The Emotional Forecast of a Narcissist: As Predicted by Olivia "Olive" Clarke

Monday:

Temperature – 75 degrees F, mostly sunny. High 77 degrees F, Low 67 degrees F.

           This forecaster predicts that Monday will be a beautiful day. The perfect time to go to the park or hit the pool, if that’s your thing. The temperature will be comfortable throughout the day, not too hot and not too cold. If I’m reading the maps correctly, the cloud cover will be scattered throughout the day, which means there will be plenty of shade to combat that sunshine.

           I also predict that this will be a great day to see your Narcissist! He (or she) should be in great spirits. I don’t forecast any arguments on Monday. Actually, by my calculations, Monday will be a very emotionally validating day for the Narcissist. Expect high praise, lots of compliments, and the reassurance that you’re (finally) doing everything right!

           As things taper down in the evening, you can also expect some sultry time with your Narcissist. I’d go so far as to say that this will be a sexual encounter where YOU come first! No Greedy Gary’s in this projection. You should anticipate feeling sexy, so shave those legs, manscape that lawn, and buy that perfume or cologne you’ve been eyeing at Sephora.

           Finally, as we close this day’s predictions, I’m also seeing a little love-bombing in the forecast. Now, don’t go ringing the church bells or phoning the family – this isn’t the “big one” – but I would expect some flowers delivered to your job or a new dress waiting for you on the bed or that PS5 game you’ve been hinting about for weeks. Make sure you have your appreciation banks at full capacity.

           That’s all I have for today, guys! Enjoy your day, and enjoy your day – if you know what I mean! And remember, an Olive a day keeps the Narcissist at bay!

Tuesday:

Temperature – 43 degrees F, mostly cloudy. High 45 degrees F, Low 29 degrees F.

           Well, guys, it looks like we had our first taste of false spring for the year. Those sunny, blue skies yesterday were just an appetizer for what’s to come. Today’s forecast brings back that winter chill. While temperatures will stay above freezing during the day, don’t forget to turn those taps on at night! If your pipes do freeze, remember to thaw them slowly, using a hair dryer or space heater, and don’t flood them too quickly! Pack a jacket and stay warm today!

           If you enjoyed your day yesterday, this forecaster has some bad news for you today – that false spring went both ways, unfortunately. If you can avoid your Narcissist today, I’d take the alone time while you have it. If you must see him (or her) today, put on that extra layer of thick skin under your jacket before you leave the house. I’m seeing some scattered arguments throughout the day, and you will be at fault.

           Now, before you go into that anxiety spiral, rest assured that this will not rival the Cold Shoulder Blizzard of ’08. While the predictions for the day aren’t great, I wouldn’t expect any break-up texts or stonewalling. No, from everything I’m reading, today is going to be an emotionally draining day. The communication is going to be overwhelming, but manageable with those tips and tricks we’ve been practicing – say sorry first, don’t get defensive, and don’t try to prove you’re right. When the fights start, just remember yesterday. Remember the flowers and all the nice things they said – they still mean it, deep, deep down.

           We’ve made it through worse, and we’ll make it to better! That’s the motto! I’ll see everyone tomorrow, bright and early. And remember, an Olive a day keeps the Narcissist at bay! Have a great day!

Wednesday:

Temperature – 99 degrees F, sunny. High 101 degrees F, Low 83 degrees F. Potential for scattered showers through the night.

           I told you that things were going to turn around, and by golly, that’s what happened! After those freezing temperatures yesterday, you should expect to melt like a popsicle today! The maps are showing a blistering high of 101 degrees without a cloud in the sky, so pack your sunscreen! In fact, I’d bring back-up, just in case. It’s going to be a hot hot day, with very little humidity in the air. Looks like we’re hitting all seasons this week. We had our spring, we had our winter, and now we’re diving headfirst into summer! If you missed the pool on Monday, I’d find my way there today – grab your favorite book, pull up a chair, and let those rays shine!

           In other news, your Narcissist is going to be ramping up the heat as well, and not in a good way. After that cold snap yesterday, my radar is showing a swing in the opposite direction. Those little arguments are going to continue today, but they’re going to hit a new level. If you have the texts, I’d take a minute to go back through them. There will be inconsistencies today. All those issues they brought up yesterday that you promised to resolve? You didn’t do a good enough job, and there's a fresh batch of issues today. All those things you did wrong yesterday? You’re still doing them wrong today, and you've somehow managed to do new things wrong too!

           Now, for all my listeners out there, we’ve seen this cycle before. The heat does crazy things to people. Emotions are going to be set to broil, so, don’t let your guard down for a second today! You’re going to need every ounce of emotional strength to make it to sundown. Expect to hear the words “bitch,” “whore,” and “piece of shit” in abundance (language warning!).

           The good news is – even though you are all of those things (and then some, as we’ve heard before) – you can change! You’re the lucky ones, after all. You have your Narcissist to guide you to the right path! A little correction along the way never hurt anyone.

           Stay cool, stay safe, and remember – an Olive a day keeps the Narcissist at bay!

Thursday:

Temperature – 99 degrees F, sunny. High 105 degrees F, Low 89 degrees F.

           It’s going to be another hot one! Maps are showing the summer temperatures are here for another day, and I, for one, could not be happier. We enjoyed the pool yesterday, and I hope you bought a two-day pass! If you finished your book, download the Kindle app and find something fun. You can check out our Facebook page to see my recommendations. There won’t be any cloud cover, so lather up that SPF!

           After the explosion we experienced yesterday, the radar is starting to look up for your Narcissist! I know you’re all happy to hear that! I’m showing a very relaxed day. Now, the question on everyone’s mind: Will there be any apologies? Drum roll please… YES. There will be apologies! Expect to hear “I’m sorry” at least a dozen times today – some of you may even hear those words we all love: “It’ll never happen again.” Your Narcissist is coming down from an emotional rollercoaster, and aren’t you glad you’re on the same ride?

           Those scattered storms last night were the perfect rinse-cycle for your Narcissist. The slate has been washed clean, and all the wrongs have been forgiven. It’s moments like these that we can really reflect on all of those good times. And there’s been some really good times, hasn’t there? We all remember the Baby Boom of ’02 – there was more sex than any of us could handle, and some of us even got some precious faces out of the deal!

           Let’s take the day to warm up those cold feet and remember why we’re here – to make those men (and women) the happiest they’ve ever been through unquestionable subservience, unwavering devotion, and unconditional love. You guys have a great day and remember – an Olive a day keeps the Narcissist at bay!

Friday:

Temperature – 19 degrees F, cloudy, **Freeze Warning until midnight tonight** High 22 degrees F, Low 8 degrees F.

           I hate to break it to everyone, but Elsa came to town last night. This forecaster is just as shocked as you are. Those poolside days felt like a distant memory when I stepped out of the door this morning. I hope you got a good base tan Wednesday and Thursday, because I don’t think we’ll be seeing Mr. Sunshine today. It’s going to be cloudy and cold. We’re currently under a freeze warning, and I would take every precaution. Wrap those pipes, turn up your heat, and bring those extras blankets out of storage. If you need a warm place to sleep, the kind folks at Helping Hands Ministry have opened their doors for the night – pets are welcome as long as they remain on a leash.

           Unfortunately, I don’t have good news on the Narcissist front, either. Remember that rollercoaster ride? I think someone forgot to press Stop. In fact, I think they lit some jet fuel under the seats. This is not a good time to live with your Narcissist. If you still have contact with your friends or family (lucky you), I’d call and see if they have some space on the couch.

           My radar predictions are all over the place, but the one constant is abuse. I’m showing high readings of abuse across the board. Now, when we have scattered readings with a single, constant variable, we tend to read the predictions as extremely volatile. If you’ve been tuned out, reading a long message they sent this morning when you left the house, put your phones down and listen up.

           Your Narcissist is experiencing what we at the station like to call the Influx of Power. This period of emotional turmoil is marked by the intense need for your Narcissist to flex the boundaries of their power over you. Emotional abuse is going to reach an all-time high. Physical abuse is going to reach an all-time high. Control is going to reach an all-time high. Manipulation is going to reach an all-time high. This is a very dangerous time for you, as their partner. Any rebuttal to their power is going to be seen as a capital offense.

           My only advice to you today is to lay low, make sure there’s some ice in the fridge, and keep your mouth closed. You need to lean into their requests like your life depends on it, guys.

           I wish I had better news, but that’s all for today. Remember, an Olive a day keeps the Narcissist at bay!

Saturday:

Temperature – 60 degrees F, partly cloudy. High 64 degrees F, Low 59 degrees F.

           Welcome back everyone! The weekend is finally here, and it brought some winter-weather relief. Temperatures are going to stay around 60 throughout the day. It’ll be warm enough to thaw that ice we’ve been trying to shake, but I wouldn’t put up the winter gear just yet. We still have one more day to go! The Helping Hands Ministry enjoyed seeing everyone last night, and they wanted me to tell everyone that they will continue to open their doors to the community on below-freezing nights. For now, we should try to enjoy this warmer weather with some hot tea and maybe a little yard work! Summer is right around the corner!

           For my other listeners – the ones who are still here (haha!) – I hope your Narcissist is feeling the effects of this neutral weather. The dicey predictions we saw yesterday are reading as flat lines today. I’m forecasting the Calm After The Storm. Expectations should be low on all fronts, especially in the field of communication. One-word answers, delivered texts, maybe even blue-to-green messages – all of this should be considered normal.

           Your only mission today is to win back their good graces. You know your Narcissist better than anyone. Cook their favorite foods, bring them breakfast in bed, and shower them with as much affection as possible. Your Narcissist is in a very confused place today. Maybe yesterday was the first time they hit you, maybe it was the first time they told you how they really feel about you – I don’t know. What I do know is, no matter what happened, you need to sink your teeth in (if you still have them). This is a critical time for them, and they need all the love and support they can get.

           You might feel like you also need those things, and I want to assure you that’s a completely normal reaction. You’re wrong, of course – but you’re still normal! Whatever pity party you’re throwing for yourself, I’d wrap it up before they wake up. This is their day.

           So put on that lipstick and kiss some ass (language warning!) guys! Remember, an Olive a day keeps the Narcissist at bay!

Sunday:

Temperature – 71 degrees F, mostly sunny. High 75 degrees F, Low 62 degrees F.

           Spring is back! Hallelujah! I know we were all happy when we stepped out of the door this morning! The sun is out, the weather is mild, and this is the last day of the weekend so make it count!

           I don’t mean to cut the weather short today, but we needed to touch base with our other listeners with the remainder of our time. We checked and re-checked the printouts this morning, and the workers here at AppleRock Station are very confused, which almost never happens. We analyze three different sets of numbers when we give our Narcissist predictions, and there was no rhyme or reason to the data today.

           While this has happened before, it’s a very rare occurrence. The last time we saw read-outs like this, we had no idea what to report so we skipped the predictions altogether. But the good news is, we learned from that mistake.

           You guys tune in to our station because you need the guidance only we can give, and we are not in the business of letting our listeners down! So, we pulled some historical data out of the cabinets, we blew off the dust, we spent the whole morning coming up with a very special prediction for you.

           The data has shown that when the numbers are this scattered, your Narcissist is in a fragile emotional state. For some of you, this is going to manifest in heightened snooping. If there is anything on your phone that shouldn’t be (and you really should know better by now), break it. For others, this is going to manifest in a sense of false security. Your Narcissist is going to make you feel like you have some freedom, but it's a test. Whatever you do, don’t take the freedom. Those plans with your friends that you haven’t seen in months? Cancel them. That phone call you scheduled with your mom? Cancel it.

           For very few of you, this is going to manifest in something entirely new. We like to believe we have this down to a science, but the beauty of the Narcissist is their ability to surprise us! So, if you, as a listener, experience something totally out of the ordinary today, feel free to write in and tell us all about it.

           As we wrap up the week, I just wanted to share some words of wisdom. You have chosen the most noble of ventures – loving a Narcissist. You are an angel, or, rather, you have the potential to be an angel. You are in this relationship because you are weak. Your self-esteem is low. Let’s face it, you aren’t anyone’s first choice. Except, your Narcissist chose you, and that is a blessing. He (or she) is an emotionally broken person, but, even with that in mind, they are still better than you. The pedestal you’ve put them on is entirely valid, and you should be striving every single day to be on their level. The amount of work it is going to take you to reach that goal is akin to training for an Olympic Event, but it is going to be worth it.

           If this week has made you feel beat down (or gotten you beat down, haha!), just know it’s because you deserved it. If you’re feeling confused, you need to get your head out of the clouds. Those “stable” relationships your friends are in – those are fake. True love requires martyrdom, and not everyone is up for the task. You aren’t meant to be loved like that because you need a serious amount of work.

           So, don’t be discouraged. Even though you will probably never be good enough, you shouldn’t let that make you walk away. Stay in the fight ladies (and gents) because those good times are right around the corner. Never forget those rare, special moments when he (or she) makes you feel like the most amazing person in the world. Don’t break up a potentially happy home in the pursuit of greener grass. Water your Narcissist, and they will bloom. You might be watering a cactus, but, hey, even the thorny plants need love, am I right?

           I hope you all have a good day and remember – an Olive a day keeps the Narcissist at bay! Thanks for tuning in!