the train I felt this energy from you, and you staring at the window,— like you were in pain and under alot of pressure or something. I don’t mean to be crazy weird but I just felt pulled to tell you you're not alone and I feel that way too”. She starts staring at me like she was staring at that window like she was trynna look into my soul, but I was just feeling…weird. She finally blinks and says “oh my god”. Those small three words gave me so much relief because it’s not what I was expecting, I thought more of a stank face and run far far away. She goes on to say “I’m about to cry right now…My greataunt who I was very close to passed away today, she brought so much joy into my life that I wanted to honor her by living my life with joy everyday. But it’s so fresh that when I look at myself and smile and try to be joyful,...I can’t get the look of pain out of my eyes, wondering if I ever will ”. I’m so intrigued by what shes telling me that it feels like its just us on the train, I’m not even focusing on when my stop is coming up. I listen on to her say as a tear runs down her face with a half smile “...she told me yesterday, the last time I spoke to her, that when I was at my lowest there will be someone there to show you your not alone…and I’m getting kind of emotional because this is feeling a little supernatural, I don’t know if your spiritual but… ”. I look at her mesmorized by the turn of events. Im shocked because I didn’t know her aunt and she didn’t tell me to do this, but it did feel spiritual to me. Is her aunt in me somehow? or is her spirit using me?, but I still feel like me——this is just a lot. I don’t know how to feel. But nothing new, I’m stuck and don’t know what to say to her. She says to me “Now you think I’m weird huh”, as she giggles, wipping her tears away. “No, no that’s just beautiful…and and I wasn’t expecting it”. I didn’t know what to do now. After such a moving experience and feeling a little exposed, do we just get off and that’s it?

Is the aunt or god or the universe done using me for this girl? “Your aunt sounds like a great person, I could use more intentional joy in my life, what was her name?” She looks at me proud with her chin up like she was about to name a celebrity. “Her name was Miss Mahagony Jones, to know her was to love her”.....To say my jaw hit the ground was an understatement.—Was my whole existence meant for this moment?— I’m too young and going through too much to try to unpack this moment right now. Now’s the decision, Fight or Flight… Before I feel like im gonna make the decison I say to her “That’s a really pretty name, It was nice to meet you, this is actually my stop” As I dread her next sentence, that shes gonna ask for my name or number or even my instagram. She utters “thank you, that really meant alot”...Why do I feel bad? As I leave the train cart at a random station, my dads voice fills my head as he tells me how I got my name. He always told me that before he became estranged from his entire family, he always said he would name his daughter in honor of his grandmother who was the joy of his life as a kid. He would tell me “Her name was Mahagony Marie Jones and to know her is to love her…”

I stopped in my tracks… “omg”.