Lovely Pain

The wind whipped past his face as he tore his way through the bushes. The briars pulled at his clothes leaving little pieces of him in his wake. The tears whisked away from his face as soon as they began to fall. How could he have let her go? How could he have let her walk away from him? How could he continue on when the very reason his heart beat was now on her way to be permanently gone from him? Her face and frame came into his mind and it was almost as if she was standing right in front of him. He saw her beautiful, dark rich skin with hues so deep that it seemed they could draw him in closer and closer. He saw his fingers buried into the rich tresses of curled thickness. He could almost imagine himself burying his face into her curls and inhaling the rich warm scent that was unique to her. He imagined himself holding her soft body against his own. He imagined himself telling her all the things he wanted to say. How life had grown dull and lifeless without her by his side. How every morning he woke up happy to be her man before the reality of her departure came crashing down on him. He wanted to tell her stay, beg her if need be. He would do whatever he had to do to make sure she remained with him.

The memories and thought of her seemed to give strength to his already tired legs. The scent of her seemed to fill his lungs with the air he so desperately needed. The desire to hold her in his arms fueled his body with a fire that nothing else could do. He fought his way forward determined to reach his love. Finally he stumbled and came upon his wholly sought for destination. As he breathed a sigh of relief at the thought that he would now be able to unburden his love onto the very object of his desire, the train hissed. He looked up in stunned horror. As the train began to pull out of the station, every ounce of strength melted from his limbs. He found himself on the ground watching the train slowly pull out of the station. His head dropped to his chest as tears silently slipped down his face. People walked around him. Loud sounds surrounded him but in his grief he heard none of it. At long last he gathered himself together and lifted his eyes. Her.

Her slight figure stood there across from him. Her small stature somehow not hidden by the people moving to and fro. Her curly hair whipped in the wind. The air seemed so still, almost palpable. Slowly, he rose, his eyes never leaving her face. He drank in the sight of her. His woman. His heart that lived outside of his chest. He had to get to her. He had to find a way to her. He crossed the train tracks, closing the distance between her and himself. He gathered her in his arms. Her face turned towards him, the slightest smile covered her face. Warmth flooded through his body as it spread from his heart. He held her seemingly impossibly close. At long last he dipped his head, filled with pleasant contentedness as his mouth sought to embrace hers and to convey what words could not. As his lips moved against hers, he felt whole. He felt happiness and he felt joy. He felt the completion that his soul had been longing for. This woman was his life. She was his reason to breathe. Holding her felt like home. As he lifted his head, he stared into those beautiful eyes that held him captive. Then he noticed that she was fading. She reached out and held his face in her hand, that same slight smile across her face. As he watched, she evaporated from his grasp and then she was gone. He spun around looking for her with shock and pain filling his soul. He felt himself emptying out as if life was leaving his body.

Gasping, he sat up in the bed. Clutching his chest, he let his eyes adjust to the dark room. He looked down at the bed beside him. It was cold. Empty. Then the reality that his love was in fact gone came flowing back and that all too familiar pain that was dulled by the sweetness of his dreams came back. As the pain cradled him, she rubbed his head and stroked his hair. “I’m sorry”, she whispered, “ If I could bring her back to you I would but all I can do for you now is be a bittersweet reminder that she was and that she will always be a part of you.” He lay relishing in this distinct thought. Every day it felt like it was harder and harder to remember her, to see her, to feel her. Then nights like this, though rare, would happen and he would be drawn back to the day that he lost her. Her clothing had lost her scent. Her laughter was beginning to fade from his mind. Sometimes he questioned if she had been real. But the pain that came after those beautiful, bittersweet dreams reminded him of the ugly, harsh truth. In a way he was gratefully for the pain. It kept her alive. He wasn’t hurting for no reason. The pain, though difficult to wade through, reminded him that she had existed. She had loved him, whole and completely. She had shared his life for all those years. The pain kept the memories alive. Just once he wished that he could see her again. But alas, dreams are a vapor, never to be experienced the same way again. As his tears slowly rolled onto his pillow he whispered the name of the woman who was his greatest love and yet his greatest pain. The woman who was his everything and would continue to be his everything. 

Sharonne Eloise Rose