Beautiful and Awful

I've been watching some little kids playing in the park this time: horse playing, chattering, laughing. I remembered my childhood days because of them, where innocence could always be the vanguard of everything I do, we do. I walked away, and I pass through a couple of guys playing Mobile Legends, shouting and trash-talking by themselves. It seems very bad for me, but they seemed to enjoy those swearing. Without noticing, I bumped into a person — a woman with blonde hair. She's way smaller than I am, so she raise my eyes to see me and I look at her, saying sorry. Then, she proceeded and sat at one of the abandoned benches under a birch tree. And with that, it reminds me of something... something beautiful and awful.

***

It was 8:33 in the evening when I sat on our balcony to catch up on some February cold air. I remember some funny moments within that day in school, like wearing black long sleeves and black skinny jeans while the rest of my classmates wore white or red ones with flowers, hearts, and chocolates. One of my best friends, Yoon-jin, mocked me by saying, Dude, are you going to a funeral?

I really forgot that it was February 14 at that time. I just remember Eun-min gave me a box of Red Ribbon when I took my first step in our classroom and said "Happy Valentine's Day." She's stupid, amazingly stupid as I remember her breaking up with her boyfriend because of me but unfortunately, I'm not taking her even if she's the muse of our campus.

I'm not saying I'm heartless, it's just... I just can't move on from the past, and it's killing me when those sorts of relationships pop up in my mind. That past event changes my whole being; I didn't mean to, but I have to.

Though adaptation and moving forward are essential in one's life, it does not necessarily mean to compromise the things you have and had, especially the memories which give you something for the rest of your lifetime.

That night, I got my guitar from my room, intending to sing some sorts of music which in reality I cannot carry to sing. As I remember the relationship I've taken — now it's broken, I play the song which we sang when we were still together — Creep by Radiohead. I really like this song. This song always reminded me that no matter how good you are, there's no guarantee that all the things that come to you are also good.

As I played my song, I saw someone in white passing on the sidewalk. I froze for a moment, just like a man solving a puzzle with an undetermined piece. Her aura seems familiar like I just saw her yesterday. Being curious, I put my guitar aside and ran after her.

As I catch my breath, she notices it and faces me. "Shan-lee?!" I exclaimed as I saw her face — the face I dreamt of every night, the face that made me crazy for the whole time. Yes, it's her. "What are you doing here?"

She gave me a simple smile with her very cute dimples. "Just hanging out with the silent and cool air," she said. "Wanna join with me?"

I nodded without hesitation, and walk along the sidewalk with her. "So, how's life?" I asked her. In most cases, girls are usually the starters of the talk, but now she seems troubled and silent. But as usual, when I ask this question for the first time until that time, her reply was just OK. Then I gave her another topic can she responded, and we talk too much with the laughter that made us forget about the time. We stop at the park; it's still glowing because of the tree lights and the colorful designs it had. We sat on one of the benches under a birch tree. Then, she said:

"Did you still remember when we first met?"

"Yeah, we were at this park at that time," I responded. She gave me a deep sigh.

"It's not yet over until it's over, right?"

I'm confused about what she said, but then I just realized that my left eye started to tear silently and slowly. And these words came from my mouth:

"There's no need to apologize for that," she said. Our eyes met, and we stared at each other. "There's no one to be blamed for everything; if fate needs to change you, then you have to." As she drew her smile, she vanishes like thin air in the night sky, leaving me alone in that glowing park.

***

Many days passed, and I was so high every moment. One day, when I woke up, I've got a message from Yoon-jin, my best friend. It was 9:34 AM. This was his message:

"Min-ho, let's meet up at the park at 10 AM. I already prepared the candles and the food. My girlfriend is with me, so don't be late."

I got up from my bed and wash my face in the bathroom and went back to my room. I don't know yet what is that message for, so I ask him:

"Dude, what's so special for today? I have many things to do." Then, a few seconds later, he chatted:

"It's March 6, you punk! Do you ever mind visiting Shan-lee?" I bit my lower lip as I read his message. I see, it's her 1st Death Anniversary... I really need to get there...

And now it's over.

***

I've been walking in our alley lately, thinking some stupid things.

Now, I remember how Taylor Swift, her favorite singer sang this striking statement in her song "Back to December":

"You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye."

Yet I'm not naive: she knows I gave her all my love, but she never intend to leave me alone. Days will never be the same, 'coz I know life is composed of beautiful as well as awful things.