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After you hear my problem, you might not think it’s a problem. But I can assure you, it’s a problem. You see, whenever I go to do laundry at the local laundromat, I somehow get distracted and start having sex with strangers. 

At first I thought this might be good luck, and that somehow I had one the genetic lottery of being attractive enough for women to continuously sleep with me. But after about the tenth time of trying to go to the laundromat with no such luck of actually completing the task of doing laundry, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve somehow been cursed by some spiteful spirit that has a twisted sense of humor.

Without fail, I walk into the laundromat, pick out a washer to start a cycle, but before I can place my clothes into the machine and start the process of cleaning my clothes, a woman comes up to me and asks: “Would you like to have sex?” I think a majority of you would agree that I’d be stupid to deny the request. And so we end up in the back where we can have some more privacy, or we go to my car. Either way, I end up tired as all get out and don’t feel like doing laundry that day.

I’ve tried going during odd hours where it almost guaranteed that no one else would be doing any laundry at the time. And yet still I find myself meeting women that want to have sex with me.

Like I said, I get that it might not seem like a problem. Probably a good portion of you might be thinking that if such a thing were to happen with you, then you’d be ecstatic. Certainly, at first I was. I like to think of myself as young and adventurous, so it’s not like random coitus in public environments freaks me out. In fact, it made it a little exciting at first. But much like the missionary position, I’ve just grown bored of the habit.

The real problem, though, is that I’ve had to get creative with cleaning my clothes. Eventually, after weeks of not being able to go to the laundromat, I’ve started to wash my clothes in my bathtub. Unfortunately, my apartment complex doesn’t have hookups for washers and dryers, and so I’m not able to buy my own washer and dryer unit. So, I’m left with my only other option of drawing up a bath, hand washing my clothes, and hanging up a clothesline for my clothes to dry on. I bought a heater to help expedite the process, but it only really speeds up the drying of my clothes by an hour or so, and still takes the entire night for my clothes to dry.

If anything, though, I think these incidents have taught me the valuable lesson to throw out two-thirds of my wardrobe to make it easier to wash them all, because it’s much easier to focus on important things when all you have is less than a handful of clothes to choose from. In retrospect, I imagine cartoons from my childhood have always been trying to teach that lesson, among others, but either because of societal pressure, and simply thinking I needed more stuff to feel whole, I kept buying more and more clothes that I don’t need.

I do occasionally still go to the laundromat in order to meet women that are willing to have sex with me. It seems to be the only place women show me any attention. I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to do laundry like a normal person ever again, though in a lot of ways this has become more normal.