The endless walk

Day one.

I had planned to only take a short walk, alas I ended up far away from home. Although a little question kept popping up in my head. Was home so much better than the endless walk? My feet ached, my head throbbed, and my throat was parched but the rode needed me. Mabey I was delirious, but it seemed as if the rode required me to add value to its practical yet boring existence. At home no one needed me. Everyone flocked to my twin Amara, an elegant creature with agile legs and promising features. My parents noticed me, but painful jealousy controlled my behavior. Whenever anger flooded my bones, I stole things. The adrenaline would pump through my veins everything seemed oK, but then I would come crashing back down to reality. I would then be left in the hole I had dug. Honestly if I were my parents, I would love her more as well.

The sun had begun to vanish from my view and casted colorful strikes of pink, red and orange. Tall ugly lamp posts emitted harsh yellow light around the landscape and prevented me from seeing the stars. The rode seemed the same, but nothing was. I had dented the world with my jealousy, yet I still had the ability to speak with elegant language. I hadn't really planned to leave. Not yet maybe not ever, but I did and there was no turning back in my mind.

The things I stole started as basic trivial things no one cared for. Then I found an opportunity to take something beloved. I stole my mother’s engagement ring… It slipped off her finger and I scooped it up digging myself a hole so far down I would never climb out. She cried that night whilst she tore the house down still, she never found it because it was in my pocket. Most people would have caved and given it back at that point, but fear kept me from being a decent person. I made a fruitless attempt to forget about what I had done. When it didn’t work, I went out for a run. (finely following in my sister’s footsteps) I felt kinda free running the wind in my purple heir showing my under-cut dramatically to the world. There probably was a chance to turn back I simply ignored it and continued running. Eventually I slowed to a walk, later I wanted to go home still at the same time I didn’t.

Day two

I stopped at a local news agents in the early hours of the morning. I fumbled through my pockets desperately clinging onto the $5.00 bill I had. I scanned the aisles before grabbing a bottle of water. My head turned to look wistfully at the sandwiches, but I knew they were a lot more money than I could afford. So, I walked up to the counter where an elderly gentleman sat his head covered in strands of white hair and his eyes glinting mysteriously. He looked me up and down a sad smile on his face. The sad look in his eyes grew as he took in my matted hair, grubby clothes and frail body. “You want the sandwiches?” he asked kindly accepting the $5.00 bill. “I haven't the money,” I answered sadly grabbing my water bottle from the counter. “Yes, I know you haven’t, but I have the money. So little girl, do you want the sandwiches?” he asked with cheeky smile as he walked out from behind the counter and led me over to the sandwiches. He bowed politely and grabbed a few for me. My eyes widened joy over coming me at the gesture. “Thank you, sir. You have no idea what this means to me. Wait…are you sure. I have done awful things I don’t deserve this,” I explained. My head lowered to fixate on my shoes. “Same hear but I still deserve food, water, love and shelter. You got any of that? Want me to take you somewhere?” “I would love that but the people I would go to won’t want that. They probably know about what I did now,” “What have you done child?” I hesitated before answering. The conversation in the air, haunting me. “I…I…I ummm. I stole,” the man placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, a silent nod to continue. That he still somehow respected me. “It was so stupid but I kinda believed it would make my family notice me. All I did was cause so much pain. The pain its everywhere like blood. I hurt my Mum the most. I stole her engagement ring. I gaslit myself into believing the rest weren’t so bad but they were,” I fell to the floor sobbing wildly. The man held me his arms whispering soothing things in my ear. “Child, you have been unwise, but you are aware that is good progress. Tomorrow me and you start to make more than we go to your family. You be ok Mr. Jay, will help you,” he said once I was horse from crying. “What happens tonight and who is Mr. Jay?” I asked catching myself before I started babbling. “I am Mr. Jay and tonight you come with me. Sit behind the counter I tidy up then I take you to my house. I have some clothes from my daughter's youth you may wear, and you will sleep in her bedroom. It will be oK, I promise you child,” he stood up and began too busy himself around the store. That was my cue to take my sandwiches and curl up behind the counter.

Initially the atmosphere in the car was awkward, but the ice finely broke when Mr. Jay accidentally turned the radio on. Memories by Conan Gray started blasting through the car. Mr. Jay let out a surprised scream as Conan Gray insisted, he stay in his memories. “Oh, you insolent machine. Don’t yell at me!” he declared sending me into hysterical fits of laughter. “How old are you? If you can’t work a radio I hate to imagine you in front of a computer,” I asked once I finely managed to compose myself. “Only eighty-seven,” he replied sheepishly. “Wow so your old old,” “Where I come from we are thought to respect our elders,” “Okay good for you, but where I come from we don’t,” “Clearly,” the conversation came to a halt. My head turned instinctively out the window. We were driving the way I walked. I saw a familiar intersection, coming up if we turned right, we would end up at my doorstep. I had no idea what lay in the opposite direction, but Mr. jay's friendly demeanor left me happy to find out. It was probably just his house. I imagined a beautiful house. Greenery all around. A little fishpond in the backyard maybe, and wind charms clinking in the air.

“Where do you come from?” I asked hoping for more conversation with this amiable little man. “Japan first, hear second,” he explained as the car came to a halt. My eyes were greeted with the sight of an old yet surprisingly exquisitely built little house. We lived in a practically deserted town; his house and mine were both at the very edge. His sat in the middle of neatly cut green grass and tall trees brandishing leaves in more shades of green than the English language cared to name. Mr. Jay opened the car door for me in the same gentlemanly manner he performed all his tasks. Silence settled between us as he led me into his house. Beautiful paintings decorated all the wooden walls. There were absolutely no electronics in sight, but there were so many books the house, probably as a library counted. “You have a beautiful home Mr. Jay,” I remarked as he walked me into a room which was empty except for clothes and a bed. “Thank you miss. I never did get your name,” he said as tried to find some pajamas for me. “Tara, I can just sleep in this,” I told him gesturing to my dirt covered clothes. “If you insist Tara,” he sighed. “You know my girl was like you. Jealousy drove her to make bad choices, and I shunned her. If you are shunned, I will be here. I won’t make that mistake twice,” Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes. I wrapped my arms around him, forcing him into a one-sided hug. “Sleep well,” “You to,” he walked out leaving me alone with my thoughts.

The night was long. I made a fruitless attempt at sleep. Twisted and turned in the bed a pang of shame jabbing at my chest. Mr. Jay was nice but the longer I waited to return the ring the deeper down I dug myself. Eventfully I gave up on sleep. I disentangled myself from the blankets and tiptoed out of the house, writing goodbye and thank you to Mr. Jay on a crumpled piece of paper. I left it in clear view before I left. I needed to come clean. I ran at full speed past the intersection. I knew what lay in the opposite direction of my house now. A nice old man I intended on visiting often but I needed to come clean. Hug my mother. Kick my sister’s shin and watch as she hops around in fraudulent agony. Stand on my tip toes and puff my chest out in order to imitate my dad. It was those things that persuaded me to head home. I needed to shove my jealousy down, my sister was amazing, and my parents loved me it wasn't one or the other, the two things went hand in hand. If they never forgave me, I could simply return to Mr. Jay. His arms would be open wide. When I saw my house in the near distance I accelerated yearning for my mother. Yearning for my father. Yearning for my sister. Tears spilled out of my eyes as I leaped over the threshold to find the three of them waiting on the porch for me. When they noticed me, they ran towards and swept me up in their arms. We became a mess of tears and apologizes. When we broke apart, I slipped the ring that was twinkling from the shadow of the moon, into my Mum’s open hand. “Honey, I love you, but you need to understand what you did was wrong. We were all so worried,” Mum said in an unusually stern tone of voice. “I know. I don’t expect you to still love me, but I am really sorry,” I said in an almost whisper. “I still love you,” Amara Reshored me. “Me and your Dad also still love you. We will have a more discipline themed conversation later but for now… Get back hear I need another hug!”

We stayed wrapped in each other’s arms whilst a wise man watched in the distance glowing with pride at his handy work. Suddenly, a new face appeared. She pulled her Dad into a hug and whispered forgiveness into his good ear. The endless walk of shame was other for both of us.