Rosa's Cantina

I dial my phone.

"Hello?... Hello?... Is that… For fuck’s sake, I can’t hear a thing… Hello?... Can you - can you hear me? Yes, I can! I can hear... That’s great. Hi! Hi, it’s… Hi. Is that you?..."

I laugh.

"I thought so… Do ya… Do ya know who I am?... No? Well, that’s okay. I didn’t expect ya to. Here… Let me tell ya somethin’."

I start to sing.

"Out in the West Texas town of El Paso

I fell in love with a Mexican boy,

Nighttime would find me in Rosa’s Cantina,

Music would play and my sweet boy would whirl.

Bluer than sky were the eyes of my sweet boy,

Wicked and evil while casting a spell,

My love was deep for this Mexican cowboy,

I was in love, but in vain, I could tell…

So?"

I laugh.

"Hello, baby. How have ya been?... Yeah... It’s been a while. I didn’t even know how to… I didn’t know whether it was appropriate to call or not. I figured that it wasn’t, but then I said, “ya know what, fuck that shit” and I just… I found myself dialing your ole’ number.

How I’ve been? I don’t know how to answer this question. It’s been five years… Fuck, I don’t know. Good, I guess. How have ya been?... Where are you?... Yeah?... Cool. That’s cool… No, I didn’t come back to the city, no.

What are ya doin’? Are ya workin’ or…?... In a company? Wow! I never thought you’d end up in a company! Are ya like… wearin’ a suit to work and so?..."

I laugh.

"Wow! I shouldn’t laugh, I’m sorry. I don’t mean it in a bad way, I just… Things have changed so much… I’m happy for ya. Ya seem to… I mean, ya must have yer life together if ya wear a suit to work, right?...

Yeah, I’m sorry. You’re right. I wanted to tell ya… You’ll think I’m a crazy person, but I can’t lie to you. I called to… wish you a happy Christmas. Ya probably didn’t expect that and ya couldn’t have expected that, but… Happy Christmas! And lots of joy and… love.

Thank you. Yeah, I know… I thought you might be upset, you have every right to be…

I know… I know… Baby, I know, but I couldn’t. It was better for both of us. I went through hell and back, ya didn’t have to go with me. I wanted ya to live yer life the way ya were supposed to.

Yeah, I just wanted to… Do ya think it was easy for me to be away from ya? To be there?

Yeah, I’m good… Actually, I’m pregnant!... Yeah, I am. I don’t know whether it’s a boy or a gal yet, but I don’t care, really, I’m gonna love it anyway…

Sometimes, I wish it’s a gal… Yeah. So I’ll get to… braid her hair and teach her how to dress to be sexy, but not vulgar, and how to kick a boy’s ass if he don’t leave ‘er alone… But sometimes, I wish it’s a boy… Like we dreamed… To play all the sports in the world… be a terrific basketball player and go into boxin’, but eventually become the best football player on the planet… Yeah… I still ‘ave that dream sometimes. But then I’d rather have a gal, because that was, y’know… that was our dream.

No no!... My man is a fine lad! He don’t have much education, but he’s a good man. He’s a truck driver. I know, it doesn’t sound fancy, but he does his job well and he takes care of me. And he’ll take care of our baby too.

Do ya know how we met? My friend Anna… She took me to a pub one day to meet some people she’d met on the road. We got there, drank everything in the bar… And then, there comes this guy, who’d been sitting alone at a table nearby, and tells me that he’d like to play a song for me.

And I was like… “You’re a musician? That’s so cool!” And he goes like… “No, I’m a truck driver, but I do play da mandolin.” And he actually played the fucking mandolin fo’ me. There, in front of everybody. “Take Me Home, Country Roads.” Do ya remember it?... Yeah, that one! Anyway, the next day, I was in the back of his truck, heading north. I told ‘im that I knew how to sing a couple a songs. And I told him about you. I mean, I told him that you taught me how to sing. He liked the way I sang. He said that my voice reminded him of that of a warbler. Honestly, I had no idea what the fuck that meant.

He asked me once what my favourite song was. I said it had to be “El Paso”, by Marty Robbins. He asked me to sing it for him. But I didn’t.

Well, how about ya? Is there a misses I don’t know about? "

My heart drops. I smile.

"Yeah, it’s fine… I assumed it was goin’ to be someone. Do ye have babies?... No?... Well, you still have time. How is she? Is she blonde? You’ve always had a thing for blondes… Yeah? Well, I’m glad to hear that… How are her eyes? What color do they have?... Really?... Wow… Your kids are gonna be like rays of sunshine, with eyes as blue as the sky, won’t they?... Why? You should think that far in the future. Ya never know when it’s gonna happen. Look at me. Did ya think I’d have a relationship AND a baby in my belly in like, what, five months? Trust me, I never did. Yet here I am…

And ya know what? He really loves me. Yeah… I know he does… And even though we hadn’t planned this baby, he’s just as happy as I am… and willin’ to be a daddy… He even gave me a ring that was worn by his grandmother. It’s not like… it’s not an engagement ring, but ya know, I like it…

Ya know, the first thing I did when I moved into the motel room I live in right now was to buy a CD with the music of Marty… But when I got home, I realized that my CD player didn’t work anymore, so I couldn’t listen to it. Fucking piece of shit. Anyway, one day, when I have the money, I’ll buy a new one and I’ll listen to it all night long and… I’ll be happy when “El Paso” starts playin’…"

I start to sing.

"One night a young cowgirl came in,

Wild as the West Texas wind.

Dashing and daring,

A drink she was sharing

With my wicked boy,

The boy that I loved.

So in anger I

Challenged her right for the love of my sweet boy

Down went her hand for the gun that she wore.

My challenge was answered in less than a heartbeat,

The pretty young stranger lay dead on the floor.

Out through the back door of Rosa’s I ran,

Out where the horses were tied.

I caught a good one,

It looked like it could run,

Up on its back

And away I did ride

Just as fast as I

Could from the West Texas town of El Paso

Out to the badlands of New Mexico.

Ya won’t believe it, but I’m clean! Yeah, I know… I’m not doin’ smack no more and I’m not drinkin’ whiskey either… Just, y’know, sometimes… the occasional glass of scotch. But that’s nothin’…

How about ya?... You’re clean too? Wow, that’s great! Look at us!... How about this gal you’re seein’? Is she clean too?... Okay. That’s… that’s very good. I’m glad to hear ‘dis.

Ya know what I was thinkin’? I wish we had all the money we used to spend on smack… Trust me. We coulda’ been rich by now if we hadn’t spent such amounts. If we’d kept just half of them… just half, baby… we woulda’ been rich…

I… I wanna ask ya somethin’… Do ya… think of me sometimes?... Do ya miss me?... No, that’s too big of a question. I don’t expect ya to miss me after all this time. But do ya still think of me?... Yeah?... Yeah?... That’s good… Thank you… Thank you… Do ya wanna know what specific details I think of when I think of ya?... Yeah?... I’ll tell ya. Okay, I’ll tell ya …

When I think of ya, I think of… yer hair… yer yellow curls… how much I loved passing my fingers through yer hair… and kissin’ it… Sometimes, I liked kissin’ yer hair more than I liked kissin’ yer lips… ‘cause you were… you were curled up in my arms like a child, yet you clung to me like a lover…

And I think of yer eyes… ya couldn’t see them… ya have no idea how beautiful they were when we were lyin’ naked on the floor… when they lingered on my body… with lust… and love… I like to think that it was love, at least sometimes…

And I also think of this… this spot… ya know why?... Because everytime I touched this spot, a shiver ran through yer whole body… and then I knew that I was doin’ the right thing… I love that spot of yours…

So how are ya? How is she? Is she blonde? How are her eyes? What color… what color do they…"

What am I saying?

"Where were we?... Look at that, I forgot… I’ve been forgetting things lately, dunno why. Must be ‘cause I’m so tired. Yeah… I don’t know whether it’s the… the pregnancy or the marriage or the fact that… that I’m tryin’ to find a job, but… I need to rest a little…

Ya know, my man used to do smack too before he met me. Small world, huh? I guess we crackheads always find each other. That night, after he played the mandolin fo’ me, we went in the back of his truck and he wanted us to do some H… y’know, before fuckin’… I said no… I told him: “I know what drugs are… my ole’ lover and I know what drugs are… That’s why I’m sayin’ no… I am choosin’ a different path…” And that very moment, he gave it up too.

Do ya wanna know how our first real date went?... After I got into his truck that night, he drove for three whole days, stopping only when one of us had to pee and when we took a nap. He didn’t even stop for us to have a decent meal. He had some food and some water in an ole’ bag and that’s how we lived for three days. But the next day, we got to this small town in Germany. It was, like, a countryside town, very small, with good-natured people willin’ to help… not yer typical German lads, y’know? We spent the night in a local woman’s shack, we slept on a rug and showered outside… Then the next day, we had our first date. In another local lady’s small garden… we picked up flowers, ate freshly made cheese, drank German beer ‘til we couldn’t talk no more and pet the sheep… ‘t was nice… ‘t was a nice one.

But how about ya, eh? How are ya? Are you… Are you happy? Because I hope that you are… You deserve to be happy. More than anyone in the world, ya deserve to be happy… So tell me… How is she? Is she...

I’m good… Yeah, I’m good… I’m happy… I’m clean… pregnant… I have a man who loves me… I love him and my baby… I’m good…

Ya know, can ya… Can ya wait for a while? I just gotta… I gotta do somethin’… I hope I’m not keepin’ ya from work, or decoratin’, or… spendin’ time with ya gal… Are ya sure?... Okay… Okay then… Can ya wait for a bit on the phone? Please? Can ya… Or… No… No… Can ya wait for like five minutes? And I’ll call ya back?... Yeah?... Yeah… Thank ya. Please, pick up, okay? Pick up when I call ya again… Okay… Okay, baby… Thank ya…"

I hang up the phone. I grab my old backpack. I pull out a spoon, a syringe, a lighter and some heroin. I prepare the drug and inject it in my vein. I fall to the floor. I dial the phone.

"Hello, baby… It’s me… Baby… Do ya remember the first time we spoke on the phone?... Ya told me… “Hello, Daisy.” I almost went crazy. I thought you’d forgotten my name. I thought ya thought my name was Daisy. I yelled at ya. And ya said… “No, baby. You’re my daisy. Because you’re wild… free… and ya look like a star…”

I’m sorry I didn’t call, all this time… I’m sorry I didn’t let ya visit me. I couldn’t stand the thought that you’d come visit and I’d see ya from behind bars… Ya deserved more than a crackhead of a gal who’d got herself caught and who had no idea when she’d get out…

It’s made me a better person… it’s a cliché, but it’s true… I’m clean now…

Ya know… the years when I did drugs… when we did drugs… were way worse than the years I’ve spent in prison. I’m tellin’ ya… If I were to choose between doin’ heroin again and goin’ back to prison… I’d go back to prison right. this. minute.

I’m so happy that you’ve got a gal to take care of ya. Ya always needed someone to take care of ya… Is she good to ya? Is she… Does she know yer spot? That spot that sends a shiver though yer body when someone touches it? Does she… Does she touch ya there? ‘Cause if she doesn’t, ya should tell ‘er. Ya should tell ‘er that ya like to be touched there. Maybe she doesn’t know… but it’s yer right to be touched there by yer gal if ya want to be touched there…"

I start to sing.

"Something is dreadfully wrong for I feel

A deep burning pain in my side.

Though I am trying

To stay in the saddle,

I’m getting weary,

Unable to ride.

But my love for

My sweet boy is strong and I rise where I’ve fallen,

Though I am weary I can’t stop to rest.

I see the white puff of smoke from the rifle,

I feel the bullet go deep in my chest.

From out of nowhere my sweet boy has found me,

Kissing my cheek as he kneels by my side.

Cradled by two loving arms that I’ll die for

One little kiss and my sweet love, goodbye."

Silence.

"Does she sing “El Paso” to ya?... Please… Please… I’ve got only… one request for ya… I’m sorry, I don’t wanna upset ya or anythin’, but please… can ya… not let her sing “El Paso” to ya? Please?... I know ya like it sung in yer ear, at midnight… but please… can ya not let her?..."

I look down. Blood streams down my leg. I laugh.

"Oh, fuck it… Oh, isn’t this ironic?... It’s so ironic… Baby… Do ya wanna know the truth? I’m not pregnant. I don’t have a man. He’s not a truck driver and he don’t play the mandolin… We didn’t smell the flowers in a garden in Germany and we didn’t pet no sheep. I’ve never even been to Germany. But I did get pregnant after I got out of prison. I didn’t know who’s baby it was, so I killed it before it was born. I live in this motel room ‘cause I sometimes let the owner fuck me… ‘cos I’ve got no money to pay for it… Oh, fuckin’ shit… I didn’t want ya to find out all this shit like this… I didn’t want ya to find out at all… I just… I wanted to hear yer voice… And I wanted to… to wish ya… a happy Christmas…"

My eyes land on the pillbox on the table.

"Baby… Ya know what I wanna do now?... I wanna listen to yer voice… as much as possible… I want ya to tell me things… What you’ve been doin’ in these five years… How yer life has changed… How yer dreams have changed… I wanna hear everythin’ about the experiences you’ve had in these five years, the people you’ve met and the loves you’ve had and lost… I wanna know what ya think right now… if ya still want yer son to be the greatest football player on the planet… Okay?... Can ya tell me all these? Yeah… I just wanna hear yer voice… Okay… Okay, baby… I’m all ears, baby… I’m all ears…"

He speaks. I swallow a fistful of pills. I lay by the phone and listen his voice.