Amanda

Amanda. I had looked for her all of my life not knowing the features of her face. The contour of her curves came to life through the red of the candles reflecting her leather thighs and waist in the dark of the night. She resembled a sort of demonic princess with a subtle air of innocence which deceived me every time I looked up at her for mercy. Even when she was not in my sights I could feel her close in, like the loudening of a wide pig-skin drum, being beat every couple of seconds until she was close enough to touch my soul through my skin with her cold pointy nails.

The clock would always seem to get stuck after lunch. I had the misfortune of having it placed in front of my desk in plain sight. It was placed so that I would only have to lift my tired eyes to see it, a constant reminder of how stuck I was in my routine. It represented my life so accurately it was like the universe playing a trick on me. The morning would fly by with an array of mindnumbing tasks to keep occupied. Running around with the utmost urgency since the boss’ office was diagonal to mine. He had a perfect view of me, and I, the clock. I kept track of time and he kept track of me.

She came to me in my dreams again last night, she was so happy to see me. Though I could not see her smile I did not have to. She knew that I needed to blow off some steam and that I was ready to be at her mercy once more. Her absence was crushing though only in a dream. I have not dreamt of her in quite some time. Faced down on the table, it was metal and cold with each twitch of mine causing a freezing sensation with the touch of the table to my chest and torso, it was like an electric current, but it was all for her. I could bare it.

Kate came to my desk as she does with some subtle aggression, about to insinuate a mistake of mine so that the boss could see my failure and her triumph. Can you double-check these invoices once more? I’ve had a customer complain about being overcharged for a standard service. Could you check it carefully this time? She added in such a smug manner. Sure, let me finish what I am doing now and I’ll get right on it. I replied as nicely as I could, withholding the urge to grind my teeth at her presence. Actually, I need it done now, if not I can ask Jeff to take a look at it. Such passive aggression she spoke to me with. It was almost like she enjoyed punishing others. There was good reason for her nic name in the office.

She smelled of rubber and exerted animosity towards me this time. I couldn’t see her face but I could feel that this time would be painful. To my left is a metal surgical tray with a kind of flimsy steel paddle. Her long pointy nails come into my sights and her pale hands reach for the paddle. I can feel her breath in my ear. I feel the restraints getting tighter and the candlelight dims. The pain began and my screams felt as if they were muted by a mouthful of pillow. There was no mercy but if it made her happy I was willing to suffer.

I spoke with the customer who “erred” and “ummed” in between every word. The conversation went for 20 minutes and I almost fell asleep whilst listening to the customer explain what he wanted originally. I gave him what he asked, which was against policy and to Kate’s delight as she reported my phone call as against company procedure. I was tortured by having to listen to it once again only with the human resource department. The black widow had set me up for a loss. I decided at that moment that I would get her back if it meant keeping tabs on her all day.

I have been at her complete mercy for as long as I can remember and when I cannot find her in my dreams the stress of the week seems to bring me to boiling point. The back pages of the paper never have the one I’m looking for and I can never seem to find her online. I know she’s real. I’m yet to see her face but I know I will recognise it in real life.

It must be the first Wednesday. As to make the middle of the week a tad more dreadful, the first Wednesday of the month entails a budget review followed by a performance-oriented meeting where the black widow would have her fangs ready to dig into my soul at any sign of error on my behalf. The only time when the clocks ceased to tic was in the board room on performance review day. As if time itself was uneasy. The most degrading act was having to force a smile and squint my eyes as if I were speaking remorsefully if the numbers were bad. The copier was a sort of break. I would copy as many pages as possible to stand in the corner for as long as I could. It was in a part of the office which looked out onto the city streets. She must have been hiding in one of those flats.

In her late 30’s. This is her I know it. The newspaper was damp from the build-up of rainwater in the mailbox and her face was blurred out yet I felt as if she was looking right at me. I try to call the number which I would carry in the back of my mind for the rest of my days. I memorised it but I did not have the strength to dial. It’s not the strength I am lacking but there is a sense of vulnerability mixed with anxiety as I hover my fingers over the 1. As if it is taunting me. Nobody could know. I couldn’t risk being discovered.

Monday came as quick as the weekend finished. Kate is absent due to the flu and the sense of euphoria which flooded my every inch from that notice was enough to push me through the whole day without any dramas. The first half-hour after lunch went by in an eye’s blink though when Kate came in though sick to do a half-day the clock stopped at half-past one and the clock suddenly grew larger so that I could not escape it and the silence between the tics of the second hand grew further apart. She had come in to take home some reports so that she could appear better than us. I gave her mine. 

What’s 1800 222 0691? She asked and my hairs stood cold as if my back was on that cold metal table. What did she just say? What was that? I murmured. You’ve written this number on every page. What is it? She said as if she had caught me in the act. Here I’ll take those and I’ll print a new batch of copies. I exclaimed with a slight jump out of my seat. No, don’t worry I haven’t got the time right now. She was going to find out. I could barely get a full breath in. Her face suggested too much curiosity and with a glance of her eyes into mine, I was discovered. 

Hello? - yes ah um I was wondering, your ad in the paper, what is...

It was her I could feel it from the voice. The slight tone of innocence masking her malice. It had to be her. The cab dropped me off almost three blocks away so that he wouldn’t know where I was going. Nobody could know. I even made the call from a paid phone. If anybody at work were to find out I would be exposed to the whole world and my life would be over. The cabby turns around and gives me a smirk Are you sure it’s not further up? As if he knew all along. I even walked the opposite way so to throw him off the scent. The worlds must always be parallel and may never meet.

Look I’ve been talking to Kate and she says that we may need to get somebody in to give you a hand in your department or at least, she suggested, that we outsource somebody to reassess everybody’s roles. Somebody from some HR company we were thinking. If not this Friday the following Monday. Let me know what you think when you get this message. It’s Jeff by the way. Bye.

I stood outside of the building and I couldn’t stop shaking. I smoked three cigarettes back to back and I was pacing back and forth. 10 pm she said and it was 9:55 pm. I can’t just walk away now or can I? The door opens. The beat of the drums I felt in my dream was thrusting through my chest as her long pointy nails brushed the glass door on the way to the handle. Her black hair, vaguely touched by the light of the street lamps resembled a moon over an ocean at night though her green eyes were like doors to the amazon. I could hear the birds chirping and snakes slithering through branches. Her eyes spoke of mercy but her bottom lip tightly gripped between her teeth said otherwise. It was the greatest month of my life. The dream had transcended my mind and manifested itself in an old rustic apartment with mirrors on the roof and whips and chains on the wall. She knew all my secrets and discretion was everything. To her my name was Simon but the stories I would share were all true.

Work had become much easier to bear and even though Jeff and Kate were riding me hard, it was taken with calm as I knew that at the end of the week I could let it out through screams of agony and ecstasy. Two perfectly parallel worlds never to meet. A salesman by the day of the week and a submissive outlet for my mistress by the nights of the week’s end.

Kate was clearly upset at my disinterest and lack of reaction in her taunts and I even began to enjoy our little exchanges and she would be the one to grind her teeth. Jeff had even mentioned an improvement in numbers though he insisted on bringing in a psychologist HR professional to micromanage us for a few weeks.

My wrists were bound as were my elbows. The running of her cold nails through my scalp was the calm before the storm. She would grip my hair so tightly and her breath would get closer and closer. After the session, we would often talk about the week. She knew more about me than even my own parents or friends. It would have never occurred to me that she even existed outside of these walls. In my mind, she only existed under the mirrors in the absence of sunlight and in the shadows of the red candles. She knew how to me cry and how to comfort me.

Jeff and I have been speaking about your paperwork and it seems to be getting better though we will be bringing in somebody in the next couple of days to help out so clean up your desk in the next few days so that this person thinks we are a respectable company. I would hate for them to think poorly of us due to your mess of a desk. I took it with calm, her fangs could no longer pierce my soul. 

I didn’t have any cash for tonight I had to go to the ATM during the day as to seem inconspicuous. There’s nothing more suspicious than a late-night stop at the ATM, apart from the dangers it would also be misinterpreted if seen. The card has seen better days. Woah what’s with all the cash mate, you’re either buying drugs or paying somebody for something am I right? Greg from purchasing. He clearly knows and how did I not notice him behind me at the ATM. No, Greg, it’s for rent if you must know which you don’t. But I’ll humour you anyway, some of us weren’t handed a house by our folks. - Woah bud, doesn’t be so defensive. All I’m saying is that If I get that much cash out it usually isn’t for an expensive dinner with the missus. Which one do you go to? I left him there without answers though my inability to answer him directly was enough to blow my cover. His smile reminded me of a child when told a secret. His excitement put me on edge.

I can’t seem to get enough of you. I asked her to dinner but she declined and made it clear that she did not mix personal with business. Look I can see you’ve gotten very attached and I think it would be best if you stop seeing me for a while. I have a few colleagues that have more experience than myself. These sessions are quite intense, even for my liking and I don’t think I can handle it much longer. In fact, I’ve been growing quite concerned and uncomfortable. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. She hung up the phone and texted me her friend’s numbers so that I could still continue the sessions. I didn’t want them I wanted her. I bit through the skin on my knuckles to quiet the urges.  

I was finally over and had even forgotten about her. It was a long-forgotten blur of a dream. I covered all of my tracks and even Greg stopped giving me cheeky looks at work. Back to the old routine and the world kept on turning without the slightest clue of my late-night adventures. My dirty mind placed back in its cage along with any and all desires of that place. I look at the clock at it begins to tic slowly and eventually it stops like in the board room. I feel cold sweats from behind me and my hairs stand on end. I see kate’s face in the reflection of my monitor and next to her is a person whose face I cannot make out but my heart beats become heavily familiar. Andrew, this is Amanda. Amanda, this is Andrew. Amanda will be giving you a hand over the next couple of weeks as we discussed a while back and at the same time, she will be writing a report on your conduct.  There they were, the parallels of my world facing each other. The extremes have touched. Kate looking into my eyes with the most sinister of smiles suggesting that she knew everything. Amanda. Hi, Amanda nice to meet you, my name is Andrew. Her eyes give away nothing but she bites her lip.