Baggage

Boiling as rage builds up to hate, slowly but surely, my mind had become poisoned. As days rolled by, it became harder to pretend, smiles became faker… until I had nothing left. Nothing left to give, nothing left to say. Not even one good word could be mustered… and every time I even thought about that person, my mood would go from happy to soured.

Forgiveness is so easy to preach, except, sometimes, I forget that merely “pushing it aside” doesn’t count. Apparently, to forgive, you really have to let go.

Thought I knew that…

Till I glanced back and saw the burdens I had been dragging behind me. I still clutched tightly to the past, latching on as the weight continues to drag me down. Each step tiring, an expression of my trust waning. I thought I could do it, thought I had already let go of it all. Funny how I had hoped I wouldn’t be bothered anymore, yet, here I am, refusing to let go, desperately trying to move on despite the heavy weights I chose to pick up along the way.

Cold responses and mood swings were the first warning signs. Sleepless nights and over-thinking screamed danger. My inability to look at that face, the one of my so-called ‘enemy’, without feeling a strange disquiet in me confirmed my theory. I was bitter, living in hatred unconsciously.

Now, I’m forced to stop to rest as I can hardly bear the onus upon me. I notice I’ve reached a fork in the road. A rather cliché junction, I must add. One path looks bright, certainly leading to hope and great opportunities. The other path looks gloomier than death itself, certainly filled with every hazard one can imagine. It was definitely not a hard decision. I’m sure you’re thinking,

“only a total idiot would choose the dark…. or a psychopath… or someone who couldn’t see.”

Well.

Here I am.

Not crazy. Not blind.

Maybe a little idiotic.

But here I am, dragging my grudges down the journey to my possible demise.

“Why?” You ask, probably in more disgust than wonder.

Well, obviously there was a catch. The shining, bright, luscious path was too narrow for me to go through with all my excesses.

“so what?? drop the bags and move on, dumb bitch!” you might even be rolling your eyes right now.

Hey. Before you judge me, I did try. Every time I dropped my stress, I ended up turning back to pick up just one thing, one worry, one evil I wasn’t ready to forgive just yet. I’d glance back nervously. If I let go of everything now, I’d feel like some weak ass pushover. And I wasn’t ready to go through that… not again.

Besides, who knows? The darker path may not even be as horrid as it looked. Appearances could be deceiving. It could lead to justice and sweet revenge or great silver linings. If no-one ever went down this path, how could I be so sure it was all that bad? Strangely, these thoughts brought me comfort as I began to pull all my ‘luggage’ with me. I wasn’t gonna leave any one behind, after all, I had already chosen ‘possible death’. What could be worse?

Well. A lot.

It didn’t take more than two steps for me to realize that I had made the worst decision one could ever make. As I try to edge on, bitter thoughts and bad memories dig into my soul like thorns piercing and tearing off my flesh. Hanging on to hatred was like tying a thick rope round my neck, and being heavily burdened in mind felt like mountains were on my shoulders. I barely catch myself after nearly stumbling into a bottomless cistern, into the arms of a bloodthirsty monster lurking within the darkness...

Sorrow.

I can feel its presence every day and every night. Like a dark cloud looming above my head, it made me dead on the inside. Crying myself to sleep, losing appetite for fun, slowly but surely, it had started to devour its prey.

I need to stop. I have to. I grunt in frustration and drop to my knees in the very uncomfortable, marshy ground of the dark path. I try to say a prayer to The Lord...

The Lord.

He must be watching me in disappointment right now. Here I was, holding on to the same bitterness He had said to let go of. Here I was, looking all foolish, dragging all these problems with me down this road of frustration.

I can’t even remember why I chose to do this anymore. Why was I hurting myself so much? I glance back and realize that I can’t see the entrance of the path anymore. I burst into tears and with a powerful scream of frustration, I begin to throw away the bags that held me down. One by one I started shoving them into the bottomless hole, grunting painfully. It hurt. Letting go of each feeling of hatred, anger and betrayal, yes, it hurt badly. The pain in my limbs could never match the one in my heart. I still wanted revenge, but not so much that it would cost me my life. Each bag I dropped down that hole symbolized a grudge I carried. Some bags were old and worn out, others were new and in great shape despite being dragged across the land. I looked nervously at one bag. It was the oldest. The patterns on it long wiped out. I sigh. Why was it also the biggest? I’ve been dragging it around since I was 8 years old. I wasn’t too ready to let go of it yet. Forgive the most painful experience of my life so easily? Not in a million years. But I couldn’t keep hurting myself each time I recounted that moment.

Hot tears begin to rush down my face. What I would do if I laid my eyes on that son of a bastard. Images flash through my mind-

mom lying face down in a pool of her own blood-

that bastard standing, eyes wide open, knife in hand.

Maybe.

Maybe, I should keep this bag.

 I should murder him. An eye-for-an-eye. That was the rule. It had to be.

I begin my journey again. That one bag in hand. It was heavy, sure, but I felt less burdened after letting go of my other grudges. The path before me looked uncertain. But it’s one I’d chosen to endure. I suddenly notice a sign that says

 “Realize you’ve messed up? Drop ALL your stuff, turn right and rejoin the path to joy and peace.”

All?

I glance anxiously at the bag.

Why was I just seeing this sign, anyways? I ignore the sign and keep dragging the bag behind me.

I see another sign “FINAL CHANCE”.

I sigh in determination, straighten up and keep walking.

I tread painfully over the bones of many who had tried before me.

For mom’s sake, I had to keep going.